Confused Marine.

[djones2319]

I'm 19 years old and I'm in the US Marine Corps. My whole life I was raised to believe that homosexuality was not only wrong, but evil. My parents were die hard catholics and now I'm living in one of the most insensitive places on the planet. A US Marine base. Recently I've noticed recurring inclinations, for lack of a better word, towards other guys. I'll see a guy at the gym and think to myself whoa that guy is hot. Then my mind forces me to make it negative, for instance "I'm just pissed that guy has a better body than me." I can't watch guys kiss because my whole life i've been conditioned to look away and think it a sin. Now i'm so confused and I don't know what to think or what to feel. I don't know if this is a phase or if it's real or what. I'm scared.

[Kidd]

First off, there's nothing wrong with being gay, period. Anyone that says otherwise quite frankly doesn't know what they're talking about. Some boys fall in love with other boys and that's alright, and some girls fall in love with other girls and that's alright too. The fact that anyone could think that's wrong says more about them than it does you or me or homosexuality.

I think there's a pretty easy way to find out what's going on. Put your attraction to the test. Look at some gay porn and see how it makes you feel. If it turns you on, you're gay/bisexual, and it isn't a phase.

Have you ever been in a relationship or had sex with a girl before?

[Ianthe]

Hi, Welcome to Empty Closets!

It can be very difficult to be questioning--don't worry, it'll be okay. You'll figure things out, just give yourself permission to be who you are. Allow yourself to have whatever feelings you have.

It's hard to know from just what you've said--what's the earliest time you remember being interested in a guy? How do you feel about them, compared to how you feel about girls? It's interesting that you don't mention girls at all.

[djones2319]

Kidd: I firmly agree with you on that front. I have had sex with a girl before, and immediately upon finishing i was asking myself why i was there and i just wanted to run away and hide. I hated it. It meant nothing to me. As far as a relationship yeah i have, and i liked it, but it felt... forced...

Ianthe: I remember being interested in guys from high school, but I refused to accept that's what I was feeling. I just shoved them away and chased girls, but never found real happiness in it. I do like girls, i really do. But I feel like there could be more felt with guys... I don't know. It's like i'm trying to see through some sort of facade that was constructed around me from birth. It's terrifying.

[Tracker57]

I'm feeling for you. I was--and had been until just recently--in the same place that your are now. I am married to a woman that I've known since we were both 18. I dated girls because that's what you're supposed to do. But I've always had a craving for male companionship. A girl's body doesn't do much for me. But if a nice looking guy walks by, I can't keep my eyes off of him.

My sex life with my wife has never been great. I am a great part of it because I'm not really into her physically. Sex seems like work. And I know that it's my lack of interest that creates the problem. I fought against who I was/am. It was a constant struggle. When I stopped struggling, I never realized how much effort I was putting in to acting straight and hiding who I am inside.

It sounds like you and I are the same: we've been wired to like guys since birth. My psychologist said that it is very common for males born after multiple pregnancies. (I'm number 5.) A second born son is 90% more likely to be gay than the first born. I beat myself up for just having these thoughts--I felt guilty as though I had done something wrong or someone had done something wrong to me. Nope! It's just our natural wiring. I remember being fascinated with male bodies when I was 5 or 6 and it never went away.

And yes, it is very scary when we step out into an unknown area. I've been terrified of myself for too many years. Now that I've given up, I'm at peace. You can be, too.

You're also in a tough place right now. I know that officially DADT is dead, but in reality it is probably very much alive especially in a testosterone infused organization such as the USMC. Good luck. It will take you some time to sort things out. But living in denial and in conflict with who you are internally will eat you up from the inside out.

Tracker

[Gravity]

Welcome to the site, glad you found your way here.

I was in a similar situation a while ago. I was raised to believe that being gay was wrong and had a LOT of self-denial going on. But, to echo what Ianthe said:

Originally Posted by Ianthe

It can be very difficult to be questioning--don't worry, it'll be okay. You'll figure things out, just give yourself permission to be who you are. Allow yourself to have whatever feelings you have.

Giving yourself permission to be who you are and feel what you feel are very important things to do. Obviously, as you say, a Marine base isn't the most accepting place in the world, but try not to punish yourself for feeling the way you do, and (although I know this is easier to say than to do) try not to make your environment feel less welcoming than it has to. I know several gay men that met and dated other gay men while they were both in the military - Army, Navy, and yes, even the Marines, and all during DADT too. So try not to assume too much about how unwelcoming the base will be - chances are, you're carrying some of those expectations with you from home (something I also did a while ago).

Lots of luck to you, post as often as you need!

[EM68]

First of all welcome to EC and thank you for your service. Everyone has given you some great advice. From what you have said so far it sounds like its not a phase. You stated that you have noticed men's bodies at the gym and hated having sex with a woman.

It sounds like you need to fully come out and accept yourself. The hardest person to come out to is you. First of all give yourself permission to look at guys at the gym, admire them. Then if you want , look at gay porn see how it makes you feel. Eventually you will learn to accept yourself. Once you have, then you can start thinking of coming out to others and possible having a relationship with another man. The best advice I got when I first joined EC was that coming out is not a race. Take as long as you need.

You are young and in a position now that you can be out in the Marines when you are ready thanks to DADT ending. Take your time. If you need take small steps.

[insidehappy]

hi djones. these feelings are normal. im sure you have seen the movie the Matrix. Remember when Neo takes the pill and he "wakes up" and he realizes that the world he knew was a figment of the imagination of a computer program. Also, remember when the other guy wanted to go back into the matrix and escape from the reality of the real world. this is very similar. you see when you really think about it, we are all programmed since birth to believe that guys should only like girls and girls should only like guys. we are also programmed on what is and what isn't acceptable gender behavior. children are told not to "walk like that", not to "talk this way", "men don't do this", "women don't behave that way", etc. so our true selves are never really able to develop, to form, to explore, to test, and to ultimately be whoever we are born to be. so what happens is, you grow up actually conforming to the image and the viewpoint that OTHERS place on who and the viewpoint OTHERS want you to be. some people "wake up" out of this matrix but they are considered different, suspcious, radical in their thinking, going against the grain....however, its is that very same group of people that later have become humanities most shining stars, musicians, politicans, humanitarians.

my point is this, you seeing a guy and thinking "whoa he is hot" does not have to mean you're gay or straight or bi or whatever, it only means that you think this guy is hot and you are attracted to him. the "matrix" tells you immediately that this is a "bad" thought or that this means you have to assign a "label" to yourself. you do dont and it isn't a bad thought. and what is really happening when you notice guys like that is that your inner "Neo" is trying to break free from the matrix and is saying "hey i want to see who i really am".

i would encourage you NOT to try and label yourself or get stressed out about if you are gay or bi or straight. just allow yourself not to attach a negative thought to something like being attracted to someone or finding someone attractive. that is the first lesson that you will have to practice becuase you are essentially retraining your mind. this will help you start to feel good about yourself and not bad. you may find out in time that you tend to have more attractions to men than women or that you have equal attractions or that you rarely have attractions to men at all. the point is just allow yourself to "awake" to whatever true self you are and do not associate whoever that is with something negative.

what i truly believe is that other guys like you have these sorts of "feelings" or attractions but you know what they do......they essentially tell their brains...."take me back into the matrix ASAP!!!!" and tehy do not address or deal with it. they simply ignore this as a "syntax error" or their mental computer freezing for a second. they reboot the program and go back to "normal life" or they allow their "mental antivirus software to clean what they think is a virus" and they are back to being "normal". however, your attraction is not an "error" its not wrong and the great lie that many people do not admit to is that whether you are gay or straight or bi, many people have attractions to the same sex. they lie because again, it doesn't go along with the "programming".

i hope this was helpful in some small way

[Jim1454]

Hi there and welcome to EC.

I think you're probably on to something, and it's great that you've reached out for some support and help. I too remember thinking that I liked looking at the guys in porn because I admired their bodies, and wished I looked like that. I do - but it's way more than that. It took me until I was in my mid 30s to finally accept that I was gay - and I had been married for 9 years and had 2 kids by then. And I didn't grow up in an environment that was particularly hostile towards gays, although I'm 21 years older than you are - so it was a different era.

As others have said, you need to let go of the message you've received growing up. There's nothing inherently wrong with being gay. Anyone who still thinks there is hasn't actually ever met a gay person before - or didn't know that they had.

You've tried being with girls, and it didn't work for you. You see guys at the gym and think they're hot. Those signs are pretty good ones.

Here's what another advisor will often suggest. Spend the next couple of weeks assuming that you are gay. Let yourself admire the guys at the gym without feeling guilty or dirty or sinful. Don't worry about not finding the ladies attractive. Pretend that you've acknowledged and accepted that you're gay, and see how that feels.

If that doesn't feel right for you either, then you have something else going on. But if it does, then you might have answered your question.

It isn't the end of the world - either way. You'll get by, as thousands of us have before you. It might be tough for a while, as I'm not sure that the Marines are the most accepting and open group to be a part of. But you won't be in the Marines forever either. I'm happily married to a great guy and we live in the northern suburbs of Toronto, Ontario. It's pretty awesome to be gay if you ask me.

[jimL]

Everything that you were taught about homosexuality is wrong. Open the window and throw it all out and then close the window. Never allow it to come back in! Then go open the closet door.....very slowly and look inside. Who do you see? You may need time to see what's inside because you have been swimming inside this fog for many years. Just give it time. I'm glad you are here at EC. It's a good place to get help.

Two people loving one another is a beautiful thing, no matter what orientation they are. Learn to love who you are. Just be patient, it will take some time.

[AshleyMarie]

Originally Posted by EM68

The hardest person to come out to is you.

I love that quote because it sums it up entirely. I am very new to this as well and really have no advice for you. I just wanted to say I support you and if you ever need a virtual hand to hold I am here for you. Don't give up on yourself because I am sure you are an amazing person and it wouldn't be fair to keep any part of yourself hidden away.

[Roland85]

I am sorry you are in this place in your life. Your first post plus the stuff about the sex with a girl suggests that you are probably gay.

Unlike other posters here, I'd suggest you do not explore your sexuality with another boy just yet. First try to confront your internalized homophobia - the way you were conditioned, as you put it. I can see you are already aware of the conditioning itself, and that is a huge step in embracing who you are. My advice is for you to go online - read the forums, the blogs, the tumblr pages dedicated to homosexuality. Learn more about the culture, about who we are, where we are and how we're seen in different cultures. And when you are ready to think of yourself as a homosexual without considering it something shameful and wrong, find a person you trust and come out to them. Build a support base and embrace who you are.

THEN you can have the sex part with no fear or shame


Also, I had to struggle a lot with coming out, and I would love to talk about anything, so if you need someone to discuss stuff with, feel free to PM me.