Roommates...

[jsmurf]

So I've been living at a new place (a shared townhouse suit with two other guys around my age, we each have our own rooms) for about a month. My dad happens to be the landlord of the apartment.

My two roommates, like most other people, have no idea that I'm not straight. Why do I hesitate telling them? Well, suppose I meet a guy who I'm interested in, and after a few dates decide to head back to "host" at my place. I can't predict what my roommates' reactions will be.. They're not my friends, and the only evidence I have to predict is that one of the guys I'm living with told me how he dislikes a certain part of Seattle because of all "the liberals and homosexuals" who live here.

So what you folks think? Would I become "enemies" with my roommates, or at least highly reviled in their eyes if I were to bring back a male date at some point in the future?

Even if it's not about sex, but the fact that I bring a gay/bi guy to my place for dinner and a movie?


It sucks.. I moved out so that I could have more privacy and freedom in my life, and find myself hampered by self-perceived peer pressure.


It's also why I didn't experiment or dare to date any guys in University, although I lived separately then too... I was too fixated on what my dorm buddies might think. :P

---------- Post added 22nd Jan 2012 at 03:27 AM ----------

I'm sort of hating myself right now. What was I thinking? I should have chosen to live with female roomies instead.. Oh well, too late to go back on that now.

[Agathax]

Firstly , don't hate yourself. Ever. Even if you didn't experiment with guys at uni that doesn't mean your not brave for being out now. Coming out is a very difficult and slow process, for some it goes smoothly for other's it takes time. Just because your a member of the latter (like myself) doesn't mean your worth any less!

Your roommate's comment, I think it's important for you to clarify whether or not you misinterpreted what he said, I'm not accusing you here, I just know that when I get quite sensitive about my sexuality I can 'overhear' people saying things and get upset, when actually they didn't say anything like it.

If he did really say that, I'll ask you carefully 'Why should you feel you have an obligation towards him?', I know you live in the same house but that doesn't mean that just because he is uncomfortable with homosexuality that you should have to hide it simply to placate his homophobia. If anything he needs to meet some actual 'gays' so he can get over himself and understand that some people like people of the same sex and that is perfectly normal .

However I do understand what it's like to have to conceal sexuality to keep the peace (Living at home and attending a catholic church), if you feel uncomfortable, or think his reaction will really hurt you, I say gently and quietly go about your business in peace. You don't have pace down the stairs in leather hotpants (but of course you can if you want too ) you have every right as a member of that household, in which you are consenting adult, to date and associate with who you please.

When it comes down to it, if he has an issue he has every right to move.

[mnguy]

Two things really suck in this situation. One, the guy has that bigoted, childish attitude and two that you don't feel free to have a guy over to your place because of him. You're at the age when it should be a lot of fun to meet guys and date and really enjoy your 20's. Like you, I missed out on that in college and regret it, but unlike me, you still have the chance to have fun with guys in your 20's and I hope you do. Seattle seems like it would be a great city to be a young gay guy.

I guess you gotta find the guts to confront your roommate if he mentions his dislike for that area or other anti-gay talk. Maybe you can say, something like, "Why do you dislike gay people so much? Do you really dislike them or is that just what you were taught and you never actually thought about it? You realize most gay guys aren't the flamboyant ones you see in Capitol Hill, right? Do you really know any gay guys besides me?" If you're able to confront him a little maybe he'll reconsider his misguided opinion. Some guys say stuff like that because they always heard it growing up and they never think about it. They assume everyone is straight unless they are fem/flamboyant. Some guys who spout anti-gay nonsense like that use it as a cover for the issues they have with their own sexuality. You're not asking for his permission to bring a guy to your place, but I think getting it out there would give him a chance to grow up a bit and then it'll be easier for you to show up with a guy some night and it won't be a shock to them. Goodluck, dude!

[olides84]

Well if you contemplate bringing guys home, then I think you ought to come out to your roomies sooner rather than later. It'd be better for them to not be surprised when it happens, and better for you to not worry about how they will react to you being gay, because you've told them. I doubt you'll make enemies, although the one guy who made that comment might be a challenge. But hey, it's your place and you have just as much right to be yourself there as anyone else (maybe even more so since your Dad is the landlord )

[mnguy]

Olides84 reminded me of something. If you're not out to your dad, are you worried about the guy telling him if you come out? That would be incredibly childish of that guy if he would do that, but I can see how it could be a concern of yours.

[jsmurf]

Oh, he wouldn't tell my dad (who I'm not out to) I'm sure.. It just wouldn't make sense.

But yeah, I think that roommate was specifically referring to the flamboyant behavior that is common of capital hill. But who knows, he might have meant all gay people.

Last night, I went out on a semi-date with a very sexy young 20 year old twinkish looking guy who was actually quite flamboyant.

Although I'm not really into flamboyance and excessive exhuberance, I was actually really turned on during our chat as we strolled around capital hill at 4 in the morning tonight, before going to grab a coffee at starbucks then going our own way. It's quite a surprise!


When I got back home, I lay in bed and masturbated thoroughly, imagining his milky-white, silky smooth beautiful body and delicious face making love to me as our bodies intertwined.. Then throughout the night, I kept on having dreams where we're snuggling together under the blankets and making out. It was so vivid in fact that upon waking up, I sent him a text message saying, "I was dreaming of you tonight "


In retrospect that was a bit creepy to say (lol), but I wasn't able to control my excitement..

---------- Post added 22nd Jan 2012 at 01:59 PM ----------

Originally Posted by olides84

Well if you contemplate bringing guys home, then I think you ought to come out to your roomies sooner rather than later. It'd be better for them to not be surprised when it happens, and better for you to not worry about how they will react to you being gay, because you've told them. I doubt you'll make enemies, although the one guy who made that comment might be a challenge. But hey, it's your place and you have just as much right to be yourself there as anyone else (maybe even more so since your Dad is the landlord )

Suppose I don't tell them, and one fine night I bring back someone unannounced.

How do you think they would voice/verbalize or show their astonishment/shock?

Neither of my roomies is immature or childish, generally. And the guy who passed that xenophobic comment is the more docile of the two roomies.


The other roommate is alot more energetic and active, but I've never seen him directly comment on gay people. He brings back his GF to his room every other night, whereas the guy who said the xenophobic comment is single.

[sexyalex]

Dear JSMUF,

Does your dad know of your sexuality?

Secondly, if you suspect one of your room mates may be homophobic you are already in a bad position. However, you mentioned that these people are not your friends. That can be a problem.
Spend some time to get to know them. I know this may be hard. Since, I for one at one point did not like meeting and getting to know people. Just for the fact that I did not want them to know anything about me. But, I have learned that if you keep you life with an open book policy, nothing can stop you.

"Go down to national library. My life on open shelf!" Is what my mom always told me. I never quite knew why she never valued privacy. Then it hit me, if you want people to focus on you, give them a reason to. If you don't. Then have nothing to hide.

I'm not saying you need to make these guys your "girlfriends". What i'm saying is, it would be advantageous to find out if he didn't like certain parts of Seattle where homosexuals are liberal because they tried to hit on him, or he had a bad experience...or something. Get to know the story behind that. He may turn out to not be homophobic, but rather ignorant.

Living in a homophobic country, many different kinds of people come by my business office. Gay, straight and bi. One thing I have noticed is that, event he most homophobic clients that I know, would stick up for me and look out for my interest not because of who I sleep with but out of respect. Because I have as much right to be there as they do.
And so do you! You have as much right to be in that suit as those men. And it has nothing to do with you dad. You're a paying tenant. Your decent and you don't make trouble in the apartment.

If your dad doesn't know...make it your duty to let him know. Overtime I have realised such delicate topics such as sex and sexuality is best first professed from you. The people who matter in your life should hear about your love life from no one else but you.

Lastly, if and when you do start dating, be sure you don't bring home anyone for sleepovers unless you have plans for them in your life. One of the most distasteful things to watch is a confused gay youngster who has a different guy entering and leaving his apartment more often than rich old men visit a brothel.

All the best,

-Alex

[Marlowe]

First off, congrats on the date! It sounds like it went pretty well, and I know that this has been something you had been struggling with.

This is a tough situation. I think that you probably need to tell your roommates, ultimately, and it is more than a bit difficult to do, but you probably won't feel comfortable taking someone back to your place unless you are out. I imagine that you might end of sneaking around, something that the boy might be disinclined to get involved in. On the other hand, once you bring someone back it sort of shows that you mean business and that they don't really have a choice.

While your room mate may not like flamboyant gays, I think that this is a pervasive stereotype rather than a deep seated bigotry. If he really meant that he hated all gays he probably wouldn't bother to mention the flamboyance, and it is probably that lifestyle that he dislikes. So this might pose some problems, but I don't think they are insurmountable. While they may not be totally comfortable, I don't think that being out to them would pose a great problem. If you are worried about them telling your dad, I just can't imagine this. Its definitely might cause problems for them in terms of their leases if it didn't pan out well. Especially since they don't know how things are with your dad.

I hope you figure this out/ find the strength to do what you really want. Again, congrats on the hot date.

[jsmurf]

In terms of the date, I'm not sure it will lead anywhere beyond friendship (because he was also jovially droning off for a bit about how he's been seeing someone else recently, which is not what someone who is interested in you would normally do..), which is why I'd call it a pseudo-date.


But yeah, I guess I'll have to tell my roommates at some point. Perhaps not announce it spontaneously, but sort of do a lead-in conversation if the timing's right.

---------- Post added 22nd Jan 2012 at 05:27 PM ----------

In the worst case scenario, if they react poorly, or with apprehension, I can always turn to my brother for help (his apartment is only 4-5 miles away). But it's also something I'd rather not do, because as the younger "baby" brother (I'll always be his "baby" brother in his eyes, even when I'm 73 and he's 80), I'm trying to have pride in my ability to manage potential confrontations effectively on my own.

---------- Post added 22nd Jan 2012 at 05:38 PM ----------

Originally Posted by sexyalex

Lastly, if and when you do start dating, be sure you don't bring home anyone for sleepovers unless you have plans for them in your life. One of the most distasteful things to watch is a confused gay youngster who has a different guy entering and leaving his apartment more often than rich old men visit a brothel.


-Alex

Haha, don't worry. I'm not a promiscuous slut! It's just that having been deprived of more intimate occasions in the past, I'm very interested not only in having a relationship, but seeing what all the sensations are like in bed with a boyfriend/partner. I want to confirm to myself whether it's the same, worse, or better than the lustful depictions I've seen in porn.

---------- Post added 22nd Jan 2012 at 05:40 PM ----------

Because honestly, the deprivation has been gnawing away at my mind, and at times even interfering interfering in my day-to-day work and activities.

I didn't feel this same heightened urgency to experience both emotional and physical intimacy in my earlier years.