Question of the day

[toremi]

I have a quick question for all you lovers out there.

So quick background in case you are not familiar with me; I am bisexual and closeted.

Recently I signed up with a "dating" site with the intentions of meeting some people, kind of like networking to get to know other bisexual/gay men since I don't have a whole lot in the LGBT community (and oddly enough the ones I do have I am still closeted to).

So I've met some nice people, having platonic chats and ideas of meeting up and it's really great for me to experience the community, I guess, without having to make some sort of declaration.

In this I have unintentionally met someone who I kind of fancy.

Now, this is all good and such. I was up front about everything, ie; I am bisexual (he is gay), I am still closeted, I am still working things out and will not be out anytime soon, etc.

I am just upfront in general and I was very certain to be in this situation. Anyway he definitely wants to meet up and he definitely has interest in me as well... I think... so far anyway. My issue lies in this. If we meet up and it goes well I am guessing that is sort of considered a date? And if we continue to do this it would be dating?

No before I put myself in that situation... I have a question for all of you out there who are out living in the open.

He says he is fine with my "closetedness" but is that really fair to him.

I mean suppose we were to hang out and enjoy each others company... and did it frequently... it's not really fair to him as a guy who is not still in the closet correct? Maybe I should try to back peddle this situation before someone gets hurt? I mean I would be open for a downlow dating situation until I figure things out in my life and see whether the relationship was legit enough to come out for (in all honesty I have no intention of coming out to specific ppl, IE parents, fam, some friends, unless happen to be in a meaningful relationship with a guy)

Thoughts on this one? Preferably before the weekend

Thanks ECers

[phospholipase]

So, I think it's a good idea to meet and perhaps start dating. However, if things begin to move quickly, and he wants the relationship to advance, you being closeted may get in the way of the relationship. No matter how much someone loves you, I would agree that it wouldn't be quite fair to hide the relationship.

It's arguable to say that someone who loves you will love you even if you're closeted. Conversely, some people may say that if you love someone else, you'll leave the closet for them. It all happens to depend on who feels more strongly.

If he feels like dating a closeted person gets in the way of the relationship, he may dump you. If he can't respect that you'd prefer to be in the closet, then it's possible that you'll feel that he's moving too quickly, and you could dump him.

Again, it'll depend on who feels more strongly about the situation, and who brings it up first. I say go meet him, but be prepared to come out of the closet if you want to keep dating him in the long run.

[cscipio]

I assume that he is not closeted? If he isn't, I agree with Phospholipase, if things move forward, you being closeted may get in the way. Honestly, though, you may be taking things too far in your head. You've got to get somewhere on the path to a relationship with the guy first - I think if you're honest and realistic with the guy, (if he's a rational human being) he will be honest back regarding his feelings on it.

[nydtc]

I started my current relationship while I was still in the closet. For us it was a little easier because I live a few hours from my family.
My BF knew I wasn't ou and was supportive of the fact that I needed to come out when I was ready. There then came a time when I wanted to share him with the rest of my world which meant coming out.
The point is, do it when your ready and for the right reason - again because your ready.
Good luck

[toremi]

Thanks for the feedback.

Like I said I was very upfront about my whole situation since the last thing I want to do is confuse somebody. I have seen enough tales of confusion on here by people being led astray by others. He was accepting of the situation and still wanted to get together... So we will meet up. I know it is really a non-issue at this point (we may meet and then never see each other again) but I always think in advance -- if I go on a whim with things, I will never think it through properly and then that adds trouble as well.

Moral of the story is I was just worried I would have one of those situations like when friends start having sex and both are upfront in the beginning but then something changes and it always gets confused. In the end it is really just one of those situations I will have to wait and feel out I guess.