Lesbian or bisexual? Struggling with confusion.

[CelticFlame]

I feel a bit daft to be posting this, at 22, and generally being pretty self aware, but I desperately need to get this out somewhere, just so it's not banging round my head anymore driving me crazy.

I'm female, and I've known I was attracted to women basically since I knew what attraction was, and I'm comfortable with that, I'm open about it, and everyone in my life accepts that. I generally describe myself as bisexual. What I'm actually confused about is whether I'm genuinely attracted to men at all. I always assumed I was - I always saw it as the default, even after I realised how I felt for women. I've dated men, found them them pleasent to look at, enjoyed spending time with them, even slept with them - but none of it is the way it is with women, the way I feel about them. It just feels like I'm disconnected from I might've called myself bisexual, but when I think about my future, it's always been with a woman. Being with men hasn't been awful, but it just feels hollow, not quite right if that makes any sense? I don't think I've ever really allowed msyelf to think about the fact that I might be gay, not bisexual - I'm scared that with a smaller dating pool, no-one would find me attractive, I wouldn't find anyone, I'd be alone.

The main reason that this is coming up is that for the past two years I've been in a relationship with a lovely man. I love his company, he treats me well, we have so much in common, he's my best friend, and he seems to see us being together long term. The sex side isn't wonderful, but not awful, just sort...just something thats's done. I do love him,, but when I think about being with him for good, never being with a woman again, never actaully feeling connected to a relationship again, amkes me want to scream. I'm crying just typing this, because I just don't know what to do. I love him, we could rub along well together for years, but something huge is missing. I just don't know what to do, or how to figure out who I actually am, or how I really feel, and I just acn't see any way to go forward here that isn't awful, either for him or me.

That was probably an utterly pointless rant, but if anyone has any feedback, please, I'd be grateful for it. I just don't know what to do here.

[silverhalo]

Hey firstly you shouldnt worry about how old you are, I didnt work out I was gay till I was 26 so you are not that old. I think from what you have said it sounds like you are more likely gay or at least bisexual with a preference for girls. The most important thing here though is that whatever you have with your boyfriend, however nice it is you have admitted there is something missing and it doesnt matter how long the relationship goes on there will always be something missing. I suggest that although it will be hard you should end things with your boyfriend for the good of both of you. I dont think you should worry too much about whether you label yourself bi or gay, you are already out so it doesnt matter, if you never date another guy again then it doesnt matter, and if you date some girls and then fall for a guy then thats great too.

[biAnnika]

Hi CelticFlame,

First, take a deep breath...you are who you are, and you are just great.

The thing is that sexuality isn't binary (straight vs. gay)...and it isn't ternary either (straight vs. gay vs. bisexual). It's a whole multidimensional continuum. Bisexuals differ in the extent to which they have attraction for each sex (I say "each" like there are two, but I also recognize that sex is also a multidimensional continuum)...and there is both sexual and romantic attraction to consider. So if the "bisexual" label feels good or right to you, the fact that you have little sexual attraction toward men does not exclude you from use of that label.

But the label is really a red herring. The real issue is that you are missing something important. You sound like you have strong attraction to women, and enjoy sex with them quite a bit. Ok, forgive me a food analogy: I love chocolate. And if I was with someone who for whatever reason prevented me from having chocolate at least once in a while, there would be trouble. I mean, yes, I could get along with that person just fine...indefinitely. But when I would look at the long term and see (a) a future of no chocolate ever again, or (b) I would cheat...well, sheesh, I'd be getting a little depressed.

My point is that sex is like anything else you like: if you can't face a future without at least occasional sex with women, then don't get into an exclusive relationship with a man. There are two ways to face this. Either, break up (nicely of course) and sacrifice what you have; or talk with him, let him know how you feel about this, and suggest having a relationship that is a bit more open than totally exclusive...something that would allow you to occasionally have a sexual encounter with a woman...people work out all kinds of arrangements. If he's down with that (and he's great in every other way), then he sounds like a keeper. But if *you* have needs for monogamy, this may not be a satisfactory option for you.

But the decision you have before you seems to have little to do with whether you are bisexual or lesbian...but rather with whether you can live without women. And regardless of whether you are bisexual or lesbian, you need to ask yourself realistically whether you can make the long haul with *only* a man...and what the realistic alternatives are for you.

I don't know if I've said anything useful...but I wish you well. *hugs*

[Chouchou]

I'll try to remember what it was I posted before it was lost.

Firstly, it sounds to me that you're gay.

Secondly, I remember you said that you are a counselor for LGBT teens in your area, and that you feel like a hypocrite for giving them advice that you haven't heeded yourself. I once advised a young friend of mine to always do his homework first and, as far as I know, he's been following this advice since and has done well in school, whereas I haven't done nearly as well. Because he took my advice and it worked very well for him, I feel pretty good about it. You are doing an admirable and extremely important service for these teens by counseling them. Your advice, which they have hopefully taken to heart, will enrich their lives, and that's what's most important.

Lastly (but not least), you are already in this situation with your boyfriend, and someone will definitely feel hurt once it has to end. If you keep your relationship going, you will likely be unhappy for the duration of it, and the longer it persists, the worse both of you will feel (especially him) when you break it off. If you end this relationship earlier, both of you will be emotionally hurt for a period of time, but will also be happier in the long run.

[CelticFlame]

Thanks for the replies, guys - I had this thread worded a little better, but the reboot ate it for dinner. I guess my main issue really is - how can I take a look at who I really am, what I really want, without my brain basically wussing out when it comes to actually trying to figure out what these feelings are telling me. I'm scared to face up to anything that might mean I need to make changes in my life and how I live it - I guess I'm just a bit of a coward like that. It's not even really a sex issue - my emotional connection to women is just more, if that makes any sense. It just isn't the same with a man, even a good man.