Latent Gender Confused

[LoRmAn5000]

I think I may be a woman.

That's what my mind is telling me without very much precedent to back it up. I have no recollection of ever EXPLICITLY desiring to be female at any point in my early life or even the dreaded pubescent years.

At 14 I was terrifyingly CERTAIN I was GAY, and I kept that in stasis for 7 years until, at 21, I took the bi step followed swiftly by the coming out as gay at 22. Now I'm 25, and in the 3 years I have been a loud and proud homosexual male, I have had 3 or 4 massive anxiety attacks where I have questioned my gender identity.

Lacking the stereotypical "I knew when I was 4" kind of history. I am kind of in a place of massive confusion. I mean, for halloween, I was Darth Vader. I was the Blue Power Ranger! I don't ever recall wanting to be anything PARTICULARLY or better said stereotypically female... Truthfully, having been somewhat of an androgynous child with an androgynous name, there were times when I was confused as a girl. These were NOT exuberant times. In fact, I was mortified whenever it happened. As soon as I could, I grew a beard to better define myself.

The only thing I can think of that might be any sort of hint to this most recent onslaught of gender confusion, which I am now exploring with a therapist thank god, is that at least as far back as puberty, not sure if it was further, though I suspect it may have been, I have had discomfort with male gender pronouns, titles, and the like. Bless it be that I have an understanding and open family whom I can begrudgingly discuss my troubles with (for discussing them makes them seem more real), I asked my parents if there was any behavior that could have perhaps indicated I felt as though I was a girl. Aside from the typical gender bending behavior that many gay males exhibit as children, the only thing my dad could say was, "there was this time (around 5 years old) when you had come back from visiting your grandpa and he taught you the word 'guy' where you would rather matterofactly state when I called you a boy, 'I'm not a boy! I'm a guy!' Aside from that, nothing."

So.... I'm confused lol.

Any words of wisdom, seeds of insight?

Thank you! <3

p.s. In my exploration, I would prefer if y'all used female gender pronouns to refer to me. I want to see how they feel. Thank you! <3

[Chandra]

Hi there,

If you felt mortified at the thought of being considered female and you have never felt that you wanted to be stereotypically female, what makes you question now that you may be a woman?

Some other questions to ask yourself: How do you feel about having a male body and parts? Do you ever wish you could have female parts? Does the idea of playing the sexual role of a woman come up in your fantasies or dreams?

Keep in mind also that "man" and "woman" aren't the only two options. You may be neither or both or somewhere in between.

[Zontar]

It's not always "male" or "female". Could it be that you're comfortable with your male body, but prefer to present yourself as feminine?

For me personally, I've always felt best presenting this way. That's why I put down my gender as "boi": it represents being still male but very feminine ("boy" spelled with an "i", etc). I don't want to be a woman explicitly; I'm perfectly fine just being a male who loves the feminine.

[thecat06]

I consider myself bigendered because I am a female but I like to wear men's clothes and I act like guy most of the time. I also have my times where I like to be more feminine as well. It comes and goes for me though, which sounds like what might be happening to you.

[LoRmAn5000]

Thank you so much for your replies thus far!

In answer to some questions...

I have never fantasized about playing the female role. Even now, glimpsing women I question, "Do I really want to look like her?" and I'm left without a distinctly clear idea that I do. I have never longed for a vagina or breasts. It is only now that when my mind is repetitiously asserting that I am female that I have ever tried to imagine myself with a female body.

I have always been ashamed of my body. When I was younger, I was ashamed it looked too feminine. I ached, and ached, and just couldn't understand why I didn't look like the other boys. I was attracted to boys, more feminine than boys... I just didn't fit in with them, and I wanted to so badly. So I tried. When I was around women, while I do not explicitly recall feeling like them, I was comfortable, relaxed, at ease. When I was around men, I felt forced, like I had to try. I've probably NEVER felt comfortable around men lol. I always felt different.

As I said before, I have always had one reason or another to dislike my body. It's too feminine, too skinny, too pale, too this, too that. But recently, since this episode started. I am in absolute hatred of it. Well, actually a better word would be ashamed. And the shame does seem to hover around my genitals, and my nipples lol. When my shirt brushes up against my nipples or I touch my penis I experience SO much emotional pain, so much hatred, so much shame I want to scream 'NO' at it! I have to cringe away from it. The pain almost feels physical... I can't decide if it's the organs themselves or their relation to sexuality which I have a long history of hating.

I tried on a dress the other day. Let me tell you, my long slender body was built for dresses lolololol. Right now I feel more comfortable in a dress than I do male clothing. In male clothing I feel naked and exposed. I think back over my life and realize that, during puberty I always felt I looked so feminine, I never thought boy clothes looked good on me. I could always see the femininity shining through, and I was ashamed of it...

Could it be that I am at last processing 11+ years of hating my body, hating myself, and trying to make myself into something I'm not? aka the stereotypical, heternormative, representation of a man? In a sense I feel like I failed at being a man. That I'm not a man. And my mind keeps spinning. It keeps spinning. I'm a woman, I'm a woman, I'm a woman....

[Hot Pink]

Originally Posted by Chandra

Hi there,

If you felt mortified at the thought of being considered female and you have never felt that you wanted to be stereotypically female, what makes you question now that you may be a woman?

Some other questions to ask yourself: How do you feel about having a male body and parts? Do you ever wish you could have female parts? Does the idea of playing the sexual role of a woman come up in your fantasies or dreams?

Keep in mind also that "man" and "woman" aren't the only two options. You may be neither or both or somewhere in between.

Allow me to dispel some myths that you've brought up here:

Originally Posted by Chandra

If you felt mortified at the thought of being considered female and you have never felt that you wanted to be stereotypically female, what makes you question now that you may be a woman?

The feeling of being uncomfortable with being female when you're biologically male doesn't always mean that you're not transgendered. It's kinda like how some deep-closeted homosexuals can be extremely homophobic. It might not be that he's afraid of being a woman, but of being outside of the gender norm. Trust me, this can be a truly terrifying thing for most transgendered individuals.

Originally Posted by Chandra

Some other questions to ask yourself: How do you feel about having a male body and parts? Do you ever wish you could have female parts? Does the idea of playing the sexual role of a woman come up in your fantasies or dreams?

Not all transgendered people are afraid of their cis body parts. It really is up to the individual on this one. I have a trans woman friend who is comfortable with having male parts down there and doesn't see the need for SRS.

Originally Posted by Chandra

Keep in mind also that "man" and "woman" aren't the only two options. You may be neither or both or somewhere in between.

This is really true, though. There are alternatives: gender queer and bi-gendered are always an option. Gender, like sexual orientation, is a spectrum.

[Chandra]

I did not clarify at the beginning of my post, as I usually do when addressing trans* issues, that I am in no way an expert on the matter. EC unfortunately currently does not have such an expert.

The questions that I brought up, although they may not apply to all trans* people, are ones that I have asked other members with similar issues, who found them quite helpful when trying to sort out their thoughts on their gender. So I don't think it's really fair to say that I was bringing up "myths". I was simply suggesting questions whose answers might shed some light for some, though not all, people who are struggling with questions about their gender. I do however appreciate your clarifications on these points.