Need to be ok with it

[Nemo39122]

This is probably going to turn into a slightly whiny post, and I apologize ahead of time for that. I just really need to vent here.

I'm bisexual. I really hate myself for it. The problem (besides the obvious) is that I'm not even sure why. I have no problems with other people who are LGBT, logically I know it's totally okay, but I still hate myself for it. It's like I accept others, but I don't accept myself.

It's not like I'm just realizing this and having trouble accepting it. I've known for several years now. I used to be ok with it, even proud of it, at least I thought so. I was always ok with it, even though people around me probably wouldn't be. I live in rural southern Texas, so society in general tends to be pretty against it. My family would not be accepting (they don't know), and I honestly can't tell if my friends would or not. Some I'm pretty sure would accept it, others I have no clue. But none of that used to bother me. I did not and still do not care if my family is accepting or not. Acceptance with friends worries me a bit more, but if they reject me for it they aren't real friends anyway right? I used to be ok with who I am...I don't know what happened to that.

I think part of it may be that in the past I never really realized the extent of how this changes my life. It feels like it ruins everything...but at the same time, I feel like if I was ok with it, then everything else wouldn't be so hard. I don't fit in with my straight friends, I don't fit in with my gay friends. I don't belong anywhere. But still, if I could accept myself it wouldn't bother me as much. So why am I not ok with it? I have so much self-hatred, shame, and anxiety surrounding it but I don't know why. I deal with depression and self-destructive tendencies anyway, but this is making it much much worse.

I'm torn between trying to accept myself, or just deciding to hide and repress it forever. I know it probably seems like an obvious choice, and that the second option is a very very bad idea but I'm not sure what else to do.

Has anyone else had similar problems? Any tips on figuring out the reason for the self-hatred? Or any tips on accepting yourself? Thanks.

[LOTRgirl]

I wish I had some awesome advice to give to you, but honestly, I don't. I can say, however, that I'm going through something very, very, very, very similar (your second paragraph is basically the inside of my head) so you are not alone in this!! And you definitely aren't whining; this site is awesome for venting to people who have been through every path imaginable and supporting one another. I think eventually, acceptance may come; it just might take more time than is desired, and it won't be easy (unfortunately).

I know my comment doesn't really help solve anything but I just wanted you to know that you aren't alone in what you're feeling and that there are many hugs being sent your way!

[Chouchou]

I think that this may be due to your being able to accept homosexuality intellectually, but not quite emotionally. That is, you are okay with homosexuality as a normal, natural occurrence in human beings, but you are having a hard time accepting that you yourself are among them. That last part can probably be attributed to an entirely reasonable fear of being hated, shunned, and oppressed by others simply for belonging to a sexual minority, or simply for being "different". No one wants to be treated that way, obviously. Despite knowing intellectually that you're bi, that being bi is normal, and that being bi is not something that can be changed, you have that fear deep inside that's manifesting itself currently as self-hatred and shame. Emotional acceptance will come with time, as you become more comfortable with the idea of your sexuality, and not just the reality of it.

[secretgirlX]

I felt exactly the same way, it actually made me depressed. I had no idea how my friends would react, but after telling them, well some of them, it made me feel so much better. Accepting yourself is hard, hell, i still don't feel like i fit in. It may take time and finding people you do fit in with for you to fully accept yourself. I wish I could give you more advice, but i'm currently going through something pretty similar.

[dreamcatcher]

Unfortunately, self hatred is all too common among us queer folks. As to how to accept yourself, honestly, I'm not there yet myself. What has been helping me though is reading people's stories, joining ec, and getting to see other lgbt and who they are. I think the more you learn about what it means to be bi, the more you'll come to accept that as a part of yourself. I've always gone under the belief that knowledge is power, so the more self aware you become, the better off you will be.

As to feeling like you don't belong, I completely understand that. It's hard being bi since there is discrimination on both sides, but just because you're bi, that doesn't mean you don't belong anywhere. There's plenty of bi people in the lgbt community. And being bi is only a part of who you are. It doesn't completely define you as a person. You might have many common interests with all of your friends and the only real difference between you and them may be that you're bi. Both our differences and our similarities help us get closer to people. You don't have to share the same sexuality as someone else in order to connect with another person.

Anyways life is hard and as someone who is currently dealing with depression, I wish you the best of luck

[Nemo39122]

Thanks to everyone for the input on this. It really helps.
What Chouchou said makes alot of sense...because in a way it does seem like I accept it logically but not emotionally. I logically accept that it is who I am and things like that, but it's almost as if emotionally I'm still in that stage of thinking things like what does this mean for my life, is this really me, etc. and still feeling a little...I'm not sure, maybe anxiety surrounding it? I don't know. I know this is not going to be a quick or easy process, but hopefully things will start to get better.