Came Out; Now I Feel Awkward

[secretgirlX]

So i came out to my one friend almost two months ago. She now knows that I'm over the girl i had liked then. I mean, her and my other friend at lunch (who also knows) have only brought anything about it up once or twice. I think they expect me to bring it up, and since I don't they think I feel awkward about it. I don't feel awkward about it, and don't mind talking about it, but would rather them bring it up, not me. They bring up guys they like and/or have liked all the time, pretty much daily, and i never really do. And they continue to mention this guy who I used to like, who I've told them a million times I don't anymore, but they continue to. I want them to know I don't feel awkward talking about it, but I don't want to be the first to mention all the time. (meaning girls i like/have liked)

[djstcktn326]

Well hi there secretgirlX and welcome to Empty Closets.

After reading your post, I can really see that you're in a tough situation. I will say this: if you don't feel comfortable talking about it, you don't have to. Your friends should know who you are because you yourself told them and they should support you.

That's all I have for right now. Again welcome to Empty Closets. You'll love it here.

[Noir]

I understand what you mean--it's the same way with my friends, too. If they shouldn't feel awkward being asked about guys they like, then it should be okay for them to ask you about girls you like.

[secretgirlX]

Thank you. It's just that i do want to talk about it, one of the reasons i told them besides that i needed to for myself was that i could openly talk about it. And i already am enjoying it here, thanks.

[silverhalo]

Perhaps they dont bring it up because they arent sure whether or not you are comfortable talking about it, perhaps if you brought the subject up a few times they would them join in and bring it up in future. Also perhaps you should talk to them and tell them that you dont mind talking about your female crushes with them.

[Tiny Catastrophe]

First, welcome to EC. You're from the same area I'm from lol. And I guess the longer you're out and the more comfortable you get with it, the easier it will be. With me it's a bit easier I guess because most of my friends are guys so talking about girls with them is easy because they like girls. And the few friends I have who are girls are bi or gay (with the exception of 1 or 2) so that makes it easier as well. Maybe you should bring the subject up first once and see how they respond.

[secretgirlX]

I guess I'll have to bring it up sometime. It's just that although they said they're cool with it and everything, I don't know if they just said that for my sake because it was hard for me to say or not. But i'll try to give it a try tomorrow.

[Ianthe]

Do you know any other gay or bisexual girls? Sometimes, it can be nicer to talk about those things with someone who feels similarly to you. Straight people sort of take it for granted. It's a lot easier to confess your feelings when you have the sense that other people will agree with you.

In the meantime, you could tell your friends that you want them to ask you. They can't read your mind, so if you don't tell them, they won't know.

[scooby]

OK, old fogey here, feel free to take this advice or not.

From what I remember of teen girls (and being one), they are pretty self-involved. It's tough being in "transition mode" all the time - that's what happens naturally in adolescence - so it's kind of easy to get lost in "me" mode all the time. The most common way for teens to socialize is to form groups of similars - similar lifestyles, similar tastes, similar lifetime experiences - and stick to those groups, talking only about things that they know they have in common. When you're learning who you are and what that means, it's best to have mirror images of yourself nearby so that you can compare and assure yourself you're normal.

Now, part of you is "new" to them, and teen girls don't like "new". They like "familiar" and "similar to me". They may say they're OK with it - and they probably believe that they are - but you have presented a dilemma to their normal order of things.

Especially because you classified yourself as "bi", they may think "OK well I don't subscribe to the whole Liking Girls thing myself, but I DO know quite a bit about liking boys and so does she (still), so we'll focus on that." It's easier.

They may not truly know what the problem is, even if you bring it up. There's a reason why teens have "besties" that are their same age and socioeconomic status - as opposed to, say, adulthood - I'm in my 30s and my three best friends are 43, 56, and 24.

I'll use myself as an example. I went to a prestigious private school surrounded by wealthy kids like myself. Back then, in our sheltered little community, divorce was very rare and women working (for, you know, money) even more so. I was quite popular and had dozens of "best friends". We had everything in common, and all took gymnastics, ballet, tap, choir, and language classes together... Until my parents got a divorce and my mother started working full-time.

They had no idea how to deal with me.

It wasn't their fault. They assured me they were "there for me". But slowly and surely they became less fun to hang out with. They didn't change; I did. I could talk to them about how having a new stepmom sucked but they didn't *really* understand. I gravitated toward new friends whose parents had gone through divorce. They were awesome.

I agree with the above poster. You need to find some new friends. Doesn't mean you have to abandon the old crew, but you need to find people more like yourself to talk to.

[secretgirlX]

Y'all are probably right, they would rather just talk about something they are used to (guys) and forget about me liking girls. I don't know any other gay/bisexual girls though. I wish I did. And the problem is, besides two guys, and they weren't huge crushes, i haven't liked guys in a really long time. And I've liked five girls in the past year and a half or so. So i don't really have much to say about guys any more.

---------- Post added 1st Feb 2012 at 05:54 PM ----------

And one of the few times it was ever mentioned, and i mentioned it this time, kind of. We were talking and they were asking how the guy i liked (formerly, not anymore, which they knew) was, and i said oh, fine i guess, i don't know. Then i said, again, you know i don't like him anymore. And then my one friend said, in a pissed off voice, well how is ______. She apologized because she said it really loudly and it was at lunch, but i don't get why she had the attitude.

[silverhalo]

Just keep bringing it up, im sure they will get used to it.

[colorful]

If you are good enough friends that you are comfortable enough to be out to them just talk to them about it. I have a friend who I personally know is a lesbian, but is not out to everyone and she will sometimes join in the conversation and make comments about guys too. Since you are out to them just join in, don't just not bring it up (also they may get the wrong idea and this you like them...). They shouldn't be offended that you are talking about the girls you like. I mean you aren't offended when they talk about the guys they like, are you?

[secretgirlX]

I guess I really should just mention it, i think they expect me to. I don't specifically like anyone right now, but I think if I tell them the other girls I've liked before they'll know that this is actually who I am. I hope they don't think I like them, I don't. No, i'm not offended, I guess they shouldn't be either. It's just not usual conversation for them.

[Ianthe]

Your friends like to talk about boys, because they like boys, and that's exciting for them. They don't bring up girls, because that topic is boring to them. Feel free to bring up girls you like, but they will be even more bored than you are when they talk about boys.

Do you know if there is any kind of gay youth organization in your area?

[silverhalo]

If you dont specifically like anyone in real life at the moment perhaps you can bring up celebrity crushes or something just so you can be involved in the conversation. LGBT group in the area is a good idea too though.