Confused

[REH12345678]

Hi,

I am a 26 year old male. I have had many girlfriends in my past, but I am still a virgin. When I was with my girlfriends, I engaged in and enjoyed sexual activity {manual and oral}, but I never felt ready to to go all the way.

My most recent girlfriend {of 2.5 years} broke up with me because she was frustrated that I didn't have an answer as to why I wasn't ready. We had a few conversations since we have broken up and talked a lot about our issues, because she and I would still like a relationship but I need to figure out some of my issues first. We never talked much about sex when we were going out, because I would shut down when I didn't have an answer as to why I wasn't ready. But talking with her after the break-up got me a little excited about the idea of going all the way. Soon after this excitement and thinking about getting together with her, the idea popped into my head that I might be gay.

I panicked. And I haven't been able to get it out of my head. I am not sure what to do, it is starting to take over all of my thoughts and making me depressed, stressed and confused.

How can I go from being excited about getting back together with my girlfriend and having sex one day to thinking I might be gay and panicking the next?

[BuzzSnail]

Just because you're a virgin and not ready to have sex doesn't in and of itself mean you are gay. If you are exploring your sexuality you should ask yourself these questions:

Are you ambivalent towards the opposite sex?
Are you attracted to the same sex?
Do you phantasize about having sexual relationships with the same sex?

I'm sure others can come with some additional questions.

Even if you answer yes to any of these questions it doesn't necessarily mean your gay. Sexuality can be very complicated and encompasses a range of feelings toward the opposite/same sex. It may take you a while to come to your own conclusion as to where you fit in. I know you just want to hear a yes or no answer, but really for many people it's not that simple.

I have been questioning my sexuality for a month now and I'm 35. I've only ever had sex with women but I have recently become aware of my attraction to men. I wish you happiness in your journey.

[mnguy]

Welcome to EC! Some people aren't very sexual at all. Maybe a hormone imbalance or something else. I can imagine being in a relationship with a woman and not having any interest in having sex with her. If I had been in that situation I think I'd say it's because we can wait for marriage to have sex. I could never figure out what the big deal was with sex and why people couldn't wait until they got married. Then I finally figured out that I was gay. Finally I realized all the times I admired guys from afar wasn't because I liked their hair or clothes, it was because I liked them. If I was dating a guy, I'd have a hard time keeping my hands off him, much like straight guys have a hard time keeping their hands off their girlfriend.

Maybe your excitement about getting back with her and about sex was the trained response, what you think you should feel because that's what other guys would feel. I'm sure the lights-off feeling of sex with a woman would be nice, but the lights-on image would be a turnoff for me anyway (no offense to women).

Maybe my experience is much different from yours, or maybe not. You don't have to figure that out right now. Take your time, read other stories here, ask questions, whatever you want. Just know that someone else has, is and will go through what you're feeling so you're not alone. Take care, man.

[Sunsetting]

First, you are a brave man, not just for coming on to EC, but sharing openly. It will really help you in the long run. I don't think there's anything "wrong" with you at all. You may have some anxiety to address, but that's not insurmountable.

Second, there's nothing wrong with being a virgin. You can only have one "first" time, and it's a misconception that most of the free world is jumping in the sack. Making a first time special and choosing to sleep with someone at the right time for you (nothing wrong with waiting till your married) is a great thing.

I think your girlfriend was probably more upset that you weren't telling her why; yes there should be openness in a relationship, but she should also be willing to accept you where you're at...even for 2.5 years. That kind of unconditional acceptance can encourage a person to be open and free in the relationship. Perhaps she just wasn't the right one.

What I would recommend is addressing your fear and anxiety. You're not necessarily gay. I even know one guy who was your age and had such a hard time connecting with people in general so he started to sleep with guys only to realize that he did it because he was only afraid of being himself with a woman. He dealt with his anxiety and is actually in healthier relationships with women now.

That all being said, the most important thing is to deal with what's going on at the core; and that isn't necessarily an attraction towards men OR women, but could simply anxiety or even inadequacy, when in all actuality, you are doing fine and are a fully functional healthy, good guy. I'm sorry if this might sound convoluted; it is fairly early for me to be writing, but stick around here. Don't let anyone tell you who you are and cope with the things that are beneath the attraction to really figure out what's going on inside.