The sex has gone... - Empty Closets - A safe online community for gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgendered people coming out

KatieK · 24th Jan 2012, 06:40 AM

Hi everyone,

Post number one from me.

I'm currently in a relationship with a great girl who I have been with for 2 years. I love her very much and she is my first proper relationship with a girl.

I came out to my parents a few months ago with bad results. My father will talk to me/is fine with me as long as we don't make any reference to my relationship. My mum said that if I died it would be easier for her and still does not talk to me.

Since then every time my gf initiates some kind of sex I just go cold. I feel awful for her because I understand she has needs but I just get this overwhelming feeling of guilt. It came out last night to some extent when I told her I feel guilty and she got very upset and said even though she felt proud normally that me feeling guilt made her wonder if she should do.

I feel like my feelings are destroying our relationship and I don't know how to get us back on track.

Any advice would be much appreciated,

Thanks

Sunsetting · 24th Jan 2012, 09:10 AM

first off, i'm sorry things were so difficult with your mom. i really feel for you. your mom's approach wasn't/isn't very loving at all. i will deal with that in a minute. but quickly, consider giving your mom time. it's super new for her and she needs a chance to get her head and heart wrapped around it. but i am really glad you can talk with your dad.

this might sound strange, but let me address the concept of "needs" first. you have emotional needs right now and they affect sex. as you've seen emotional 'needs' trump the 'need' for sex (which i would say is really more of a desire to be intimate with someone than an actual 'need' for sex). intimacy is what you are actually longing for and it's developed in many ways besides sex; common interests, communication, sacrifice, going through challenges together and compassion (among others) are what make our relationships stronger and give us true intimacy with another person. all these things knit us together like a tapestry. i encourage you to keep being open with your partner about the depth of what's going on, ask her to be patient with you and keep doing things together. i'm sure you already expressed it's not about her, so you're already making headway.

at the same time you will need to deal with the pain of the way your mum treated/has been treating you. you obviously care for your mum and her opinion. part of that is good, part of that has been crippling you because, i assume you really want to please her which is really common. dealing with that pain is from the inside out, because you can't change her. first you have to acknowledge that even though she had/has a hurtful reaction towards you, you need to give her permission to deal with things the way she does and not judge her for her actions (and i acknowledge they were/are hurtful). even though it might be wrong, it doesn't make her a bad person. it comes down to the key of forgiving your mum and even yourself. there's a clear parallel between your mom's inability to 'forgive' you for what she feels is wrong and your inability to forgive yourself (aka guilt). that's why forgiveness is critical here. it's tough, because she hasn't necessarily taught you how to forgive, but perhaps your dad or a counselor can help. whether it be forgiving your mom or yourself, don't let bitterness or anger take root. it's poison that will ultimately hurt you. it's deep work that can be challenging, but it's been done before and you can do it and it will leave you better and ultimately free in your life to engage in true intimacy.

**Lexington** · 24th Jan 2012, 09:14 AM

Welcome to EC! That said, I think this may be something more than we can help you with here. You seem to have the issue well-defined - heavy guilt from your parents is making you pull away when your girlfriend wants to get intimate. But the next step is overcoming that guilt so you can feel free to get intimate with her again, and I don't know if we can do a step-by-step for that. Definitely take your girlfriend on board, and let her know precisely what's going on. And then you might start looking into seeing a therapist to help you over this mental block.

Lex

24th Jan 2012, 06:40 AM	#1
KatieK Newbie Regular Member Gender: Female Orientation: Bisexual Posts: 1 Join Date: Jan 2012	The sex has gone... Hi everyone, Post number one from me. I'm currently in a relationship with a great girl who I have been with for 2 years. I love her very much and she is my first proper relationship with a girl. I came out to my parents a few months ago with bad results. My father will talk to me/is fine with me as long as we don't make any reference to my relationship. My mum said that if I died it would be easier for her and still does not talk to me. Since then every time my gf initiates some kind of sex I just go cold. I feel awful for her because I understand she has needs but I just get this overwhelming feeling of guilt. It came out last night to some extent when I told her I feel guilty and she got very upset and said even though she felt proud normally that me feeling guilt made her wonder if she should do. I feel like my feelings are destroying our relationship and I don't know how to get us back on track. Any advice would be much appreciated, Thanks

24th Jan 2012, 09:10 AM	#2
Sunsetting Banned Regular Member Gender: Male Orientation: bi, straight, gay Out Status: to some family and friends Location: New York Age: 42 Posts: 950 Join Date: Dec 2011	Re: The sex has gone... first off, i'm sorry things were so difficult with your mom. i really feel for you. your mom's approach wasn't/isn't very loving at all. i will deal with that in a minute. but quickly, consider giving your mom time. it's super new for her and she needs a chance to get her head and heart wrapped around it. but i am really glad you can talk with your dad. this might sound strange, but let me address the concept of "needs" first. you have emotional needs right now and they affect sex. as you've seen emotional 'needs' trump the 'need' for sex (which i would say is really more of a desire to be intimate with someone than an actual 'need' for sex). intimacy is what you are actually longing for and it's developed in many ways besides sex; common interests, communication, sacrifice, going through challenges together and compassion (among others) are what make our relationships stronger and give us true intimacy with another person. all these things knit us together like a tapestry. i encourage you to keep being open with your partner about the depth of what's going on, ask her to be patient with you and keep doing things together. i'm sure you already expressed it's not about her, so you're already making headway. at the same time you will need to deal with the pain of the way your mum treated/has been treating you. you obviously care for your mum and her opinion. part of that is good, part of that has been crippling you because, i assume you really want to please her which is really common. dealing with that pain is from the inside out, because you can't change her. first you have to acknowledge that even though she had/has a hurtful reaction towards you, you need to give her permission to deal with things the way she does and not judge her for her actions (and i acknowledge they were/are hurtful). even though it might be wrong, it doesn't make her a bad person. it comes down to the key of forgiving your mum and even yourself. there's a clear parallel between your mom's inability to 'forgive' you for what she feels is wrong and your inability to forgive yourself (aka guilt). that's why forgiveness is critical here. it's tough, because she hasn't necessarily taught you how to forgive, but perhaps your dad or a counselor can help. whether it be forgiving your mom or yourself, don't let bitterness or anger take root. it's poison that will ultimately hurt you. it's deep work that can be challenging, but it's been done before and you can do it and it will leave you better and ultimately free in your life to engage in true intimacy. Last edited by Sunsetting; 24th Jan 2012 at 09:22 AM..

24th Jan 2012, 09:14 AM	#3
Lexington The gay gargoyle EC Advisor Gender: Male Orientation: Gay Out Status: Out to everyone Location: Colorado Age: 42 Posts: 12,372 Join Date: Dec 2007	Re: The sex has gone... Welcome to EC! That said, I think this may be something more than we can help you with here. You seem to have the issue well-defined - heavy guilt from your parents is making you pull away when your girlfriend wants to get intimate. But the next step is overcoming that guilt so you can feel free to get intimate with her again, and I don't know if we can do a step-by-step for that. Definitely take your girlfriend on board, and let her know precisely what's going on. And then you might start looking into seeing a therapist to help you over this mental block. Lex