Post DADT military couples

Okay, so about 7 months ago I met the absolute love of my life and on our 5 month anniversary he left for basic training to become a combat medic for the army. Now his training is significantly longer than many other new soldiers and his mom was telling me that he might get off base housing and has some dependent housing opportunities once he starts his AIT (combat medic training). And we both decided that if given the opportunity we were going to move in together. I truly do love this man and he is my best friend and I honestly could see myself spending the rest of my life with him, which is still a long way but a couple things have came up. First, I have absolutely no military background and while I am very close with his family (currently living with them while he is gone lol), I don't really understand a lot of the basic military rules about housing and what living with someone in the armed services is actually like. I know that they may be required to move at a moments notice which is something I am comfortable with. And I know that the recent repeal of DADT has made it so my boyfriend can openly serve as a gay man if he so chooses. But one of the big things I was concerned about is how would the army see me? Is there any sort of rights out there to the loved ones of gay military people? Like if he were to get transfered to an army hospital in washington D.C or Germany, would I have to pay to move myself if I wanted to go with him, or worse would I be forced to stay behind? Or, God forbid, he gets deployed and something happens to him, where would that leave me? I know this might seem like things that seem like I am worrying about them earlier than I should because we are pretty early in our relationship and all, but idk i just feel like these are things that I should at least be prepared to have to deal with. Basically I am wondering what kind of rights gay couples have in the army? And if there isn't anything, how important does it seem to lawmakers that something actually changes, because I really haven't heard anything about this. And most importantly, what can I do to try and make this a real issue?

[Kidd]

I'm really, really sorry but I don't think there are any rights for you because of DOMA.

I vaguely remember a push to give people in your situation limited rights in the states where gay marriage is recognized but I don't know what happened to it. I think it was shelved but I'm just guessing. Don't take my word for it. Actually, if you were married to your boyfriend you would be in a very good position for a lawsuit, something on the level of Windsor v United States, honestly. If you ever do marry your boyfriend you should seriously consider going to Lambda Legal or the ACLU. They are probably dying for a case just like this.

I'm pretty sure he can list you as his contact information in case of an emergency, and I think he can leave his veteran benefits to you but that's probably it. I don't think you can qualify for a living stipend, and if you decide to move it would probably have to come out of your own pocket.

Outserve is probably a better resource for this than EC.

OutServe | The Association of Actively Serving LGBT Military Personnel

[kirbycat]

Thanks to the (unconstitutional) Defense of Marriage Act, the rights of same-sex spouses are very limited. The Servicemembers Legal Defense Network has a Guide to LGBT Military Service; I haven't read through all of it, but it looks pretty thorough, and it includes a rundown on all family benefits and how they relate to same-sex couples.

Of course, whatever benefits do exist for same-sex couples only include those who were married in a state where gay marriage is legal. If you're not married or in a legally recognized civil union, I'm afraid you're out of luck.

I don't have any military experience myself, so I may be mistaken here; but as far as I'm aware, right now you're in the same situation as any straight boyfriend or girlfriend of a service member. He should be able to list you as a person to be notified if anything happens to him, but anything you want to do as far as moving closer to where he's assigned (or living together, if that's even a viable option), will have to come entirely out of your own pocket.

Also, the fact that you guys have the full support of his family is wonderful. However your situation ends up playing out, his family's willingness to welcome you as a part of their son's life will definitely make things easier, at least on a personal level.

Originally Posted by kirbycat

Thanks to the (unconstitutional) Defense of Marriage Act, the rights of same-sex spouses are very limited. The Servicemembers Legal Defense Network has a Guide to LGBT Military Service; I haven't read through all of it, but it looks pretty thorough, and it includes a rundown on all family benefits and how they relate to same-sex couples.

Of course, whatever benefits do exist for same-sex couples only include those who were married in a state where gay marriage is legal. If you're not married or in a legally recognized civil union, I'm afraid you're out of luck.

I don't have any military experience myself, so I may be mistaken here; but as far as I'm aware, right now you're in the same situation as any straight boyfriend or girlfriend of a service member. He should be able to list you as a person to be notified if anything happens to him, but anything you want to do as far as moving closer to where he's assigned (or living together, if that's even a viable option), will have to come entirely out of your own pocket.

Also, the fact that you guys have the full support of his family is wonderful. However your situation ends up playing out, his family's willingness to welcome you as a part of their son's life will definitely make things easier, at least on a personal level.

Well yeah I understand that we of course wouldn't have any rights while we are dating but these were all kind of "some day" thoughts lol. Also, I have been thinking about actually joining the army myself once I finish my degree, the only thing is that if we are married or whatever someday, would we be stationed at different bases? I know they try to not split up couples, but does that qualify for LGBT soldiers?