Open relationship...what?

[Jerseyboy]

Hey everybody so ill try to make this quick cause its killing me...I'm almost out at my college, like alot of people know, i've been to the LGBT group meeting, granted i still have to tell me roommate, but after that I don't really care who knows at school.

So a few months ago, I made friends with this gay guy, lets call him C, here after we grinded a little at a party, nothing really...and then this other gay guy,B, from my school, who i've never seen before, friend requested me like a week later, with only C a few other people as mutual friends...okay? B's pretty cute not gunna lie, so i fb messaged him just saying hi and asking where we've met cause I had no idea, granted I'm nearly positive we never did, but I thought I'd give it a try..no response. Fast forward to like a few days ago, I went to my school LGBT club meeting with a friend, and THERE HE WAS!!! :O and he kept staring at me!!! so we started talking, and I brought up how we are already friends on fb cause he said I looked familiar, but he just kinda brushed it off with some logic that made no sense, whatever hes cute, he can get away with it ;]

So we've been talking alot, considering after the meeting, he blew up my facebook commenting on pictures and leaving posts. I think its cause I'm not completely out so I hid my "interested in" for now, but after the meeting he probably had a good idea. So we started talking though through just facebook chat and texting now, and we have a lot in common! I love it! He seems like such a chill, awesome guy, like I really think I'm falling for him, but I refuse to say anything more than like and I'll tell you why. He's in a fucking open relationship!!! GAHHHHHHH Of course! =[ So now I don't know what to do, I plan to keep talking to him cause we have really good conversations, but I don't know where the fuck this is gunna even go, you know? Just friends? Friends with benefits? How the fuck does an open relationship even end when you can't cheat on the other person? I can really see myself with this guy, but I don't want to be just a little side thing while he goes back to this other guyy when we're done =[ Anyone??

[Sunsetting]

i'm sorry to say, but there's no such thing as friends with benefits; someone always gets hurt. if he can't make a commitment to this other guy, i don't believe he can make a commitment to you. if that's what you want, then stand firm and just be friends. otherwise, there could be some really unwanted drama.

[Zontar]

Open relationships share sex, but not affection. What you're probably thinking of is polyamory, which shares affection, but rarely sex.

Either way, it's all a mindfuck, and it's easier just to say he's not going to like you back.

[sanguine]

its not that bad is it?

i think it is ok not to make a big commitment, it separates those who want a long term relationship in terms of monogamy, to those who are willing to have sex without any strings attached.

maybe you can just stick to this guy as a friend, there is nothing wrong with that, and when he decides to take things further you can just explain to him about how you feel about his open relationship.

[Mogget]

The term "open relationship" can mean shared sex but not affection, but not always. Terminology regarding non-traditional relationships isn't very precise. So it's possible your friend would be open to sex but not dating, but it's also possible he's open to dating and sex.

Should you pursue it? That's up to you and it depends on what you want and expect from a relationship. If monogamy's important to you, you should back off and avoid spending time alone with him, as spending time with him's likely to make you fall further in love. If you think you could handle non-monogamy, it's perfectly all right to ask him what he means by "open relationship," and decide where to go from there.

There are a lot of people (especially here on EC) who believe that anything short of monogamy indicates a complete failure to commit and is a signal that the person is immature and not capable of fully participating in a relationship. On the other end of the spectrum there are people who believe that monogamy is a stifling, oppressive system that serves only to alienate people and make them miserable. I don't have a strong opinion on the matter. I'm open to dating people who're dating other people, and I'm open to monogamy, I don't see either as intrinsically better than the other; each has it's own pitfalls, drawbacks, and advantages.

What is important is that you don't go into a relationship type you dislike just to be with a guy you like. That's a recipe for heartbreak and an unhealthy relationship.

[seeksanctuary]

It IS possible to cheat in an open relationships-- there should still be rules, no matter how vague, that define what is and isn't okay. Which is something that should be discussed if you're thinking about getting serious.

And despite what some people think, yes, you can have a committed relationship with two or more people. Monogamy isn't for everyone, and non-monogamy =/= inability to commit. Still, if that sort of relationship makes you nervous... talk with him about it. See how he defines such a relationships, see what he and his other partners expect, and see if he even wants something long-term (emotionally, sexually or both) with you. Maybe he doesn't.

Either way, I think it's safe to say that being friends for a while would be your best bet, no matter what it leads to in the future.

[Mad Man L]

I would first ask him to define an 'open relationship'. If it can involve both affection and sex, as long as the idea of an open relationship floats your boat, go for it. If it's only sex, I'd avoid it. When you throw sex into the mix with someone you like, affection is going to follow very soon after.

Friends with benefits CAN work if the two people have no prior relations. If you're friends, it's going to end badly. If you like the person, it's going to end in tears if the other person doesn't like you back. Considering you're the latter, avoid it being 'just sex'. But I wouldn't get your hopes up.

[Chip]

Open relationships can sometimes work, but usually somebody ends up hurt. Same with "friends with benefits".

What I would honestly suggest before you go any further is to give some serious thought to your own wants and desires, explore your own sense of jealousy (as that's a big issue with open relationships, typically) and figure out what sorts of situations you would be comfortable with.

Joe Kort, a therapist and sexologist specializing in LGBT issues, recommends that partners not consider opening their relationships to others until the primary relationship has been stable for a lengthy period - 2 or 3 years. Otherwise, the openness in the relationship is often a mask for problems with emotional intimacy. And it also takes a special kind of person to be truly OK with an open relationship.

Personally, I'd see red flags at somebody flirting and actively seeking out someone to "hang out with" and directly talking about his open relationship; that sounds more like someone who isn't really happy being in a committed relationship, and unless you want that sort of minimal commitment to emotional intimacy in your primary relationship, it's probably a recipe for unhappiness.

This is a tough call. What it really boils down to is your own feelings about *yourself* and what you want, and you'll have to work a bit to separate those from what you feel for him that could be skewing your views.

[Jerseyboy]

Thanks everyone for the advice. Yeah, I don't know, I'm just nervous cause I do really like this guy, but I don't think I'm gunna go past "friends" because of the emotional complications, especially considering he already has a boyfriend. If they break up...its one thing but right now, I'm just gunna go the safe road. I'll probably end up asking him about it, but I'm sure I'm not going to like the answer =P Thanks again =]

[Chip]

That sounds like a good plan. And... not to be a wet blanket, but... even if he does break up, unless something changes, there's nothing to say that he won't be exactly the same way with you that he is with his current boyfriend (flirting with others while being in a relationship with you.) So you really need to get to know him and understand his motivations, and then think about what's important to you.

[Koll]

Originally Posted by Sunsetting

i'm sorry to say, but there's no such thing as friends with benefits; someone always gets hurt. if he can't make a commitment to this other guy, i don't believe he can make a commitment to you. if that's what you want, then stand firm and just be friends. otherwise, there could be some really unwanted drama.

QFE..

[Zontar]

As an aromantic, I highly reject that assertion.

There is nothing wrong with sex without the emotional BS as long as both people fully understand the nature of the relationship. I for one have never misled anyone into something they did not truly want. It's really something intrinsic to people like me; FWB isn't for everyone, or even most people.

[maverick]

Originally Posted by Koll

QFE..

Word. And seconded.

[seeksanctuary]

Originally Posted by Zontar

As an aromantic, I highly reject that assertion.

There is nothing wrong with sex without the emotional BS as long as both people fully understand the nature of the relationship. I for one have never misled anyone into something they did not truly want. It's really something intrinsic to people like me; FWB isn't for everyone, or even most people.

Yep. Not everyone has the same relationship ideal, wants/needs, etc.