what am i? (long post) - Empty Closets - A safe online community for gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgendered people coming out

sahmOfJP · 26th Jan 2012, 12:46 AM

My bf is an old relationship...we dated off and on for 3 or 4 years before ib became depressed due to his still in progress divorce and I left him in 2009. I met the man that got me pregnant then pressured me into marrying him. Surprise surprise that marriage did not work out well. During the pregnancy I wanted sex all the time but my husband refused me because pregnant was a turn off for him. After the baby was born he wanted sex but my libido had crashed and I had absolutely so desire for him. He verbally abused me constantly until he wore me down to agree to let him have sex once a week but he was hurting me every time and did not care. He had become an angry and mean man. As time went on and it did not stop hurting any to have sex with him I started spreading my begrudging sex duties to once every 2 weeks. About 5 months after the baby was born I was giving him sex bimonthly and crying though it. He became so rough that he not only hurt me inside but also left a bruise on my arm. I showed this to him and he told me that he didn't care that I bruise too easy. I stoped having sex with him at all. A month later he tried to rape me. The baby was in the swing next to my side of the bed and was awake and screaming and crying as I fought and screamed for help. I finally managed to get him off of me and I left the house with the baby. I called the police but when they saw me (my bruises were not showing up yet) they dismissed me saying he was twice my size and "if he wanted to rape you he would rape you if he wanted to kill you he would kill you call us if he actually does something". I spent the next 2 months in a domestic violence shelter. I got back in touch with my ex boyfriend from before my husband who was kind and understanding and said that he still loves me and because he came from me he loves my son too. I agreed to come live with him and we would "be a family". He is now quite frustrated and upset because since I have been back I cannot bring myself to want anything to do with him sexually. He was very understanding at first but now is not.before all of this I was physically attracted to this man and now I am just not. In fact I cannot seam to find myself attracted to any man lately. We hit a rough patch finaancially and my bisexual bff who also hit a financial rough patch moved in with jus in october. Now I am finding myself admiring her body the way I used to admire my bf's and my husband's bodies. She is sweet and kind and understanding. I find myself wanting phsical contact with her and even dreamed the other night about kissing her. I don't understand what exactly is happening...or what I should do.

J Snow · 26th Jan 2012, 01:05 AM

Well no one can really tell you “what” you are besides you. From the sounds of it you've always been bi though. After being through such a rough emotional trial its normal that sexual activity with another man would remind you of all of those negative emotions associated with your past experiences. If this guy isn't willing to understand that I think you may want to reconsider if he's worth starting a family with.

Best of luck. Welcome to the site, I hope it helps you find the answers you are looking for

Abbysanewgirl · 26th Jan 2012, 01:06 AM

You my dear girl are hurting. You have been raped by your husband.
They don't deserve you. You have a child and yourself to take care of.
As to your attraction to your roommate, you might be a lesbian and I say
go for it. But you put your child and yourself first.
We are here for your sweetie!

Ace17 · 26th Jan 2012, 12:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by J Snow

Well no one can really tell you “what” you are besides you. From the sounds of it you've always been bi though. After being through such a rough emotional trial its normal that sexual activity with another man would remind you of all of those negative emotions associated with your past experiences. If this guy isn't willing to understand that I think you may want to reconsider if he's worth starting a family with.

Best of luck. Welcome to the site, I hope it helps you find the answers you are looking for

Yeah I totally agree with this.

scooby · 26th Jan 2012, 01:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sahmOfJP

I spent the next 2 months in a domestic violence shelter. I got back in touch with my ex boyfriend from before my husband who was kind and understanding and said that he still loves me and because he came from me he loves my son too. I agreed to come live with him and we would "be a family". He is now quite frustrated and upset because since I have been back I cannot bring myself to want anything to do with him sexually. He was very understanding at first but now is not.before all of this I was physically attracted to this man and now I am just not.

I'm sorry but this man is obviously taking advantage of you. You have been through a terrible, life-altering ordeal which requires months of therapy and patience and time. This ex-boyfriend of yours is using your need - your need for shelter and stability - as a means to get back in your pants. You are realizing this on a subconscious level and you are resisting because you've already left one rapist and you are beginning to realize that this is the same situation in different clothes.

Sex is only sex when both parties are interested and invested. Otherwise, it is just masturbation.

I cannot imagine a man, a REAL man not certifiably sociopathic, who could enjoy sex when his partner is noticeably unhappy.

Quote:

Originally Posted by sahmOfJP

In fact I cannot seam to find myself attracted to any man lately. We hit a rough patch finaancially and my bisexual bff who also hit a financial rough patch moved in with jus in october. Now I am finding myself admiring her body the way I used to admire my bf's and my husband's bodies. She is sweet and kind and understanding. I find myself wanting phsical contact with her and even dreamed the other night about kissing her. I don't understand what exactly is happening...or what I should do.

Sweet and kind and understanding is what you need, it's what you're attracted to. It's how you were attracted to your boyfriend. However please don't act on these urges just yet. This is important: Otherwise you are continuing the cycle of "using a new relationship to ease out of the old one" which is not healthy, or fair, for anyone involved.

You need time to heal and to fall in love with yourself. You need to leave both the bisexual friend and the ex-boyfriend behind. I strongly, strongly, STRONGLY advise finding a good therapist who is used to dealing with victims of long-term sexual assault. Until you resolve those issues, you will taint every relationship you get into - and you will eventually teach your child that same distrust and inability to truly love.

Regards,

A fellow (FORMER!) victim who learned all this the hard way... twice.

kirbycat · 26th Jan 2012, 02:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sahmOfJP

I called the police but when they saw me (my bruises were not showing up yet) they dismissed me saying he was twice my size and "if he wanted to rape you he would rape you if he wanted to kill you he would kill you call us if he actually does something".

What an infuriating load of bullsh*t. That is absolutely wrong and totally inexcusable. I don't know what domestic violence training for police entails, but it sure as hell doesn't cover the emotional needs of the victim the way it should. Not with the number of stories like this in the world.

Quote:

Sweet and kind and understanding is what you need, it's what you're attracted to. It's how you were attracted to your boyfriend. However please don't act on these urges just yet. You need time to heal and to fall in love with yourself. I strongly, strongly, STRONGLY advise finding a good therapist who is used to dealing with victims of long-term sexual assault. Until you resolve those issues, you will taint every relationship you get into - and you will eventually teach your child that same distrust and inability to truly love.

I agree with this 100%. Whoever you may be attracted to, the person you need to focus your affection on first is yourself, and your child. This kind of emotional baggage isn't something you want to carry into any relationship.

Wishing you all the love and strength in the world as you find your path.

26th Jan 2012, 12:46 AM	#1
sahmOfJP Newbie Regular Member Gender: Female Orientation: Questioning Out Status: Not out at all Location: oklahoma Posts: 3 Join Date: Jan 2012	what am i? (long post) My bf is an old relationship...we dated off and on for 3 or 4 years before ib became depressed due to his still in progress divorce and I left him in 2009. I met the man that got me pregnant then pressured me into marrying him. Surprise surprise that marriage did not work out well. During the pregnancy I wanted sex all the time but my husband refused me because pregnant was a turn off for him. After the baby was born he wanted sex but my libido had crashed and I had absolutely so desire for him. He verbally abused me constantly until he wore me down to agree to let him have sex once a week but he was hurting me every time and did not care. He had become an angry and mean man. As time went on and it did not stop hurting any to have sex with him I started spreading my begrudging sex duties to once every 2 weeks. About 5 months after the baby was born I was giving him sex bimonthly and crying though it. He became so rough that he not only hurt me inside but also left a bruise on my arm. I showed this to him and he told me that he didn't care that I bruise too easy. I stoped having sex with him at all. A month later he tried to rape me. The baby was in the swing next to my side of the bed and was awake and screaming and crying as I fought and screamed for help. I finally managed to get him off of me and I left the house with the baby. I called the police but when they saw me (my bruises were not showing up yet) they dismissed me saying he was twice my size and "if he wanted to rape you he would rape you if he wanted to kill you he would kill you call us if he actually does something". I spent the next 2 months in a domestic violence shelter. I got back in touch with my ex boyfriend from before my husband who was kind and understanding and said that he still loves me and because he came from me he loves my son too. I agreed to come live with him and we would "be a family". He is now quite frustrated and upset because since I have been back I cannot bring myself to want anything to do with him sexually. He was very understanding at first but now is not.before all of this I was physically attracted to this man and now I am just not. In fact I cannot seam to find myself attracted to any man lately. We hit a rough patch finaancially and my bisexual bff who also hit a financial rough patch moved in with jus in october. Now I am finding myself admiring her body the way I used to admire my bf's and my husband's bodies. She is sweet and kind and understanding. I find myself wanting phsical contact with her and even dreamed the other night about kissing her. I don't understand what exactly is happening...or what I should do.

26th Jan 2012, 01:05 AM	#2
J Snow EC Addict Regular Member Gender: Sex - Male, Gender -Female/bigender/not quite sure Orientation: Primarily interested in men. Out Status: fairly out about sexuality, gender not so much Location: Des Moines, Iowa Age: 22 Posts: 1,392 Join Date: Aug 2011	Re: what am i? (long post) Well no one can really tell you “what” you are besides you. From the sounds of it you've always been bi though. After being through such a rough emotional trial its normal that sexual activity with another man would remind you of all of those negative emotions associated with your past experiences. If this guy isn't willing to understand that I think you may want to reconsider if he's worth starting a family with. Best of luck. Welcome to the site, I hope it helps you find the answers you are looking for __________________ "You don't need to hide my friend, for I am just like you."

26th Jan 2012, 01:06 AM	#3
Abbysanewgirl Abbysanewgirl Regular Member Gender: Transgender - MtF Orientation: Lesbian Out Status: A few people Posts: 19 Join Date: Sep 2011	Re: what am i? (long post) You my dear girl are hurting. You have been raped by your husband. They don't deserve you. You have a child and yourself to take care of. As to your attraction to your roommate, you might be a lesbian and I say go for it. But you put your child and yourself first. We are here for your sweetie!