Just Not Ready

[WillowMaiden]

Lately I've been having some mixed feelings. I'm afraid of going out with this girl named Nicole, that I met two weeks ago. She asked me if I liked her, asked me on a date, even gave me this little "I think it's awesome that we can have a real relationship" speech. I told her I did like her, just not romantically reason being we've only know each other for less than two weeks. I told her I wanted to know her longer than that before deciding to be with her, which isn't a bad reason to not jump into a relationship with someone. But the decision is nagging me because I feel like part of the real reason why I said no, for now is because I don't want people to find out about me. I'm afraid to really be out here. That's freaking me out because I thought I was passed all that. But then again I have yet to really experience any discrimination and I know it's a possibility here, so I also feel like a piece of shit for chickening out.

So, I've got this "underlying fear of truly being with someone/out period in a place where it's gonna come out eventually" thing going on. That just brings me back to the "maybe I just don't want to be gay at all sometimes, life could be so much less of a hassle" feeling. I don't know, maybe I'm just thinking too much. The guy who is the head of the Sign Language Department is gay and he's available to talk, but I don't even know if I'm ready to talk to him about that. I could go to the school counseling place, but I don't know who's safe to talk to and who isn't. I go to a Catholic University (I know, you're thinking, "why" right? Because of it's highly recommended sign language program, I'm studying to be an interpreter.) Anyway, these Catholic people take this stuff really seriously. One out lesbian got "Dyke" written on her door by Campus Ministry, a club for crazy Catholics. She's tough from what I can tell and she seems fine, but I don't know how I would take something like that. I would honestly most likely have a little break down. Blame it on my sensitivity.

So yeah...just shit.

Concerning the girl, should I be honest and tell her part of the reason has nothing to do with her? She said she was cool with getting to know me a little more too before jumping into anything with me too, so that's good. I just don't want to scare her off. She's older and she's only had one previous relationship with someone when she was in high school and they were both closeted. From what she told me it just wasn't good. So I don't want to explain this to her and have her think "uh oh, closet case person, better run away," especially if I do actually start to like her.

Jeez! So much crap. Why is being gay so damn difficult? There's too much shit, too much protocol and thoughts to consider before doing anything. Jeez...

[sanguine]

well i know what i would do in this situation but maybe you can talk to her about whats going on? who knows maybe you can create a bond with her helping you getting over this fear? i mean she has to understand right?

[Gravity]

A few things:

1) If you're not ready to go out with her - for whatever reason, including being in the closet, which has nothing to do with her - then it's ok to say no, too, whether you want to tell her why or not. If you don't feel comfortable explaining the closet thing to her right now, but want to keep spending time with her, that doesn't sound too bad to me either - it might be something you have to explain eventually, but you don't need to explore every single thing the second you meet someone. And who knows? Your feelings could change in a while. If you think it's unlikely to change though, then you might want to be up front with her.

2) Never having experienced any discrimination might have a lot to do with why you're frightened of it. It still exists in a "what-if" kind of zone for you, so it's hard to deal with because you don't know exactly what it will be like? I don't know what to offer here, it's not like I think it would be a great idea to go get discriminated against so you can rack up some experience, just an observation. Just try not to make it sound worse than it needs to be, I guess. It happens, sure, but it can be kind of empowering - it gives you a chance to stand up to those people or not let them get to you, and let me tell you, that feels great.

3) As for the catholic university thing - different catholic schools can have very different attitudes, from being very openly accepting to very openly discouraging. If you know someone who's gay already, that's at least a positive sign, even if you don't feel comfortable talking to him. Most counseling centers will be set up to be friendly to lgbt students, and you can even specify when you go in that you're interested in talking to someone who works with lgbt students as a specialty. Only in the most rigid of places will they not have someone, or only have someone who counsels you to deny your feelings or something. And if that happens, just walk out. Nobody will be holding you there.

Does the university have any kind of lgbt student organization? Any Safe Zone program for lgbt-friendly staff and faculty? Is sexual orientation mentioned in the non-discrimination policy? How about any classes that deal with lgbt issues? These can all be good ways of gaugeing your university's "friendliness level."

Good luck! I hope you can sort through some of this. Keep posting if you like.

[WillowMaiden]

My school has safe zones, but nothing official because the Nuns and Priests won't allow it. The sign language department is the unofficial GSA and I've been told that there are places I can go, but I don't specifically know where. I haven't read the discrimination policy, but seeing as they fired one of the sign teachers who were going to teach the signs for sexual orientations and other non Catholic things and the girl I mentioned who got "Dyke" written on her door got in trouble for wanting to show a documentary about a transgendered girl who was the victim of a hate crime, I doubt LGBT people are mentioned in their little policy. Being gay here is like a secret society. The head of the sign department is gay and he's trying to hard to get a GSA started, but so far no go.