Writing a Letter Coming Out to Dad...

[thinkpink]

When I was 17, I began my very long coming out journey and by the age of 20, have now managed to come out to everyone I considered to be my friends and family, or at least I thought so! You see, my father and I have had a very strained relationship and stopped talking 4 yrs ago, when I was 16, hence he doesn't know I'm a lesbian. He has recently got back in touch and things are going well but for some reason I can't bring myself to tell him, even though I am proud of who I am! Spoke to an EC advisor who helpfully suggested I write a letter and post a draft on here... Small problem, 4 drafts later and I have still only written "Dear Dad", which, you'll be surprised to know, doesn't really get the point across! Any ideas why I'm having so much trouble with telling this one person? And what on Earth I should write in the letter?
Thanks for reading!

[stuwee]

Hello Thinkpink, this is a rough suggestion, open to edits, buts hits some major points in your realtionship with your Dad,

Dear Dad,

I'm so happy to have you back in my life right now. You have enriched it and made me feel good about myself and I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for you . So, I want you to hear this from me and not another friend or family member, Dad, I'm a gay women, I'm proud of who I am, what I've done in my life so far.

If this is shocking to you and you need some time to let it sink in, please take that and come back to me as my father, friend and positive male figure in my life, nothing would make me happier than for you to take my hand and say I love you my wonderful daughter, let's do something special today, what would you like to do?

(Always being postive and nice gives you more ground to stand proud on, be happy, think good thoughts on how he will handle the news ) Good luck to you, these things are never easy, hugs comming to ya from AZ. Craig

[Ianthe]

Have you read the example Coming Out Letters here in the resources section of Empty Closets? Maybe you could get some ideas from those.

[thinkpink]

Thank you both! For some reason it wouldn't let me access the coming out letters! Thanks to your support I am now writing a 5th draft (slowly) which I would like to post on here before giving it to my Dad

[Lexington]

Feel free to post any drafts here - we'd be happy to provide feedback.

Lex

[thinkpink]

This is what I have so far:
"Dear Dad,
This is one of the hardest letters I've ever had to write, particularly given the fact that our relationship has never been better! It's partly because of this that I feel I should be open and honest with you. The truth is, I am an openly gay woman. I know this might be a lot to take in and if you need time, that is also fine. But please be aware that this doesn't change who I am as a person, it's just part of me, and I wouldn't change it if I could (rather like the part of me that calls you at 2am because I need ice cream!).
Anyway, take as much time as you need, we can talk about this when you feel ready, if you have any questions, go ahead, no question is too silly and I won't be offended!
I'm proud of who I am and I'm proud of you.
Just so you know, when the time is right, there's a special woman in my life who would like to meet you (and see your Elvis impression!) but again, no rush!
I love you.
P.S. Yes, I'm still planning on you and I doing a jive at my wedding!"

Does anyone have any feedback? Good or bad, it would be appreciated!

[silverhalo]

Hey I think its a nice letter, I like the fact that you have kept it quite up beat and straight to the point. I dont really have anything negative to say about it. I am sure your Dad will love it too.

[thinkpink]

I was thinking about not mentioning my girlfriend but that feel kind of disloyal to her... But is it too much to bombard him with all at once?

[silverhalo]

I dont necessarily think so you have made it clear that he can take his time, and you are not forcing any of this on him. See what some other people say but I think it is ok, I mean I think if its worrying you then you could take it out, and then wait a bit, but then you might be left wondering when the right moment to bring it up again is.

haha sorry not sure im actually being much help.

[Marlowe]

I think this is a really lovely letter. There really is no right way to write this letter, but if there were this would probably be it. I think mostly you give him space to process this. (in my letter I wrote that my parents could still love me and have trouble accepting this immediately) and it stays positive showing how this has made you happy. I think most parents want to see their children happy. I also like how you try to include very personal touches. I think this goes a long way to assure parents that you haven't changed. Mine had more than a few inside jokes and references to star wars. It may feel like it possible to say more or that the wording is not perfect, but you hit on the important points (mostly that you are gay and that you are not ashamed of this) and did so in an earnest and heartfelt way.

Best of luck!

[thinkpink]

Thank you all for your support! I'm seeing him Monday and I'm going to ask that he opens it after I've left to give him more time to process. I'll let you know how it goes, fingers crossed for me, please!

[stuwee]

Fingers crossed for ya girl, a very nice, heartfelt letter. those are the best!! He'll be honored to do the Jive at your wedding I'm sure. Expect him to take some time, don't feel hurt if it takes longer than you think, unmeet expectations are dangerous, that's where the hurt comes from, put yourself in his shoes for a moment, his expectations about You have just radically changed with that letter, time heals. Good Luck

[thinkpink]

I gave him the letter today, asked him to wait until I'd left to read it... Half an hr later he sent me a text saying "is this some kind of sick joke?" I said nothing and he didn't contact me again, I'm gutted and don't know what to do! I actually feel ill... Any advice?

[BudderMC]

For me, I think it would depend on how long its been since the message has been sitting. If it's been sitting a while and you randomly respond, it might seem like you've been ignoring it. But iunno, I tend to overanalyze texting in general

You were honest and forthright in your letter. Let him know that you wouldn't be joking about something so serious. Like you wrote to him, you're proud of yourself and proud of him. When he started to rekindle your relationship, he did it with the current (happy and real) you, and this is a part of that.

Because I'm an idiot, I'd try and argue with logic, so this may not be the best advice. But you could emphasize the fact that you are the exact same person in your personality and actions that you were before he read that letter, and will continue to be after he read the letter. In fact, you were already the same lesbian you are right now when you gave him the letter but was with him while he wasn't reading it.

I don't really know what else to suggest, as my relationship with my dad is... complicated right now. But hopefully that helps some.

[Marlowe]

Oh, god! I'm so sorry to hear that he reacted that way. I know how much this meant to you especially since things had finally been right between you two. I guess, I might give him some time to digest this, and just reply, "no" or some terse variation. I know exactly what you are going through. I spent a day feeling like I wanted to vomit and then curl up in my bed after I misunderstood my mom's reply, which was not so coherent. So hugs all around. It's hard to know how things will pan out. Write him an email being a bit more blunt about him needing to accept you as you are but also giving him an out for moment in terms of him accepting you. I wrote:

I don’t expect you to come around immediately. You can still love me and have trouble, at first, accepting that I am gay. It is something that has taken me a decade to accept. It would hardly be fair to expect you to figure this out by the time you finish reading this letter. What I do need for you to understand is that this was not a choice. It is who I am, for better or for worse. The reality is that regardless of how you or I feel about it, I will continue to go on being gay.

Apart from that only time will tell. It is rather difficult I think to speed up a parent's process of this. I really hope things work out.

[thinkpink]

Thank you so much for your advice, I appreciate it. My relationship with my father has always been complicated and he never takes things he doesn't understand too well and hardly ever adjusts to them because he doesn't listen once he gets freaked out. It is 4.12 AM where I am, just can't sleep! The msg was approximately 10 hours ago and still nothing... What's more I fought with my girlfriend over it as I didn't want to talk to her about it!

---------- Post added 23rd Jan 2012 at 08:18 PM ----------

P.S. I can honestly see him deleting the email, but I guess it's worth a shot!

[thinkpink]

More than a day later, sent the email as suggested, Marlowe, and still nothing, any more suggestions anyone?

[BudderMC]

I don't think there's anything you can do anymore that would help besides just waiting. You told him the news and he didn't take it well, but you offered another opportunity to let him know that it didn't have to be a big deal. I think as of now, you just have to wait it out, as hard as that is.

Maybe, after some time passes, if you still don't hear anything, you could try giving him a call. But leave that for a while; he's likely either angry (and not acknowledging the message) or upset (and processing what's happening), so either way he needs a bit of time to himself.

Hopefully this works out for you though. And let it be known you haven't done anything wrong; I think you took possibly the best approach you could have with this.

[thinkpink]

I know that I did the right thing because I'm very honest and proud of who I am... But sadly the last time our relationship turned sour it took him four years to contact me, I just wish there were some way to speed up the process... I guess I just thought he'd see this my way. Thanks again for the kind messages of support, it means so much!

[thinkpink]

3.46 AM- got an email: "Dear daughter, on account of the content of your letter, I find it inconceivable that we could continue contact, whether or not your admission was serious it goes against the very core of my beliefs.
Yours sincerely,
Your Father"

Not replied, what do I do now, on one had he is my father and I don't want to lose him, on the other I'm disgusted by his formal tone and bigoted ideals... Any advice would be welcome!

---------- Post added 24th Jan 2012 at 08:06 PM ----------

3.46 AM- got an email: "Dear daughter, on account of the content of your letter, I find it inconceivable that we could continue contact, whether or not your admission was serious it goes against the very core of my beliefs.
Yours sincerely,
Your Father"

Not replied, what do I do now, on one had he is my father and I don't want to lose him, on the other I'm disgusted by his formal tone and bigoted ideals... Any advice would be welcome!

---------- Post added 24th Jan 2012 at 08:08 PM ----------

Somehow I managed to add that post twice!

---------- Post added 24th Jan 2012 at 08:09 PM ----------

Somehow I managed to add that post twice!