Being Pushed in the Closet

[Revan]

I know you guys have heard me complain about my mother but this is on a different way of doing so. Pretty much Mom was telling me how she's trying to look out for me but I feel like she's more pushing me in the closet. She keeps telling me how I need to not broadcast how I'm gay. But it's kinda really getting annoying. Has anyone else dealt with this with their parents? Like she asks me not to put my relationship status on Facebook, what gender I'm interested in, nothing gay related on my Facebook, pretty much anything that would tell people "I'm gay" because the world doesn't understand gay people still. That people who advocate for gay rights miss out on life because they're so trying to promote rights for gays that they then get discriminated against. And it's just getting very frustrating because I mean I've decided I might not get fully into the promoting, but regardless, I don't see why I should hide that I'm dating someone. That I should hide who I am. I mean honestly why should I not hold my boyfriend (when I find the one) 's hand when my parents can anytime. Like how is that fair? And should I bring this factor up to my mother, that while I understand she's trying to protect me, I'm not going around telling strangers I'm gay, I'm not going to a boss and saying "by the way I'm gay". I know that's not how I work. But why shouldn't I be able to tell a friend? Why shouldn't I be able to walk hand in hand with my boyfriend like my parents can?

But yeah, should I bring this up to Mom, that I'm an adult and while I am thankful she looks out for me, this is still my life. And has anyone else dealt with stuff like this?

[AloneOutHere]

It sounds to me like your mom is homophobic; completely normal. Maybe just try to bring it up over lunch or something. In my opinion, this is definitely something that you should talk to your mom about. You should be comfortae and be able to feel comfortable with your boyfriend or being out and open with your sexuality. I think you need to talk to her.

[J Snow]

My mom was kind of similar, but I feel yours did it because she wanted to protect you, and mine told me not tell anyone because she's completely and utterly ashamed of me.

If you want to be open on facebook, its your decision and your life.

[Revan]

Yeah...easier said than done though >_< she's a very reactive person. I even talk to her about this, it almost winds up into her making me the villain and confronting her or attacking her at times -_-

[J Snow]

Originally Posted by Revan

Yeah...easier said than done though >_< she's a very reactive person. I even talk to her about this, it almost winds up into her making me the villain and confronting her or attacking her at times -_-

Oh I understand. I'm not out to family (besides parents) or on facebook. I'm not trying to pressure you to do it. I'm just saying that you shouldn't feel guilty about doing something for you instead of her. Its your life.

[stuwee]

Revan, first, good luck to you buddy , you live in a major metro area, is there a PFlag group there, maybe take Mom to a meeting or two, she might like to meet other parents in the as same situation as shes in. Don't expect her to get all excited to go at first, baby steps...

I bet she comes around after awhile, her baby boy isn't who she wanted him to be, she's still dealing with that loss.

[Revan]

Well I believe there is a PFLAG here but it's really out of the way. There is apparently also one in the city I'm moving to (Windsor) so I may contact the coordinator there and go from there....

[stuwee]

Originally Posted by Revan

Well I believe there is a PFLAG here but it's really out of the way. There is apparently also one in the city I'm moving to (Windsor) so I may contact the coordinator there and go from there....

The coordinator can help set up a meeting at you or your Moms place if that works out better.

[Chip]

I seem to think we've had this exact conversation before.

A. You are 23. You're an adult. She has no business whatsoever telling you what you do or don't put on your facebook, wear on your t-shirt, tell your friends or relatives, or anything else. Nor does she have any business telling you who you should date.

B. This has nothing to do with "the world being a mean place" or her trying to protect you. It has everything to do with *her* being ashamed of it for some God-forsaken reason... but she'll probably never own that. I don't mean to be harsh, but, honestly, you need to stand up for yourself. If you want to be nice, you can say "I appreciate your input, but I'm going to make my own decisions as an adult, and I'd appreciate it if you'd respect my decisions, or even if you don't respect them, keep your opinions to yourself. If it were me... I probably wouldn't, at this stage, even feel like being nice... but that's just me.

C. If you want to advocate for gay rights (and i'm not saying you do), then it's your right to do so. And she needs to get that as well. You can always threaten that if she isn't happy with the normal-and-natural way you're being out, you can suddenly be an uber-flamer and start wearing rainbows and pink triangles everywhere and stand on the corner handing out PFLAG literature. Maybe if she thinks that's a possibility she'll shut up and be happy with where things are now. I used to use similar tactics (on a different issue) with my parents saying, in essence, "You think this is bad? If you really want to try me, it could get a lot worse, so maybe you should just chill"... and they got the message.

D. If she starts trying to make you the villain, simply refuse to buy into it. Gently say "If you're going to go there, I'm just going to end this conversation and do what I want to do. If you want to communicate with me, you have to treat me with respect.' There's a great book called "Just Listen" that I would suggest reading. It's amazing in the tips it gives for dealing with these sorts of people.

[Filip]

Originally Posted by Revan

But yeah, should I bring this up to Mom, that I'm an adult and while I am thankful she looks out for me, this is still my life. And has anyone else dealt with stuff like this?

That's a nice, concise way of putting it, actually. And I don't think you should do it more elaborately than that. Because, let's face it, there's years and years of her trying to push you back in the closet here, and no tactic has worked on her yet.

So then that's really is all that's left to be said: you know her opinion, you take it into account, but you're the one who has to decide on how to spend his life, so you'd respectfully ask her to accept that this is a part of what makes life worthwhile.

And if that doesn't make her relent, then stop debating. Tell her you're not interested in continuing this fruitless discussion and go do something else. It's not exactly the polite option, but it's a better way than chewing and re-chewing on the same old discussion.

[EM68]

If you don't like what she is saying about what you put on Facebook then maybe limit her access. Your 23, just tell her that you appreciate that she is concerned about you but you are an adult and you can handle it. Don't let her push you back in the closet.

[TheEdend]

I'm going to joint he chorus here.

She is your mom, but you are also your own person. You are going to have to learn to tell her, as politely as you can, to pretty much suck it up. Its your life and you don't need to explain your actions to her.

Now if you want to try and explain it to her then go for it, but don't stop doing what you want to do while you explain it to her. Help her out, give her resources and be nice to her, but don't let her fear dictate your life.

I had a very similar experience with my parents. When I first started being involved in "gay things" as they call it, they freaked out big time. They pretty much wanted me to be gay, but hide it because...well they couldn't really give me a reason. Jokes on them when I started being very open about my sexuality and advocating around my area. With time, though, they understood that its something that I need to do and they understand why I do it. My mom still doesn't like it, but she at least gave up on trying to stop me.

[peanutbutter]

I think you should tell her. Do believe it's your life and you only get one chance to live it. If my bio family was chill and we.could talk I would tell them the same thing. I had a school principle tell.me to keep it to myself and not to broad cast. Her exact words "some things are not meant to tell people, not natural" granted I was din eighth grade and trusted her. But now I.know and understand.

Its your life. Try it and keep.at least me updated

[Ianthe]

Incidentally, she is completely wrong about advocacy. People who devote significant parts of their lives to a cause greater than themselves, that they believe in, are actually happier than other people. They feel deeply that they are doing what's right, and they find great meaning in their lives.

Your mother is making the somewhat bizarre argument that you should not stand up to being discriminated against because you might be discriminated against, and that would make you unhappy. But you are already discriminated against, and standing up for yourself will result in far greater happiness than allowing the discrimination to continue.