Very Confused

[rsmith850]

hi. i just came out of a 3 year relationship with a girl and jumped into another with another girl for about 7 months. at the beginning, i liked both of them very much. then during the relationships, all of a sudden a depression hit me and it was somehow directed towards them. i have been straight all my life. ive never thought of another guy or fantasized about another guy or anything like that. i like straight porn and have been very sexually active with both of the girls and never had any problems. now all of a sudden i have this terrible feeling that it could be that im gay. i know im probably just freaking out and there is probably some psychiatric reason that i become depressed in realtionships but i was wondering if this could mean anything. i have never had any question about my sexuality until now. please tell me what you all think.

[TheEdend]

Welcome to EC!

What exactly makes you feel like you might be gay? Could you be more specific?

[BreeBree]

I know exactly what you mean. I was in a relationship for 9 months with a guy, and towards the end I was so depressed and just wasn't in it anymore. I never really thought it was because of my sexuality, sometimes you just need a special type of person to be comfortable with, and he wasn't mine. I'm very different than I was when I was first with him, and he also wasn't the most trustworthy. Maybe you've changed a bit too, and you need someone different to accommodate. Did you trust these girls 100% percent? these are just suggestions from personal experience, and there are still several other options other than being gay. And maybe if you are gay, it will be a good thing for you. But its who you are, regardless, just relax, and the answer will come. Happy hunting! Good luck<3

[Chip]

Originally Posted by rsmith850

hi. i just came out of a 3 year relationship with a girl and jumped into another with another girl for about 7 months. at the beginning, i liked both of them very much. then during the relationships, all of a sudden a depression hit me and it was somehow directed towards them. i have been straight all my life. ive never thought of another guy or fantasized about another guy or anything like that. i like straight porn and have been very sexually active with both of the girls and never had any problems. now all of a sudden i have this terrible feeling that it could be that im gay. i know im probably just freaking out and there is probably some psychiatric reason that i become depressed in realtionships but i was wondering if this could mean anything. i have never had any question about my sexuality until now. please tell me what you all think.

Hi, and welcome. You're in the right place

First, there is a huge difference between not feeling like your relationship with a girl is working and being gay. Now, there's overlap where both could be true, but it makes sense to step back for a moment and look at things logically.

What complicates matters is that people who are gay or bi are often in deep denial about it, even to themselves, so one has to dig a little deeper than just "I like straight porn and like having sex with girls", because there are plenty of gay guys that, while in denial, could honestly say both of those things.

So the way to really look at it is to try and clear your mind of preconceived notions. Not easy to do, I know, but at least just be open and inquisitive. Give yourself permission to go out to the mall or somewhere tomorrow and just spend some time looking at guys, and looking at girls. (wear sunglasses if you feel self-conscious). Where do your eyes naturally go? When you do look at guys, do you feel any attraction, or is it just "Meh. Nothing exciting here." And try and answer yourself *honestly*, not with the answer you think you want.

Then look at some porn. You know you already like straight porn, so look at some gay porn. And do it for more than 10 seconds, and don't choose gay porn with 40 year old overweight hairy guys, unless you happen to be into that. In other words, give it a fair shot. As I told another member the other day, basically there are 3 possible responses:

1. You feel no arousal whatsoever, are completely revulsed by it , maybe feel yourself wretching, and turn it off immediately.

2. You have no meaningful response at all; it doesn't gross you out, it doesn't excite you, and it doesn't arouse you.

3. You find yourself physically/sexually aroused by it. (With or without conscious revulsion.)

If it's 1 or 2, you can have a pretty clear take-away that you're straight and gay sex and hot guys don't do anything to excite you. Pretty much end of story.

If it's 3, then you have some more thinking to do.

You can also try fantasizing about guys and then separately about girls when you masturbate (do this without watching porn) and see which fantasies excite you more.

That combination of things will give you a pretty good sense of where your attractions lie. Now... it can be pretty scary to open the door to something like this, but if your goal is to truly find out the answer, rather than to reassure yourself there's nothing to worry about, then this is the solution. Watching gay porn, looking at guys in the mall, or spanking it while thinking about guys won't make you gay if you're straight. But if you are somewhat or very attracted to guys... even if it's something you've hidden and run from... this will help you to understand yourself.

And once you do understand yourself... then you can think about what that means.

If you're so inclined to try the above, tell us what feelings or information comes out of it, and perhaps it will both help you and help others who are going through the same things.

In any case... you'll be fine, whether you're straight, gay, or somewhere in between.

Hope this helps!

[WeirdnessMagnet]

Originally Posted by rsmith850

i have been straight all my life. ive never thought of another guy or fantasized about another guy or anything like that.

As Chip said, denial could be a weird thing. If I had a dollar for every time I thought that, sometimes right after, well, thinking of that sexy guy I met, I'd be fabulously rich by now.

So try and honestly examine your life, without thinking up any lame excuses like, "well, he wasn't really looking very masculine (or 'very gay') anyway (he totally didn't. you'd also totally do him, given a chance.)" or "I was just curious (just very horny)," "Anal does nothing for me (it doesn't do anything for quite a few gays either, plus you need to know how to do it properly)" and so on.

[stilllovelyafte]

OP, I had a similar experience. The idea that I might be gay crossed my mind before I really "felt" anything. I agree with everything Chip said with one caveat. Anxiety. Make sure you are not doing these little exercises when you are being overrun with anxiety. Anxiety, combined with denial/repression, you're unlikely to feel anything when watching a video or fantasizing. Try and approach it from a relaxed perspective.