Denial? Confusion? Bi? Lesbian?

[AuburnOctopus]

Hello, sorry if this turns out really loonnng, if you read it, thanks

Sooo, I'm driving myself mad at the moment trying to figure out if I am gay. I'm trying not to rush myself but it's been 11 years since I first thought about this, is it not time to come out already!?
I guess I'll start at the beginning..
The earliest memory I have of being attracted to a girl was when I was about 9 and it was my best friend at school but I don't think I fully understood it at the time. I remember another friend asking me "do you fancy (friends name)?" and I remember saying yes and not thinking anything of it.
When I first started questioning I was 12 and I was drawn to a certain female teacher at school, then all through school I had various crushes, usually on the teachers that all the guys were checking out (lol!). I think I got a bit obsessed with one of them, I remember feeling a bit stalkerish and always wanting to be near her. I don't remember if it was very sexual though, more like an emotional need. But that doesn't mean I never fantasized.
I did have a few crushes on guys but I have never felt the same about them, it was as if I searched for guys I might find attractive and reason with myself that I was attracted to them because that is what is expected of me. I never knew (and still don't really) what my friends were on about when they talked about guys that they found hot, I just didn't see it.
I have never had a real relationship, I have kissed guys (mainly when drunk) but never had sex. I have kissed girls (also mainly when drunk, I'm an awkward sober person) and had sex with two girls, although one was a straight friend who knew I was bi and wanted to experiment. It never feels right with men. I don't remember it feeling wrong with the girl, we were very drunk, but it still felt normal, comfortable and how I imagine it should feel.
I was openly bisexual in my last couple of years at school, it was never a big deal, must have been trendy because most people were!!
At college I got set up on numerous blind dates etc. by friends (they knew I was bi), but they always set me up with men and my heart sank every time, I went to these dates knowing it wouldn't work, that I wouldn't be attracted to them or I would but it wouldn't feel right. But I went with that little bit of hope that maaaaybe there would be an exception and I would fall for a man and do what's expected. Never happened.
I don't remember being drawn to any girls at college or when I first started working so I think I just put it to the back of my mind (because there were no women constantly on my mind!!) so I never thought to mention to new people who I met that I was bisexual/questioning, I just let them assume I was straight (I look straight) and to go along with it (commenting on men, accepting offers of blind dates/set ups etc.).

The last couple of years I have fallen in love with someone, a woman, who I can't have as she is straight and one of my best friends, but that is another story which I won't get into.
But this has made me start thinking about my orientation again and the last couple of months I have been REALLY thinking about it (due to me trying to sort out issues in my life to fix my depression/eating disorder). I'm hoping if I can accept myself as whatever I am, it will help with those issues. Maybe I'm pressuring myself by thinking too much.

So.. eugh, I don't know where to go with this now, my train of thought has gone.
Do you think I am a lesbian?
I have a dream of how I want my life to turn out and it involves a husband and children in a big house in the countryside. I'm just starting to believe that's not what my heart really wants.. I mean I want the children and the house in the country, but I can't truely imagine being close to a man, having sex with him and feeling like I do about women.
If I think to myself "It's ok, you can fall for a beautiful woman, have children in an unconventional way and live the same life and be truely happy" I relax, I think yeah, that's what I'm comfortable with, it just makes me nervous. If I replace the image with a man, I get a feeling similar to dread, where my heart sinks a bit and I feel pressured, like I'd be living a lie.

I think I might have answered my own question, I just don't want to let go of that little string that is holding on to the possibility of being straight and not having to deal with this and tell everyone.

That did turn out long, thanks for reaching the end if you did and thankyou for any opinions/advice xxx

[Daisy1]

Well, it does sound like you may have answered your own question. It even sounds like you're pretty ok with it.

If I replace the image with a man, I get a feeling similar to dread, where my heart sinks a bit and I feel pressured, like I'd be living a lie.

I can definitely relate to this feeling. I was in a long-term relationship and thinking too much about the future was really stressful and unpleasant. It took me a while to realize that I just couldn't picture myself being with my bf (or any man) long term.

Feel free to PM me if you want to chat privately.

[AuburnOctopus]

Thankyou

Yeah, I guess I am ok with it. I have always been very open minded and I have no problem with others being gay, I think it's just my tendancy to judge myself. I'm quite an eccentric person and people must judge me all the time and it doesn't bother me. It bothers me that I may be judged for THIS though. I don't want to be stereotyped or seen as "the gay one" with people missing out all the things that really make me ME.
I'm worried about not being sure. I want to fully accept that I am gay and be positive about it, then I can be open about it without being scared. I don't know if that will come with time (I'm being impatient, I get obsessive about things and want it done with NOW, so I can file it away and obsess about something else) or if I have to do something or think something to find out. Could I just be holding on to that "maybe I'm just bi" thing because I'm scared?

[Hexagon]

You may be bisexual and homoromantic, or you may be lesbian. Either way, you've said you're not interested in men, so that really makes you gay. And don't forget, you can marry a woman now

[AuburnOctopus]

Men CAN turn me on, but it's very rare, it has been purely sexual (but I'm sure straight girls can get turned on by lesbian porn, it's just a sex thing), but if it's someone I know, then I have to be attracted to their personality too. I never seem to be fully attracted to a mans looks and personality at the same time, either one or the other. Which makes me think sometimes, maybe I just haven't met the right guy. I still can't imagine really having a relationship with a man even if I did find one. Oooh god, I'm sooo gay.

[Chouchou]

Originally Posted by AuburnOctopus

The earliest memory I have of being attracted to a girl was when I was about 9 and it was my best friend at school but I don't think I fully understood it at the time. I remember another friend asking me "do you fancy (friends name)?" and I remember saying yes and not thinking anything of it.
When I first started questioning I was 12 and I was drawn to a certain female teacher at school, then all through school I had various crushes, usually on the teachers that all the guys were checking out (lol!). I think I got a bit obsessed with one of them, I remember feeling a bit stalkerish and always wanting to be near her. I don't remember if it was very sexual though, more like an emotional need. But that doesn't mean I never fantasized.
I did have a few crushes on guys but I have never felt the same about them, it was as if I searched for guys I might find attractive and reason with myself that I was attracted to them because that is what is expected of me. I never knew (and still don't really) what my friends were on about when they talked about guys that they found hot, I just didn't see it.

This part of your story almost parallels mine. When I was around 8 or 9, I actually cried over a girl in my grade, and sneaked glances at her on occasion while at school. Like with you, I also convinced myself over the years, to an extent, that I was attracted to a few guys, usually by using one or a few of their attributes that I liked. Like with you, the "attractions" to those guys never felt like the attractions to girls--for the most part, they were not as convincing, and almost felt forced.

I think I might have answered my own question, I just don't want to let go of that little string that is holding on to the possibility of being straight and not having to deal with this and tell everyone.

I'd also say that you answered your own question. One thing's for sure...you're absolutely not straight. The grip on the string will loosen with time with more experience, I'm sure.

If I think to myself "It's ok, you can fall for a beautiful woman, have children in an unconventional way and live the same life and be truely happy" I relax, I think yeah, that's what I'm comfortable with, it just makes me nervous. If I replace the image with a man, I get a feeling similar to dread, where my heart sinks a bit and I feel pressured, like I'd be living a lie.

I feel the same way. There are so many obstacles, it feels like climbing a mountain...and yet, if we marry men like society "expects", it's like being stuck in a fetid swamp, or a barren desert.

[Ianthe]

Yeah, I think you're gay, at least for all practical purposes.

Let me put it this way: Do you think it makes sense to keep looking for a guy, when there is no real evidence that you are attracted to them? Or would it make more sense to date women, since you know there are women you are attracted to?

It's usually the starting assumption that we're attracted to the opposite sex. But you can't prove that you will never be attracted to a man. So, it's better to start with an assumption that you aren't attracted to anyone until there is evidence that you are.

I mean, you should require the same degree of proof that you are attracted to men as you required to know you were attracted to women--you shouldn't have two different standards, where heterosexual attraction is assumed unless disproven, but homosexual attraction has to be shown with clear evidence.

For women especially, porn does not prove anything. Lots of lesbians like gay male porn. Everything is different when the person is live and wants to touch you.

If someday you meet a guy and fall madly in love, you can then just be surprised, and revise your identity back to bisexual with the explanation that you didn't know before, because he was really the first guy you ever felt that way about.

Meanwhile, a lesbian identity probably makes the most sense.

[AuburnOctopus]

Thanks everyone. I'm glad I got all this out tonight, it's all been going round in my head non-stop for weeks now and it's a relief to tell someone everything.

Ianthe, thankyou for putting it like that, it makes my thoughts easier to deal with and classify. Makes my head a bit clearer.

Chouchou, thanks and yeah, I just started really climbing that mountain in life. It's scary in all aspects. I've wasted the last 5 years and I feel like I'm running out of time. That might be why I'm pressuring myself to figure this aspect out a bit quicker.

I have ordered the book Same Sex In The City by Lauren Blitzer and Lauren Levin.. has anyone here read it? Is it helpful with this kind of thing? I read really good reviews, but a few bad reviews too. It was dispatched on Sunday but I'm stilllllll waitingggg. One day delivery my arse.

[silverhalo]

Hey welcome to EC, I didnt work out I was gay or come out till I was 26 so you are right there is no rush, but I can totally understand the frustrations you have been feeling, I also can relate to being supportive of gay rights, but equally being terrified when I actually came to thinking I might be gay. It sounds to me like you have pretty much worked it out for yourself, but I found that once I thought I had sorted it out in my own head and I almost got to moving forward to the closet door, I started to panic and doubt myself, I think it is the realisation of telling someone and it becoming 'real' that makes your brain (or certainly mine) say 'woah hold a moment what if im wrong', it can be a scary prospect coming out to everyone, even if you have been out as bi before, but im sure all your concerns and fears will be short lived once you are more comfortable and then in time out to more people.