Experiment with a friend - Empty Closets - A safe online community for gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgendered people coming out

anonomous teen · 19th Jan 2012, 04:46 AM

I can happily say to myself that i am attracted to men more than i am women, but not quite ready to admit to being gay. Ive read numerous stories here of people experimenting with their friends and i would like to lookinto doing the same. It could help me deffinately decide for myself asto wat my sexuality really is.

Im 17 and am attracted to many of my close friends, but want to keep this whole thing completely on the DL. Is it a good idea to try this? If so, how do i even approach someone????

Sunsetting · 19th Jan 2012, 07:29 AM

experimenting with friends can be especially touchy

no pun intended lol. i'm of the school of thought of not pushing anything, let things will progress naturally. here at EC, simply through being open, i've come to realize that who i am is far more than simply my sexuality, so just let yourself move at the pace that you are comfortable. don't let labels define you. let people who love you encourage your strengths, care about people, live and grow, and more and more you will 'become' you, and that will inform what you do

Toneth · 19th Jan 2012, 07:33 AM

stolen from yahoo, but still good advice:

The only thing you can do is get to know as many people as you can, and look out for someone who starts to pay a lot of attention to you.
Lots of eye contact, joking with you, and being comfortable with you are good signs to watch out for. If there is someone like this, and they don't pull back when you touch them, for example on the arm, then try to arrange time alone with him, and take it from there.
There will be guys that you know that feel exactly the same as you, it's just a matter of finding one, and getting to know him

Good luck, and take care, but have fun

anonomous teen · 19th Jan 2012, 02:10 PM

Thankyou both. Sunsetting, you have a very good point. I will most likely just let watever happens 'happen'. No rush and just focus more on discovering who i am. Thanks Toneth, i will certainly keep an eye out for those signs.

Ianthe · 19th Jan 2012, 02:14 PM

Of course, if you let people know you are questioning your sexuality, they may come to you. But I don't know if that's something you are prepared for, or if you are in a situation where it would be safe.

anonomous teen · 19th Jan 2012, 02:17 PM

Id rather not kinda make it known to anyone but that person really. Not quite ready for telling anyone just yet, even as far as saying im only questioning it

Ianthe · 19th Jan 2012, 03:08 PM

Yeah, I figured that was probably the case. But it does make things a lot harder, in terms of finding people to "experiment" with or date. I mean, if one of your guy friends let you know that he was questioning his sexuality, that would be the guy you'd go to, right? It's the same for anyone you know who's in the same situation that you are. He'd pretty likely feel the same way you do, and be much happier approaching someone he knows might be interested.

Since I'm a grown-up woman and you are a teenager, I feel like I have a responsibility to say one more thing: please be safe. At your age, don't go looking for anonymous guys on the Internet, there are some scary people out there. Keep looking for someone you know in real life.

And, if you do find someone to experiment with, remember that condoms are your friends.

Ianthe · 19th Jan 2012, 03:08 PM

Yeah, I figured that was probably the case. But it does make things a lot harder, in terms of finding people to "experiment" with or date. I mean, if one of your guy friends let you know that he was questioning his sexuality, that would be the guy you'd go to, right? It's the same for anyone you know who's in the same situation that you are. He'd pretty likely feel the same way you do, and be much happier approaching someone he knows might be interested.

Since I'm a grown-up woman and you are a teenager, I feel like I have a responsibility to say one more thing: please be safe. At your age, don't go looking for anonymous guys on the Internet, there are some scary people out there. Keep looking for someone you know in real life.

And, if you do find someone to experiment with, remember that condoms are your friends.

thinkpink · 19th Jan 2012, 06:54 PM

Hey, the only advice I'd give you is to be very careful who you experiment with A) In terms of safety and B) in terms of your friendships. Before I was 'out', I experimented with my best mate, it turned into something more serious for me and not for her, needless to say we no longer speak. It would be a shame for that to happen to you because when the time comes, you will need your friends to support you. However, this being said, I agree with Ianthe that you shouldn't just go looking for random guys! Just make sure you protect your heart and your body!

Toneth · 19th Jan 2012, 09:23 PM

yeah, I ditto the safety bit, looking online is BAD business, I have personally had the misfortune of being misled by people online several times over when it comes to dating, for some reason its just so easy for people to lie... like I wouldn't find out? lol
however, if you do decide to go that route, never meet anyone privately the first time, meet somewhere public, very, very public.

anonomous teen · 19th Jan 2012, 11:36 PM

Thanks everyone. Glad im getting so many replies. I agree with everything that has been said. If i do find myself experimenting with another guy, it will only ever be with someone i have known for a lengthend period of time and I like, as this is my first time. Protection will definately be used, but im more at the stage of how to even 'spot' someone who is like me and closeted but wanting to experiment. Im not just looking for a once off either,i want a close friendship with this person.

Sunsetting · 19th Jan 2012, 11:40 PM

it's strange, for me, i do want to be friends with the person i ultimately end up with but i don't think playing around with friends is a good idea, it can ruin a good friendship...sounds like a paradox, doesn't it? it's really not.. i just don't believe in the whole concept of "friends with benefits"

but, if you approach it all with that kind of maturity, you may just find exactly what you're looking for. just get to know people on a genuine level and it will come

**Lexington** · 20th Jan 2012, 07:48 AM

You're running into the main problem. You want to experiment with somebody you know and trust...but you haven't been able to trust them with the information that you're gay/bi and interested in experimenting.

Some people are deft enough to move from a night playing video games to a night getting the sheets sweaty, but it's a path fraught with hazards - you're putting the friendship at jeopardy, you risk having him out you to everybody you know, etc etc. Given that, I'd say the best move is to find one friend you think you really trust. And yes, one you'd like to get physical with, but I'd say the first qualification is the most important.

Then, one time when you're alone with him, tell him you have something to tell him in confidence. Tell him you're wondering if you might be gay or bi. And that's all. See how he responds to that first.

If he gets annoyed or silent or stubborn, then back off. Tell him that you just felt you were good enough friends that you could share that bit of info with him, and ask him to keep it in confidence.

If he seems supportive, but rather reservedly so, I wouldn't make a move on him (yet). Thank him for being supportive, remind him that you're not ready to tell anybody else, and ask him if you can talk to him about it on occasion if you feel you have to talk about it.

If he says "Oh my God, me too!"...well, you can take it from there.

Lex

anonomous teen · 20th Jan 2012, 06:45 PM

Thanks Lex.
Im moving out of home very soon into a co-ed oncampus accommodation for my first year at university and my 'friend' is moving to the same place. We are very close and its funny but, we even have moments where we joke about either one of us (or both) being gay. Just random stuff as well like a quick grab at the other persons nipple or a feel up of the bicep. We hang around each other often and enjoy each others company very much. We just laugh at the same things and he is ripped and blonde with blue eyes (very much my type). I kno he deffinstely has an interest in women but has really had no luck in dating one in over 3-4 years (which was his last kiss, never went beyond that)

Is there a possibility he is like me and just closeted, or is this something that guys just joke about???

midwestgirl89 · 20th Jan 2012, 06:52 PM

Hey, be careful with your body and your heart. If you do start experimenting with one of your friends, make sure to have a clear definition of what it means to both of you. Often when friends experiment (at least in my case and in the case of some others), someone gets hurt. One person develops strong feelings that cannot be returned. I usually say to stay away from friends with benefits situations.

You may be in a different place and it might work for you. Just be careful and look out for yourself. Some guys do joke around about being gay. He might be closeted or he might really be joking. You could talk to him about your sexuality if you want to find out, that way he is more comfortable with discussing his.

I hope things go well for you.

Ianthe · 20th Jan 2012, 07:12 PM

Yes, he sounds like he might be a good person to come out to. I mean, if you are going to live together in a tiny dorm room, it's probably best to be out to him anyway. Sooner than later--you don't want him finding out and having it be weird once you are already sharing the tiny room.

Anyway, if you are going to be living that closely with someone you have any feelings for, you want to establish early on whether or not he could ever be interested. Otherwise, this could easily turn into a "HELP!! I'm in love with my straight roommate!" story. I mean, living that closely with someone, it's very easy to develop stronger and stronger feelings, and the only way to really prevent it is to know for sure that he isn't interested.

It is very common for gay people to develop feelings for their roommates, especially in the very small college dorm rooms, and you clearly are already interested in him. Just a heads up...

anonomous teen · 20th Jan 2012, 07:54 PM

One thing i forgot to mention tho, we all have our own room, but simply share the same building

Ianthe · 20th Jan 2012, 10:13 PM

That's a little better. But I still think it's a good idea to come out to him.

anonomous teen · 22nd Jan 2012, 05:41 AM

fair enough. I kno i could trust him to keep it to himself as we find ourselves trusting each other with similar stuff like that. Im pree certain he isnt and would question his sexuality, so fooling around with him is very much so out of the picture. Which is a shame because when thinkin of hookin up with another guy, he is the first to come to mind.I wuld hate thatme telling him would make it awkward for him, like he cant feel like he can still hang around me. Wat do i do??

KrisBrooks · 22nd Jan 2012, 08:01 AM

I would try to find someone else, because you don't want to lose a friend. With me it was different, my friend approached me about 'experimentation, but we weren't serious friends, just someone I talk to in class, and in my case no romantic feelings developed, this happened two years ago, and we still fool around every now and then, but he can be a real asshole about it sometimes, which makes me really happy that it wasn't a GOOD friend of mine I did that kind of stuff with.

19th Jan 2012, 04:46 AM	#1
anonomous teen Member Regular Member Gender: Male Orientation: Newly self-discovered gay Out Status: Not out at all Location: Australia Age: 18 Posts: 53 Join Date: Jan 2012	Experiment with a friend I can happily say to myself that i am attracted to men more than i am women, but not quite ready to admit to being gay. Ive read numerous stories here of people experimenting with their friends and i would like to lookinto doing the same. It could help me deffinately decide for myself asto wat my sexuality really is. Im 17 and am attracted to many of my close friends, but want to keep this whole thing completely on the DL. Is it a good idea to try this? If so, how do i even approach someone????

19th Jan 2012, 07:29 AM	#2
Sunsetting Banned Regular Member Gender: Male Orientation: bi, straight, gay Out Status: to some family and friends Location: New York Age: 42 Posts: 950 Join Date: Dec 2011	Re: Experiment with a friend experimenting with friends can be especially touchy no pun intended lol. i'm of the school of thought of not pushing anything, let things will progress naturally. here at EC, simply through being open, i've come to realize that who i am is far more than simply my sexuality, so just let yourself move at the pace that you are comfortable. don't let labels define you. let people who love you encourage your strengths, care about people, live and grow, and more and more you will 'become' you, and that will inform what you do Last edited by Sunsetting; 19th Jan 2012 at 07:31 AM..

19th Jan 2012, 07:33 AM	#3
Toneth homebody extraordinaire Full Member Gender: Male Orientation: Gay Out Status: Out to everyone Location: northeast ohio Age: 23 Posts: 226 Join Date: Mar 2011	Re: Experiment with a friend stolen from yahoo, but still good advice: The only thing you can do is get to know as many people as you can, and look out for someone who starts to pay a lot of attention to you. Lots of eye contact, joking with you, and being comfortable with you are good signs to watch out for. If there is someone like this, and they don't pull back when you touch them, for example on the arm, then try to arrange time alone with him, and take it from there. There will be guys that you know that feel exactly the same as you, it's just a matter of finding one, and getting to know him Good luck, and take care, but have fun __________________ "If you can't love yourself, how the hell you gonna love somebody else?" ~Rupaul Andre Charles

19th Jan 2012, 02:10 PM	#4
anonomous teen Member Regular Member Gender: Male Orientation: Newly self-discovered gay Out Status: Not out at all Location: Australia Age: 18 Posts: 53 Join Date: Jan 2012	Re: Experiment with a friend Thankyou both. Sunsetting, you have a very good point. I will most likely just let watever happens 'happen'. No rush and just focus more on discovering who i am. Thanks Toneth, i will certainly keep an eye out for those signs.

19th Jan 2012, 02:14 PM	#5
Ianthe EC Addict Full Member Gender: Female/Femme Orientation: Lesbian Out Status: Out to everyone Location: Oregon Age: 32 Posts: 1,085 Join Date: Feb 2011	Re: Experiment with a friend Of course, if you let people know you are questioning your sexuality, they may come to you. But I don't know if that's something you are prepared for, or if you are in a situation where it would be safe.

19th Jan 2012, 02:17 PM	#6
anonomous teen Member Regular Member Gender: Male Orientation: Newly self-discovered gay Out Status: Not out at all Location: Australia Age: 18 Posts: 53 Join Date: Jan 2012	Re: Experiment with a friend Id rather not kinda make it known to anyone but that person really. Not quite ready for telling anyone just yet, even as far as saying im only questioning it

19th Jan 2012, 03:08 PM	#7
Ianthe EC Addict Full Member Gender: Female/Femme Orientation: Lesbian Out Status: Out to everyone Location: Oregon Age: 32 Posts: 1,085 Join Date: Feb 2011	Re: Experiment with a friend Yeah, I figured that was probably the case. But it does make things a lot harder, in terms of finding people to "experiment" with or date. I mean, if one of your guy friends let you know that he was questioning his sexuality, that would be the guy you'd go to, right? It's the same for anyone you know who's in the same situation that you are. He'd pretty likely feel the same way you do, and be much happier approaching someone he knows might be interested. Since I'm a grown-up woman and you are a teenager, I feel like I have a responsibility to say one more thing: please be safe. At your age, don't go looking for anonymous guys on the Internet, there are some scary people out there. Keep looking for someone you know in real life. And, if you do find someone to experiment with, remember that condoms are your friends.

19th Jan 2012, 06:54 PM	#9
thinkpink Member Regular Member Gender: Female Orientation: Lesbian Out Status: Out to everyone Posts: 69 Join Date: Oct 2011	Re: Experiment with a friend Hey, the only advice I'd give you is to be very careful who you experiment with A) In terms of safety and B) in terms of your friendships. Before I was 'out', I experimented with my best mate, it turned into something more serious for me and not for her, needless to say we no longer speak. It would be a shame for that to happen to you because when the time comes, you will need your friends to support you. However, this being said, I agree with Ianthe that you shouldn't just go looking for random guys! Just make sure you protect your heart and your body!

19th Jan 2012, 09:23 PM	#10
Toneth homebody extraordinaire Full Member Gender: Male Orientation: Gay Out Status: Out to everyone Location: northeast ohio Age: 23 Posts: 226 Join Date: Mar 2011	Re: Experiment with a friend yeah, I ditto the safety bit, looking online is BAD business, I have personally had the misfortune of being misled by people online several times over when it comes to dating, for some reason its just so easy for people to lie... like I wouldn't find out? lol however, if you do decide to go that route, never meet anyone privately the first time, meet somewhere public, very, very public. __________________ "If you can't love yourself, how the hell you gonna love somebody else?" ~Rupaul Andre Charles

19th Jan 2012, 11:36 PM	#11
anonomous teen Member Regular Member Gender: Male Orientation: Newly self-discovered gay Out Status: Not out at all Location: Australia Age: 18 Posts: 53 Join Date: Jan 2012	Re: Experiment with a friend Thanks everyone. Glad im getting so many replies. I agree with everything that has been said. If i do find myself experimenting with another guy, it will only ever be with someone i have known for a lengthend period of time and I like, as this is my first time. Protection will definately be used, but im more at the stage of how to even 'spot' someone who is like me and closeted but wanting to experiment. Im not just looking for a once off either,i want a close friendship with this person.

19th Jan 2012, 11:40 PM	#12
Sunsetting Banned Regular Member Gender: Male Orientation: bi, straight, gay Out Status: to some family and friends Location: New York Age: 42 Posts: 950 Join Date: Dec 2011	Re: Experiment with a friend it's strange, for me, i do want to be friends with the person i ultimately end up with but i don't think playing around with friends is a good idea, it can ruin a good friendship...sounds like a paradox, doesn't it? it's really not.. i just don't believe in the whole concept of "friends with benefits" but, if you approach it all with that kind of maturity, you may just find exactly what you're looking for. just get to know people on a genuine level and it will come

20th Jan 2012, 07:48 AM	#13
Lexington The gay gargoyle EC Advisor Gender: Male Orientation: Gay Out Status: Out to everyone Location: Colorado Age: 42 Posts: 12,372 Join Date: Dec 2007	Re: Experiment with a friend You're running into the main problem. You want to experiment with somebody you know and trust...but you haven't been able to trust them with the information that you're gay/bi and interested in experimenting. Some people are deft enough to move from a night playing video games to a night getting the sheets sweaty, but it's a path fraught with hazards - you're putting the friendship at jeopardy, you risk having him out you to everybody you know, etc etc. Given that, I'd say the best move is to find one friend you think you really trust. And yes, one you'd like to get physical with, but I'd say the first qualification is the most important. Then, one time when you're alone with him, tell him you have something to tell him in confidence. Tell him you're wondering if you might be gay or bi. And that's all. See how he responds to that first. If he gets annoyed or silent or stubborn, then back off. Tell him that you just felt you were good enough friends that you could share that bit of info with him, and ask him to keep it in confidence. If he seems supportive, but rather reservedly so, I wouldn't make a move on him (yet). Thank him for being supportive, remind him that you're not ready to tell anybody else, and ask him if you can talk to him about it on occasion if you feel you have to talk about it. If he says "Oh my God, me too!"...well, you can take it from there. Lex

20th Jan 2012, 06:45 PM	#14
anonomous teen Member Regular Member Gender: Male Orientation: Newly self-discovered gay Out Status: Not out at all Location: Australia Age: 18 Posts: 53 Join Date: Jan 2012	Re: Experiment with a friend Thanks Lex. Im moving out of home very soon into a co-ed oncampus accommodation for my first year at university and my 'friend' is moving to the same place. We are very close and its funny but, we even have moments where we joke about either one of us (or both) being gay. Just random stuff as well like a quick grab at the other persons nipple or a feel up of the bicep. We hang around each other often and enjoy each others company very much. We just laugh at the same things and he is ripped and blonde with blue eyes (very much my type). I kno he deffinstely has an interest in women but has really had no luck in dating one in over 3-4 years (which was his last kiss, never went beyond that) Is there a possibility he is like me and just closeted, or is this something that guys just joke about???

20th Jan 2012, 06:52 PM	#15
midwestgirl89 EC Addict Full Member Gender: Female Orientation: Interested in Women Out Status: Some people Age: 23 Posts: 559 Join Date: Jul 2011	Re: Experiment with a friend Hey, be careful with your body and your heart. If you do start experimenting with one of your friends, make sure to have a clear definition of what it means to both of you. Often when friends experiment (at least in my case and in the case of some others), someone gets hurt. One person develops strong feelings that cannot be returned. I usually say to stay away from friends with benefits situations. You may be in a different place and it might work for you. Just be careful and look out for yourself. Some guys do joke around about being gay. He might be closeted or he might really be joking. You could talk to him about your sexuality if you want to find out, that way he is more comfortable with discussing his. I hope things go well for you.

20th Jan 2012, 07:12 PM	#16
Ianthe EC Addict Full Member Gender: Female/Femme Orientation: Lesbian Out Status: Out to everyone Location: Oregon Age: 32 Posts: 1,085 Join Date: Feb 2011	Re: Experiment with a friend Yes, he sounds like he might be a good person to come out to. I mean, if you are going to live together in a tiny dorm room, it's probably best to be out to him anyway. Sooner than later--you don't want him finding out and having it be weird once you are already sharing the tiny room. Anyway, if you are going to be living that closely with someone you have any feelings for, you want to establish early on whether or not he could ever be interested. Otherwise, this could easily turn into a "HELP!! I'm in love with my straight roommate!" story. I mean, living that closely with someone, it's very easy to develop stronger and stronger feelings, and the only way to really prevent it is to know for sure that he isn't interested. It is very common for gay people to develop feelings for their roommates, especially in the very small college dorm rooms, and you clearly are already interested in him. Just a heads up...

Similar Threads
Thread	Thread Starter	Forum	Replies	Last Post
Who should I believe; should I ask my cousin's friend out; is he a bad kid iyo	don29002	Support and Advice	2	8th Nov 2011 08:20 PM
Having a friend do the honours?	saudade	Support and Advice	10	22nd Jul 2009 07:49 PM
So I'm confused about my friend...	Cheese Love	Support and Advice	2	14th Jul 2009 05:35 AM
my....friend	paco	Support and Advice	14	13th Jul 2009 11:03 PM
Can you have more than one best friend?	Owen	Chit Chat	18	6th Jan 2008 03:50 PM

20th Jan 2012, 07:54 PM	#17
anonomous teen Member Regular Member Gender: Male Orientation: Newly self-discovered gay Out Status: Not out at all Location: Australia Age: 18 Posts: 53 Join Date: Jan 2012	Re: Experiment with a friend One thing i forgot to mention tho, we all have our own room, but simply share the same building

20th Jan 2012, 10:13 PM	#18
Ianthe EC Addict Full Member Gender: Female/Femme Orientation: Lesbian Out Status: Out to everyone Location: Oregon Age: 32 Posts: 1,085 Join Date: Feb 2011	Re: Experiment with a friend That's a little better. But I still think it's a good idea to come out to him.

22nd Jan 2012, 05:41 AM	#19
anonomous teen Member Regular Member Gender: Male Orientation: Newly self-discovered gay Out Status: Not out at all Location: Australia Age: 18 Posts: 53 Join Date: Jan 2012	Re: Experiment with a friend fair enough. I kno i could trust him to keep it to himself as we find ourselves trusting each other with similar stuff like that. Im pree certain he isnt and would question his sexuality, so fooling around with him is very much so out of the picture. Which is a shame because when thinkin of hookin up with another guy, he is the first to come to mind.I wuld hate thatme telling him would make it awkward for him, like he cant feel like he can still hang around me. Wat do i do??

22nd Jan 2012, 08:01 AM	#20
KrisBrooks Member Regular Member Gender: Male Orientation: Straight but curious Posts: 20 Join Date: Jan 2012	Re: Experiment with a friend I would try to find someone else, because you don't want to lose a friend. With me it was different, my friend approached me about 'experimentation, but we weren't serious friends, just someone I talk to in class, and in my case no romantic feelings developed, this happened two years ago, and we still fool around every now and then, but he can be a real asshole about it sometimes, which makes me really happy that it wasn't a GOOD friend of mine I did that kind of stuff with.