self acceptance - how did you get there

[insidehappy]

so i have been going back and forth with self acceptance. it's like a tug of war game and im on both ends of the rope pulling against myself and never seeming to win the game.

im tired of hiding to myself. im tired of ducking and hoping no one finds out. im tired of ending potential relationships with guys just because i want to be the window shopper that looks through the mirror but doesn't want to buy anything.

i can't really accept that i like guys. yes, i know it for myself, but it appears that as soon as i come to accept it, i beat myself up about it. the advisors on here have been great. probably telling me things i need to hear but do not want to accept.

i just feel so ashamed. such like a disappointment, im just tired and drained. i feel like i have been running around in circles for years and not getting anywhere. sure i can go to a gay club or bar and for me that was a big milestone but outside of that, i am still in denial even to myself at times.

i self loathe myself so much that i have started to withdraw from friend groups and activities involving others because the gay world and the straight world are getting too close and if they overlap and someone finds out. i just can't deal.

im so tired of beating myself up about an attraction that i can't help. i feel worthless.

has anyone felt like this and most importantly what did you do to make it stop. i'm getting older. im tired.

[malachite]

Do you have all this self loathing because you don't like being or because your worried about what other people's views are towards gay.

Only asking because the only way your gonna be able to make progress is to ID what the real issues are behind the self hatred for being gay.

Would you have all this self hatred if the world has a more positive view on gay people?

[maverick]

Find something you're good at and become the best you possibly can at it. Work your ass off and prove yourself. That way your identity as a gay person becomes auxiliary to your identity as an awesome person.

Honestly though, coming out bolstered my self-confidence 200%. Even if my family had not been accepting of me (and trust me, it was a close thing) just knowing I had a group of people I didn't have to hide it from anymore - for better or worse - took a HUGE weight off my shoulders.

So yeah, that's pretty much the crux of my advice:
1. Find a strong self-identity that does not revolve around your sexual orientation.
2. Come out, come out, wherever you are.

[insidehappy]

Originally Posted by malachite

Do you have all this self loathing because you don't like being or because your worried about what other people's views are towards gay.

Only asking because the only way your gonna be able to make progress is to ID what the real issues are behind the self hatred for being gay.

Would you have all this self hatred if the world has a more positive view on gay people?

fear of what others will say and how they will judge me and how what they will say could impact my future or career.

[malachite]

ok so what is your career?

[insidehappy]

i want to be a singer. but i do not want to be a "gay singer". basically im afraid of being like ricky martin and want to hide. all the rumors swirling around him. attention. if i become successful i just do not want everyone to know im into guys. i know there are gay bands and gay singers that are out, but i just feel like i want to be in the closet but look at me now. im a wreck. i can't even focus on being a singer anyway now. this has drained me of all my interest. now that i have been to gay places i feel ruined before i even start. like i messed myself up already.

[maverick]

I'm uber-gay, employed in one of the most macho industries on the planet, in one of the most bigoted regions in the world, and I've still managed to snag two huge performance-based raises in the last six months. It goes back to #1 - if you're awesome at what you do, people won't care that you're gay. Even the ones who might will look past it.

Your sexual orientation doesn't have to impact your career at all. In fact, in a lot of places it's illegal for your employer to even consider it.

As far as what people are gonna say...



If you're going to be in show business, you have got to develop a thick skin. If you're afraid of what people are going to say before you ever start, you'll never make it bro. You are going to be criticized for all kinds of things, some of which have NOTHING to do with you. Just do you and kick ass at it - the rest will take care of itself.

No one says that if you're a singer you have to be a "gay" singer. There are tons of people in the entertainment industry who are fabulously homo, but it doesn't form the foundation of their artistic expression or anything.

[insidehappy]

thnks. i like that dancing eagle. that's funny. i just cant say "i'm gay" even outside of the entertainment thing, i just have a hard time saying. this has been a long process.

[maverick]

Originally Posted by insidehappy

thnks. i like that dancing eagle. that's funny. i just cant say "i'm gay" even outside of the entertainment thing, i just have a hard time saying. this has been a long process.

I feel you, I didn't come out until I was 25. That's practically ancient in gay years.

[Jerseyboy]

What helped me accept it myself, was when I was able to rationalize it without anyone else completely telling me that I was gay. I came to terms with it by coming to the realization that its not that I can't get girls, but I just don't want them. It really helped. After that, I'm still somewhat struggling but not nearly as bad as before. The logic and simplicity helped me grasp my sexuality in a way that I never thought possible. Don't worry about anyone else. It's your life and you can't be expected to live up to anyone else's expectations. And as for the whole labeling thing as the "gay singer," I wouldn't focus on it, as long as you base your career around your singing, and not your sexual orientation you know? Sure Ricky Martin is infamous in this idea, but look at another example, no one considers Neil Patrick Harris that "gay actor." So there's hope =] Hope this helped man, best of luck to you.

[insidehappy]

thanks jerseyboy and mav and mal. i appreicate the wisdom

[malachite]

no reason you can't be a singer and gay (I checked the rule book...twice)
So, you're worried that your career could suffer because your in the closet. Well, take note from Ricky don't hide.
It's 2012 being gay isn't as big a deal as even 10 years ago. The world is making progress. In the end self confidence is something you're gonna build your yourself.

It starts by accepting yourself people are gonna wanna insult you, but know WHY they do will be for key to not letting it get to you.

People want to YOU feel bad because it makes themselves feel better. Or, they could just insane like Ann Coulter, most don't even know why they its just something they hear then decided to repeat without thinking.

[Zontar]

Being LGBT is such an enriching life experience. I think I've learned that, more than anything, it's a gift and to not appreciate it would be ludicrous.

[mike90]

I understand how you feel.... it reminds me of how I used to be and how I am sure a hell of a lot of people on here were at one point in their life.

Nowadays being gay is perhaps one of two things I would not change about myself (the other being my partner). There is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. You may feel that you have let people down but who says that you will not lead a wonderful productive life, make people proud and be gay.

You may feel like you are not worthy of being included (I used to feel this a lot) but there is no reason to feel like this at all. Who is more worthy, you for being yourself or someone else for refusing to accept you. Who is the better person. You are of course and anyone who truly loves you will accept (even if they do not always 100% understand) you.

There is absolutely nothing for you to be ashamed about. Just because you may not have opted to be gay given the choice that doesn't mean you will not grow to accept and even like it.

for now and if you ever want to chat then I am here if you want a chat or anything xx

[Tracker57]

You are describing me last year. I felt so bad until.....

I realized that it was just WHO I AM. I didn't do anything wrong to make myself this way. No one else did anything wrong to make me this way. God made me this way. Fundamentally, my brain is wired to be attracted to men. I finally stopped trying to change myself. When I did, I started to be happy!

Another thing that changed my way of thinking was all the advantages I had over other people who weren't gay. Over time, I have developed skills and abilities BECAUSE I am gay. (A great management book is the G Quotient about gay management styles--that's me!) I told someone if I hadn't been born gay, I'd be an obnoxious heterosexual jerk! I can't imagine myself any other way. I wouldn't give up my attraction for other males for anything. It is the biggest gift I was ever given.

Go embrace your gay self!!

Tracker

[insidehappy]

the outpouring of love has been awesome. thanks all. this kinda bad feeling happens when i get close to becoming self actualized and accepting. it's like when i keep myself in denial and go about my life and put being gay out of my mind, i seem to feel better about mlyself. when i test the waters, or confront my attraction to a guy in away way (flirting, being at a gay event or place), well all this self hate comes in, then i rush back into my virtual "closet" and pad lock the doors and then after a few months of that, it's like all the gayness was washed away, and i feel "normal" again (whatever that means). but then i will see a guy and be attracted, or go to a gay club and think "wow, he's hot" or I will flirt with a man and then those gay hating thoughts come back. i am also very internalized homophobic. an advisor suggested i read 10 Smart Things Gay Men Can Do to Improve Their Lives . i will try and get it.

the weird thing is that my rationalize mind says, "why in the world are you beating yourself up for simply liking someone? wanting to dance with someone? or go to places where other people like you are? why are you throwing coals over yoruself for this? do you feel bad when you have liked a lady?...NO, do you feel bad when you danced with a girl...NEVER.. do you feel bad when you have gone to a straight club...ABsolutley NOT. so the only reason why i am feeling bad is for fear of what others will say and being judged and that's really stupid. so it's like i'm beating myself up before others get a chance. i guess my internalized homophobia sees being gay as bad and if i'm gay, i'm bad too. i gotta work through this cuz this is a downward spiral. normally i would post to anonymous but i just dont even have the energy to hide there anymore.

---------- Post added 27th Jan 2012 at 03:14 PM ----------

Originally Posted by Tracker57

You are describing me last year. I felt so bad until.....

I realized that it was just WHO I AM. I didn't do anything wrong to make myself this way. No one else did anything wrong to make me this way. God made me this way. Fundamentally, my brain is wired to be attracted to men. I finally stopped trying to change myself. When I did, I started to be happy!

Another thing that changed my way of thinking was all the advantages I had over other people who weren't gay. Over time, I have developed skills and abilities BECAUSE I am gay. (A great management book is the G Quotient about gay management styles--that's me!) I told someone if I hadn't been born gay, I'd be an obnoxious heterosexual jerk! I can't imagine myself any other way. I wouldn't give up my attraction for other males for anything. It is the biggest gift I was ever given.

Go embrace your gay self!!

Tracker

thanks tracker. its like yes, i know this, yes i know taht i can't change it. i guess i just didnt wanna be "the gay guy". but my rationale mind says, "you are not teh gay guy" you are who you are. you are a guy that happens to like others guys. you have not changed. you have always been like this. the real you is the person that you have aleways been so if anyone sees you differently or treats you different, they have changed. you haven't. you are just coming closer to the fullness of who you are instead of conforming to what someone else said you should be like. each snowflake is different adn we appreciate their beauty. you are still beautiful and awesome in your differences."

but my current state of mind says: you are part of a small group of poeple that are looked down upon and not considered normal and when other guys that are not part of that group find out they will shun you and hate you.

then my rationale minds say: dude, you are in your thirties and never talk about a girlfriend or girls and no one has seen you with one in years, ummm sherlock they know or if they dont tknow they have suspected at least.

[mike90]

Originally Posted by insidehappy

Normally I would post to anonymous but I just don't even have the energy to hide there any more.

This is something that you will find more and more as time goes by. The energy to hide it gets greater and greater until finally it uses less energy to accept it.

Good luck with things. I really hope that you find the strength to accept yourself, mainly because you deserve to be happy but also because every time another gay person is open and honest about who they are society becomes a little more understanding, and several more people who know you will drop their prejudices because they love you.

Mike x

I recommend finding some "out" gay friends, male and female. Try to find male gay friends with whom you have absolutely no physical desire. Go out for coffee or something non-sexualized (ie, not a bar). Try at first to remove sex from the equation and just get to know the people, the culture, and their experiences. Once you get to know them, suddenly they wont' be just a label or an identity, they'll be real human beings. I'm convinced homophobic ppl would soften their attitudes once they get know a gay person.

I think you too might also find your attitude toward being gay changes as you get to know gay people in a relaxed, non-sexual way (which is why its important to get to know lesbians too, that way there's no threat of attraction). As you get to know them, you'll feel better about yourself and who you really are.

[malachite]

Well letting us know who you are is a step in the right direction.

You might be nervious about being gay because it's unfamilar. Like you said you feel fine until you test the waters, maybe you should jump in instead of dipping your toe in.

[insidehappy]

thanks mal. and goobiehowswer (btw, i love that screenname).

@ mal...well yea, others have told me i need to jump in and have sex. i dont feel like doing that right now. they said i should see if i liked it and then that would help me but i mean, i dont think straight people have sex to see if they like it and if they dont they will turn to guys. lol. well maybe some do but to me that's more than i can do right now. and goobie does have a piont. when i think about all the "friends" that are gay that i've had, i can't say that they have been platonic. it was always some attractive or something that happened but never worked out so the friendship ended too. im actually very tired of feeling depressed and ashamed of myself and hating myself. its a beautiful day outside. i do not know if im on the right path, but i need to seek out a therapist like many have suggested and try and feel beetter about myself