Roommate Trouble on the Horizon

[FJ Cruiser]

Ok, so this is going to be kinda long and convoluted, so if you keep up with this, that's better than what I can do and kudos. Like most of my posts on this part of the site, it's just my venting, but I very much welcome comments.

Living here can be expensive, so unless you have no money problems whatsoever, you need to find roommates. That turned out well for this freshman year of college when I stumbled into a living situation with three people I knew from high school. I've gotten along well with all three guys, and I'm out to all of them now (as of yesterday actually). Two of them (L and R), however, are starting to get on mine and S's nerves, particularly S's. We like them fine as friends, but we really don't want to live with them next year.

S and I finally started to look for apartments this past week for next school year. The dorm living here is a little sketchy, and it's actually cheaper and much nicer to get an apartment. Here, space is in such demand that the majority of people start planning for their housing almost 10 months in advance, and we're somewhat late to the game. Well, we found that the best option is a four bedroom apartment, and S had me and two other guys that all agreed to live together. Perfect, right?

Wrong. I need to split my room so that I can afford it. Also, us suitemates had all talked about keeping us four together for the next year quite some time ago, and apparently L and R are still under that impression. Also, we're reaching the point where those that haven't found a place yet are getting desperate, and just looking at apartments online with someone else's presence in the room is an invitation to live with you next year.

I had wanted to keep it down low that I was looking for a place, but a couple days ago, L and R found out, and they thought I was doing it just for them. Being the tactless, let's-all-get-along person that I can be, I let them get more in on it until they start making plans that include me, them, and random friends of theirs that casually mentioned they were also looking. When I mention S and his plans, they start wanting to cut him out of the deal, saying that he's a tyrant, pitting me as their leader against S and his two friends. Even worse, L, who I like in many aspects, yet really don't like in many aspects, assumes that I'm wanting to split the bedroom with him, and yet again, not wanting to make any enemies, I stupidly go along with it. I couldn't avoid it because he now considers me his best friend basically, and he considers S his rival.

This sounds a lot more dramatic than it really is I think, but I need help on how to break it to L and R that I probably don't want to live with them next year without making them upset. I still have to live with them until May after all. Oh, and I still need to find someone to split a bedroom with.

I'm really not good with people, so if anything resembles drama, my brain goes on overload.

[Chandra]

A couple of things:

Living with people is hard, and even if you manage to drop L and R and find new roommates, in a household of 4-5 random people chances are there will be at least one person you don't get along with. So I guess when you say these two "get on your nerves", it's worth considering whether it's problematic enough that you really can't stand keeping them as roommates, or if it's just minor things that you can live with.

Regardless though, your major challenge here is communication. The ONLY way to have successful living arrangements with roommates is to communicate clearly. Going along with things, keeping quiet about what bothers you, not wanting to rock the boat - these are all recipes for a miserable roommate experience. You may think it's better not to say things to risk hurting people's feelings, but it's better to be upfront (in a polite and constructive way) rather than let things stew and become resentful, which usually ends in a way bigger explosion of angry feelings later down the road.

So your challenge is to find a way to communicate openly with L and R, about one of two things: 1) that you'd really prefer not to live with them next year; or 2) that there are things happening in the household that are bothering you, and you'd like to see these things changing if you are all to continue living together.

[FJ Cruiser]

Originally Posted by Chandra

A couple of things:

Living with people is hard, and even if you manage to drop L and R and find new roommates, in a household of 4-5 random people chances are there will be at least one person you don't get along with. So I guess when you say these two "get on your nerves", it's worth considering whether it's problematic enough that you really can't stand keeping them as roommates, or if it's just minor things that you can live with.

Regardless though, your major challenge here is communication. The ONLY way to have successful living arrangements with roommates is to communicate clearly. Going along with things, keeping quiet about what bothers you, not wanting to rock the boat - these are all recipes for a miserable roommate experience. You may think it's better not to say things to risk hurting people's feelings, but it's better to be upfront (in a polite and constructive way) rather than let things stew and become resentful, which usually ends in a way bigger explosion of angry feelings later down the road.

So your challenge is to find a way to communicate openly with L and R, about one of two things: 1) that you'd really prefer not to live with them next year; or 2) that there are things happening in the household that are bothering you, and you'd like to see these things changing if you are all to continue living together.

Well, I for sure want to get in with S, and I already know the two people he has in mind, and we all are much more compatible as far as living goes. I have no problem hanging out with L and R occasionally, but I know that we're not compatible enough as roommates for me to live with them another year. One is too disorganized and complain-y, and the other is too sedentary and up in my business (meaning he'd ALWAYS be in the room, leaving me no privacy and distraction-free time). Neither one is going to make for another successful year, for me and S at least.

I hate sounding so judgmental. I usually never have anything bad to say about people, but I need to be honest with the situation. I'm still trying to find my way around social situations like this.

[BudderMC]

I think there's one thing that needs to be thought about before anything else, only because I had to ponder the same question last year and this year with one of my housemates: Being your friends, would you continue to live with L and R if they could change the things that bother you?

Evidently that depends a lot on what exactly it is that bothers you, and how 'little' of a thing it is that can be changed. And of course, asking them to change means you also need to give a little, so it wouldn't be 100% better. Not to mention it opens invitation for them to claim things they dislike about your day-to-day life, which you might be inclined to put effort into making better.

That being said, my housemates and I had this talk (all 7 of us, forum-style) before we settled on anything before we signed any leases. Everyone agreed to certain things, we even agreed to take a 7th person though he's super-religious and homophobic and stuff, despite being a good friend (granted, nobody knew I was gay at the time). For the most part, these things didn't change a whole lot. Everyone seems to be more conscious of them, and are a bit more understanding (i.e. when I go downstairs to tell them to stop playing Mario Party at 4 in the morning because I have work at 8 :P). That 100% depends on the people you're living with though, so this obviously won't necessarily apply to your group.

Anyway, back to the main point. If you think there's any possibility you (and S, since you want to live with him) could live with L and R again, then consider it. It solves all of your 'who's living with who' problems, and you can avoid some drama. Though if you go this route, like Chandra said, you've gotta make sure you talk with everyone (and invite them to discuss as well) the problems everyone has with each other, having lived together for a year.

Now, if you are still set on not living with L and R, then you'll need to sit them down and talk it out. You could segue into it, by explaining you won't want to be living with them if S can't either, but that might open up grounds for conflict (or the proposal that all 4 of you live together at). Or if there's a price difference between what you want and they want, you can swing it as due to your financial situation. Or maybe even just an 'I want to live with less people so I can focus better this year' could work. Perhaps you could explain how S has invited you to live with him, and he has one room left, and it fits nicely with what you were looking for. Party house vs. no party house, etc. etc.

Typically, I'm not a fan of outright excuses, but if you can use a little bit of reasoning to help pad the blow a little bit, it likely won't hurt anyone more. But again, that's something you have to gauge for yourself, since you know them best.

Another thing: try and avoid making it sound like you're taking sides. If S and L/R are 'against each other' for whatever reasons, if you're choosing to live with S, it's because you're friends with all of them and his living style clicks better with yours. That's all there is to it.

The last thing I'd caution is that when you talk to them, whichever way you end up swinging it, make it clear this isn't an end of a friendship or anything. It might drift naturally, sure, but that's not the reason you're choosing to not live with them; it's just you don't like their living habits. You guys can still go hang out or whatever next year.

I quite possibly had more wall 'o text than you did, so sorry about that. But housemate drama was the extent of the end of my first year, and has been the topic of the last month or so (we're STILL trying to fill one room in our house), so I'm kinda well-versed in the topic.

Also, congrats on being out to your roommates. Must be nice, huh?

[FJ Cruiser]

So it's looking like the situation will work itself out. I talked to L earlier today, and I indicated that I was in with S and that there probably wouldn't be room for him. He was a little disappointed, but he realized that it's probably best that we don't room together because we'd be in the room too much together to the point where we get at each other's throats. We're friends, so we don't want to take that chance. He was very reluctant to move out of the dorm anyway, so he's fine.

Also, one of the people that S had in our group can't afford his own room, so he'll probably room with me (he's gay as well, so he wouldn't care about my orientation) and R will take his own room, which means his clutter is contained.

There are still things that need to pan out, but the advice has helped tremendously. Thanks. And Budder, it is nice to not feel the need to hide.