withdrawing..does this sound good or bad?

[insidehappy]

Hi guys, as some of you know i have been trying to come to terms with sexuality. essentially i built a life of straight friends and over the past couple of years i have some gay associates. not really any gay friends. many of the gay people that i have met it was something that started in a potential "attraction" area so once that never worked, the freindship never worked either. i know that i need to work on developing non attraction based gay friends.

with that said, i have been withdrawing more and more from my straight friends. its not that i do not want to hang with them, but i do not actively try to suggest hanging anymore. it wasn't like i was hanging out with them a lot anyway. but lately i have been declining invitaitions to things a lot. i find that mostly women are my friends but they also like me and flirt with me so instead of "going there" i just ignore the request or do not say something else has come up. i like them but only as a friend and it just adds too much stress on me to try and hang aroudn them and they end up liking me.

also i have also stopped entertaining the notion of undercover guys. so now when i see a guy that is looking at me or staring at me i just act like i do not see it. if it is a friendly stare with a smile and i'm interested, sure i may make small talk but if it's that "stare" (blank with no emotion and deep eyes piercing), i just ignore.

in a way it feels like im withdrawing but also in a way, its like i do not want to put up with the drama of girls liking me right now and me having to have the "lets be freinds talk" and i dont want to put up with thinking the undercover guy could really be looking for something real when it turns out he just wants sex. so to avoid both, i just withdraw.

does this sound good or sound bad, i can't tell. i am still friendly with all types of people but i have stopped forcing it with guys that i dont know if they are gay or not. could i be missing out on chances or am i just coming closer to realizing that types like that are just illusions and usually only want sex anyway...?

[Filip]

Well, both good and bad.

The good: It's good to notice that you're essentially getting into the same old games. The "Is he or isn't he" game with guys, and the "friendly closeted flirting" game with girls. Those are easy patterns to fall into (I did similar things while I was still in the closet), but in the end, you risk getting stuck in this pattern, which doesn't go anywhere.

The bad: Withdrawing isn't your best option here. Sure, it gets rid of the "games" described above, but just retreating from everything isn't the solution. Don't get me wrong here: I'm all for people being comfortable with spending some time by themselves. But avoiding friends sound like you're setting yourself up for loneliness you don't have to suffer.

The solution is simple, but you might not like this at first: coming out, having your friends know you're gay, and dating guys openly, instead of on the down-low.

Sure, it's daunting. From your other threads I know you don't see this as an option just yet. But it would solve the problems, only by tackling them head-on instead of fleeing. Those girls would know you're not on the market (while probably still being able to see you as a good friend). With those guys, you wouldn't be jumping through convoluted hoops (Not as if all openly gay guys are ideal either, but they come with less issues than gays in hiding). And you'd stop feeling like you're hiding this horrific secret. Because that, in the end, becomes a weight to heavy to bear.

I'm obviously not saying you need to make it a big announcement to all your friends right this instant. But think of it. What if you would come out and not have to play these convoluted games? The gains probably would outweigh the drawbacks in the end!