My Mom - Empty Closets - A safe online community for gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgendered people coming out

Hot Pink · 1st Feb 2012, 06:08 AM

My mom and I have had a complicated relationship for the last nine months. In April, I came out to her has both transgendered and a lesbian. For her, these two things don't work together. I've tried talking to her about it, but she seems to be under the impression that all lesbians want to be men, so it doesn't make sense to her how I could be both at the same time. I tried telling her that lesbians don't want to be men, but she doesn't believe me.

She accepts my trans identity more and just thinks I'm confused about my sexuality. She thinks it's perhaps that I was raised male that I like women, but after I become one myself then I'll start becoming interested in the opposite sex.

At the beginning, she took me less seriously, though. Just because I was a lesbian, she doubted that I actually wanted to be a woman. She can't comprehend why I would want to transition to become a woman while being attracted to women. In a way, it isn't logical. If I fully transition legally, I can't get married and I can't get another woman pregnant. Thing is, though, the thought of being with a woman in marriage or in bed as a male sickens me.

I just don't know what I can do or say to convince her that I can be both. I don't even understand why this is an issue for her. She refuses to acknowledge me as a daughter while I still like women and continues to refer to me as a son.

Hidinginalabama · 1st Feb 2012, 07:13 AM

I hate to say it but it happens. Just keep giving her time. It's never easy for ether of you.

**Eleanor Rigby** · 1st Feb 2012, 08:13 AM

Hi there

,

I am sorry things are tough with your mom at the moment. Many people seems to confuse gender identity with sexual orientation and I think that it is what's happening to your mom.
I think the main thing would be to give her some time to process the idea that :
- you're transgender and wants to live as a woman
- you still feels attracted to other women and identify as a lesbian
I know 9 months can seem to be a long time for you, but lets think of it : your mom had a straight son for 25 years, 9 months is a rather short time to mourn that and accept that you're having a lesbian daughter instead.
I think that maybe you shouldn't try so hard to convince your mother that you're a lesbian. Maybe you can let this aspect of your life aside in your discussions with her and focus on your transition instead. Dealing with the gay aspect of the question can wait until you have met a woman that is important for you and is making you happy.
It is likely that, when you'll live as a woman and you'll be happily dating a woman, the idea of you being a lesbian will feel less strange and easier to accept to your mom.
Just take one step at a time

Here is a link to a Pflag booklet that you may want to give to your mom, maybe that will help answering some questions she has : http://community.pflag.org/Document.Doc?id=202
You can also give her a link to this youtube channel : grishno's Channel - YouTube
This a girl called Erin's channel. She happens to be both gay and lesbian. There is over 6 years of videos about her transition. I don't know if it can help your mother, but this channel contributed a lot to educate myself about gender identity and transgenderism.

Take care

Cécile

silverhalo · 1st Feb 2012, 08:14 AM

Have you tried giving her any literature on the subject, so that its not just you saying it but she can read about other people who have been through it, or seeing if there are any LGBT or PFLAG groups in your area, perhaps she will be willing to go to a meeting with you. I know its tough but I do believe she will come around in time, its obviously confusing for her, as im sure it was for you whilst you were coming to terms with it, in the meantime everyone here at EC is always here for you.

**TheEdend** · 1st Feb 2012, 08:31 AM

For many people, including people in the gay community, its very hard to understand that sexual orientation and gender identity are completely separate so it can be really hard for a parent to grasp all the changes and the new information all at once. I will agree with Cecile in that you could try to tackle one problem at a time. It does suck and it sucks that you have to avoid it, but it might be the best solution for right now. Later on, once she seems to be okay with your gender identity, you can start tackling your sexual orientation with her.

You don't have to hide that you like women, but when she has a problem with it you can just agree with her or see, "well, see mom" and leave it at that. In other words, you pretty much have to treat her like a 5 year old who is getting brand new information about their world. You can't overwhelm them too much, but you also want them to keep working towards understanding new things.

Have you tried getting her to go to a PFLAG meeting or to see a therapist to help her out?

Hot Pink · 1st Feb 2012, 08:38 AM

Thank you for your responses. I have been ignoring it for about five months now and just focusing on my transition. Things are okay between us, so long as she can pretend that nothing's changed. Oh, I have boobs and look like a girl now, but I'm still just her son in her eyes. It only started to really begin hurting recently.

As for PFLAG, I have brought it up a few times, but she isn't interested. I have asked her to come with me to some of my therapy sessions, but she refuses to go. I just feel like I'm at a loss and I've tried all I can with her. Maybe you're all right and I should give up on trying to convince her and just live my life and let her live in her fantasy world.

**TheEdend** · 1st Feb 2012, 01:06 PM

Quote:

Maybe you're all right and I should give up on trying to convince her and just live my life and let her live in her fantasy world.

As hard as it can be, that is sometimes the only solution for some situations. You have invited her to be a participant in your life and be there with you, but she hasn't been able to accept the whole thing. Love her, keep your door open to her, but its time to move on.

Its not the end, though. Many parents take years to come around so don't give up on her entirely. Its evident that she loves you or else she wouldn't care so much. She might just need time

Peregrine · 1st Feb 2012, 10:02 PM

Let her know that she can accept who you are or not, but that you need to move on with your life and what's right for you. And that you hope she'll come to understand and accept it in time, and you'll be there to talk when she is. Hopefully over time, she'll realize this is for real.

Easier said that done, I know; I couldn't imagine being in this position (though I have some confusion myself, at least in terms of sexual identity). But it seems like you need to focus on you and wait and hope she catches up. Good luck, hope everything is going well with your transition.

silverhalo · 2nd Feb 2012, 04:30 AM

As the others have said, make sure she is aware that this is who you are and this is how you are going to live, but that she is welcome to share your life with you anytime she is ready to accept that, the offer will always be open.

1st Feb 2012, 06:08 AM	#1
Hot Pink EC Addict Full Member Gender: Transsexual: MtF Orientation: Panromantic Lesbian Out Status: Out to everyone Location: Minnesota, USA Age: 27 Posts: 622 Join Date: Apr 2011	My Mom My mom and I have had a complicated relationship for the last nine months. In April, I came out to her has both transgendered and a lesbian. For her, these two things don't work together. I've tried talking to her about it, but she seems to be under the impression that all lesbians want to be men, so it doesn't make sense to her how I could be both at the same time. I tried telling her that lesbians don't want to be men, but she doesn't believe me. She accepts my trans identity more and just thinks I'm confused about my sexuality. She thinks it's perhaps that I was raised male that I like women, but after I become one myself then I'll start becoming interested in the opposite sex. At the beginning, she took me less seriously, though. Just because I was a lesbian, she doubted that I actually wanted to be a woman. She can't comprehend why I would want to transition to become a woman while being attracted to women. In a way, it isn't logical. If I fully transition legally, I can't get married and I can't get another woman pregnant. Thing is, though, the thought of being with a woman in marriage or in bed as a male sickens me. I just don't know what I can do or say to convince her that I can be both. I don't even understand why this is an issue for her. She refuses to acknowledge me as a daughter while I still like women and continues to refer to me as a son. __________________ Pffffffft...

1st Feb 2012, 07:13 AM	#2
Hidinginalabama EC Addict Full Member Gender: Male Orientation: Say no to the boobs. Say hell yes to men. Out Status: Almost every one other than work Location: alabama Age: 22 Posts: 954 Join Date: Sep 2011	Re: My Mom I hate to say it but it happens. Just keep giving her time. It's never easy for ether of you. __________________ "If men could only know each other, they would neither idolise nor hate." - Elbert Hubbard.

1st Feb 2012, 08:13 AM	#3
Eleanor Rigby Filip's sidekick EC Advisor Gender: Female Orientation: Straight Out Status: Out as straight ally Location: France Age: 32 Posts: 5,401 Join Date: Feb 2009	Re: My Mom Hi there , I am sorry things are tough with your mom at the moment. Many people seems to confuse gender identity with sexual orientation and I think that it is what's happening to your mom. I think the main thing would be to give her some time to process the idea that : - you're transgender and wants to live as a woman - you still feels attracted to other women and identify as a lesbian I know 9 months can seem to be a long time for you, but lets think of it : your mom had a straight son for 25 years, 9 months is a rather short time to mourn that and accept that you're having a lesbian daughter instead. I think that maybe you shouldn't try so hard to convince your mother that you're a lesbian. Maybe you can let this aspect of your life aside in your discussions with her and focus on your transition instead. Dealing with the gay aspect of the question can wait until you have met a woman that is important for you and is making you happy. It is likely that, when you'll live as a woman and you'll be happily dating a woman, the idea of you being a lesbian will feel less strange and easier to accept to your mom. Just take one step at a time Here is a link to a Pflag booklet that you may want to give to your mom, maybe that will help answering some questions she has : http://community.pflag.org/Document.Doc?id=202 You can also give her a link to this youtube channel : grishno's Channel - YouTube This a girl called Erin's channel. She happens to be both gay and lesbian. There is over 6 years of videos about her transition. I don't know if it can help your mother, but this channel contributed a lot to educate myself about gender identity and transgenderism. Take care Cécile __________________ "Act in such a way that you treat humanity, whether in your own person or in the person of another, always at the same time as an end and never simply as a means." Immanuel Kant

1st Feb 2012, 08:14 AM	#4
silverhalo EC Addict Full Member Gender: Female Orientation: Lesbian Out Status: Quite a few Location: England, Age: 29 Posts: 3,166 Join Date: Dec 2008	Re: My Mom Have you tried giving her any literature on the subject, so that its not just you saying it but she can read about other people who have been through it, or seeing if there are any LGBT or PFLAG groups in your area, perhaps she will be willing to go to a meeting with you. I know its tough but I do believe she will come around in time, its obviously confusing for her, as im sure it was for you whilst you were coming to terms with it, in the meantime everyone here at EC is always here for you.

1st Feb 2012, 08:31 AM	#5
TheEdend Hope will never be silent EC Moderator Gender: Male Orientation: Gay Out Status: Extended family still doesn't know Location: Orlando, Florida Age: 21 Posts: 2,831 Join Date: Mar 2010	Re: My Mom For many people, including people in the gay community, its very hard to understand that sexual orientation and gender identity are completely separate so it can be really hard for a parent to grasp all the changes and the new information all at once. I will agree with Cecile in that you could try to tackle one problem at a time. It does suck and it sucks that you have to avoid it, but it might be the best solution for right now. Later on, once she seems to be okay with your gender identity, you can start tackling your sexual orientation with her. You don't have to hide that you like women, but when she has a problem with it you can just agree with her or see, "well, see mom" and leave it at that. In other words, you pretty much have to treat her like a 5 year old who is getting brand new information about their world. You can't overwhelm them too much, but you also want them to keep working towards understanding new things. Have you tried getting her to go to a PFLAG meeting or to see a therapist to help her out? __________________ “You may never know what results come of your action, but if you do nothing there will be no result” -Gandhi

1st Feb 2012, 08:38 AM	#6
Hot Pink EC Addict Full Member Gender: Transsexual: MtF Orientation: Panromantic Lesbian Out Status: Out to everyone Location: Minnesota, USA Age: 27 Posts: 622 Join Date: Apr 2011	Re: My Mom Thank you for your responses. I have been ignoring it for about five months now and just focusing on my transition. Things are okay between us, so long as she can pretend that nothing's changed. Oh, I have boobs and look like a girl now, but I'm still just her son in her eyes. It only started to really begin hurting recently. As for PFLAG, I have brought it up a few times, but she isn't interested. I have asked her to come with me to some of my therapy sessions, but she refuses to go. I just feel like I'm at a loss and I've tried all I can with her. Maybe you're all right and I should give up on trying to convince her and just live my life and let her live in her fantasy world. __________________ Pffffffft...

1st Feb 2012, 10:02 PM	#8
Peregrine Member Regular Member Gender: Male, but fluid Orientation: Non-Euclidean Out Status: Just to therapist, about confusion Age: 27 Posts: 29 Join Date: Jan 2012	Re: My Mom Let her know that she can accept who you are or not, but that you need to move on with your life and what's right for you. And that you hope she'll come to understand and accept it in time, and you'll be there to talk when she is. Hopefully over time, she'll realize this is for real. Easier said that done, I know; I couldn't imagine being in this position (though I have some confusion myself, at least in terms of sexual identity). But it seems like you need to focus on you and wait and hope she catches up. Good luck, hope everything is going well with your transition.

2nd Feb 2012, 04:30 AM	#9
silverhalo EC Addict Full Member Gender: Female Orientation: Lesbian Out Status: Quite a few Location: England, Age: 29 Posts: 3,166 Join Date: Dec 2008	Re: My Mom As the others have said, make sure she is aware that this is who you are and this is how you are going to live, but that she is welcome to share your life with you anytime she is ready to accept that, the offer will always be open.