Is it just me? - Empty Closets - A safe online community for gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgendered people coming out

Tzee · 3rd Feb 2012, 03:06 PM

So I thought I had accepted myself; for years I tried to convince myself that I was "just going through a phase" and that "every girl has a little crush on other girls, it'll go away", I finally stopped lying to myself and came out to my friends.

I am really lucky; my community is not homophobic at all, and neither are my friends-who were not surprised when I told them-I know my mom would also be accepting and loving, although I have not told her.

The only person who does not accept my sexuality is me. I was really very happy when I first came out; I knew it was the right thing to do, I had a lot of optimism.

I don't know what has changed. I just can't seem to reconcile the gayness with myself. I sometimes get to the point where I refuse to think about it, and I see some other person as gay, but not me.

I know it makes no sense. I have never believed homosexuality was wrong,but sometimes I wish I could just rip it out of me. It seems as though it's alright for everyone except me, in my mind.

Whenever I try to think of it being biological, I feel like I'm a mistake and unworthy, a mutation or freak. I know that it's cruel to think like that, and I don't mean any harm to anyone, I'm just trying to convey the feeling.

I don't know if I'm brave enough to be a lesbian.

Thank you

Looking forwards to your thoughts and opinions

waitingfordawn · 3rd Feb 2012, 03:15 PM

I've always felt the same way. Like, everyone else could be gay besides me, and that was fine. But I, I was not gay! I couldn't be! I was going to lead a "normal" life, a life that was expected of me by the virtue that I am a woman, and am supposed to be attracted to men. That's the norm. I seriously questioned myself and then denied, denied, denied until I couldn't really anymore. And even thought I admitted it to myself, and came out (so far, only to the most important people), but I'm still in the process of accepting it. I think it's going to take a long, long time before I fully accept it as part of myself, and I think it's like that for most. You might admit it, but you might not accept it right away. I dunno, that's just my experience.

Jordash · 3rd Feb 2012, 03:21 PM

I get what your going through. My friends were very understanding and I think my mom would be to, if I told her.
When I finally realized it wasn't just a phase, I started to freak out. I cut myself and stopped eating. But when I told my best friend (my current girlfriend) everything just clicked for me. Like a large weight just lifted off my shoulders. But there is, every now and again, that feeling of "why and I not "normal", why can't I just be like all the other girls?"
But after a while, it really does get better, I know when I was thinking like this I didnt think it could get better but it really did.
Just hold on and never let go!

silverhalo · 3rd Feb 2012, 03:28 PM

I think you are brave enough, I mean you have done most of the hard work, and yeah sometimes its hard and you have kind of 'second thoughts' but you will get there and it will get better, and when you meet an amazing girl to share your life with you will realise it is all worth it. Everyone here believes in you.

It can help to just repeat to yourself a few times in the mirror when you get up in the morning, 'I am gay (or im a lesbian, whichever you prefer), but that doesnt mean there is anything wrong with me', or something along those lines. Try and smile when you do it, I know it sounds kind of silly but it can help.

Chimera · 3rd Feb 2012, 06:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tzee

I know it makes no sense. I have never believed homosexuality was wrong,but sometimes I wish I could just rip it out of me. It seems as though it's alright for everyone except me, in my mind.

One of the biggest reliefs about reading these posts was realizing that this thought is a very common one, and it's nothing to be ashamed about. I'm still in the "is this a phase?" part, and honestly *guilt* am still hoping this is a phase. I can't think of anybody who'd want to involuntarily be part of a minority. When it comes to biology, it might help to think of homosexuality less as a mistake and more like... being left-handed or blue-eyed. These are minority traits, but there is nothing wrong with them, and they are only small aspects that make up the larger you. *Hugs* You are not alone

Tzee · 3rd Feb 2012, 11:05 PM

Thanks so far to everyone who has replied.
I'm really glad to hear that this is the kind of thing that passes with time, I only wish I could make it pass sooner.

It would be wonderful if the reason why would just appear, everything would be that much less confusing.

**Chandra** · 4th Feb 2012, 05:12 PM

It's completely normal to have a certain amount of internalized homophobia, even if you are outwardly accepting of the idea and live in an accepting community. It's no secret that there is still a lot of hatred and prejudice out there towards LGBT people, and this may be your mind's subconscious way of trying to protect yourself from that. Keep surrounding yourself with positive people who accept you for who you are, and with time hopefully your self-doubts will subside.

3rd Feb 2012, 03:06 PM	#1
Tzee Newbie Regular Member Gender: Female Orientation: Lesbian Out Status: Came out; went back in. Posts: 4 Join Date: Feb 2012	Is it just me? So I thought I had accepted myself; for years I tried to convince myself that I was "just going through a phase" and that "every girl has a little crush on other girls, it'll go away", I finally stopped lying to myself and came out to my friends. I am really lucky; my community is not homophobic at all, and neither are my friends-who were not surprised when I told them-I know my mom would also be accepting and loving, although I have not told her. The only person who does not accept my sexuality is me. I was really very happy when I first came out; I knew it was the right thing to do, I had a lot of optimism. I don't know what has changed. I just can't seem to reconcile the gayness with myself. I sometimes get to the point where I refuse to think about it, and I see some other person as gay, but not me. I know it makes no sense. I have never believed homosexuality was wrong,but sometimes I wish I could just rip it out of me. It seems as though it's alright for everyone except me, in my mind. Whenever I try to think of it being biological, I feel like I'm a mistake and unworthy, a mutation or freak. I know that it's cruel to think like that, and I don't mean any harm to anyone, I'm just trying to convey the feeling. I don't know if I'm brave enough to be a lesbian. Thank you Looking forwards to your thoughts and opinions

3rd Feb 2012, 03:15 PM	#2
waitingfordawn Well Known Regular Member Gender: Female Orientation: Queer Out Status: to friends and anyone that asks. Except family. Location: Montreal Age: 19 Posts: 140 Join Date: Jan 2012	Re: Is it just me? I've always felt the same way. Like, everyone else could be gay besides me, and that was fine. But I, I was not gay! I couldn't be! I was going to lead a "normal" life, a life that was expected of me by the virtue that I am a woman, and am supposed to be attracted to men. That's the norm. I seriously questioned myself and then denied, denied, denied until I couldn't really anymore. And even thought I admitted it to myself, and came out (so far, only to the most important people), but I'm still in the process of accepting it. I think it's going to take a long, long time before I fully accept it as part of myself, and I think it's like that for most. You might admit it, but you might not accept it right away. I dunno, that's just my experience.

3rd Feb 2012, 03:21 PM	#3
Jordash Well Known Full Member Gender: Female Orientation: Gay Out Status: Anyone who asks, except parents. Location: Salem New York Age: 15 Posts: 194 Join Date: Jan 2012	Re: Is it just me? I get what your going through. My friends were very understanding and I think my mom would be to, if I told her. When I finally realized it wasn't just a phase, I started to freak out. I cut myself and stopped eating. But when I told my best friend (my current girlfriend) everything just clicked for me. Like a large weight just lifted off my shoulders. But there is, every now and again, that feeling of "why and I not "normal", why can't I just be like all the other girls?" But after a while, it really does get better, I know when I was thinking like this I didnt think it could get better but it really did. Just hold on and never let go! __________________ This is a conversation between A and B, so C your way out before D jumps over E and Fs you up like a G.

3rd Feb 2012, 03:28 PM	#4
silverhalo EC Addict Full Member Gender: Female Orientation: Lesbian Out Status: Quite a few Location: England, Age: 29 Posts: 3,166 Join Date: Dec 2008	Re: Is it just me? I think you are brave enough, I mean you have done most of the hard work, and yeah sometimes its hard and you have kind of 'second thoughts' but you will get there and it will get better, and when you meet an amazing girl to share your life with you will realise it is all worth it. Everyone here believes in you. It can help to just repeat to yourself a few times in the mirror when you get up in the morning, 'I am gay (or im a lesbian, whichever you prefer), but that doesnt mean there is anything wrong with me', or something along those lines. Try and smile when you do it, I know it sounds kind of silly but it can help.

3rd Feb 2012, 11:05 PM	#6
Tzee Newbie Regular Member Gender: Female Orientation: Lesbian Out Status: Came out; went back in. Posts: 4 Join Date: Feb 2012	Re: Is it just me? Thanks so far to everyone who has replied. I'm really glad to hear that this is the kind of thing that passes with time, I only wish I could make it pass sooner. It would be wonderful if the reason why would just appear, everything would be that much less confusing.

4th Feb 2012, 05:12 PM	#7
Chandra Empty Closets Advisor EC Advisor Gender: Female Orientation: somewhere over the rainbow Out Status: Out to most people Posts: 782 Join Date: Jan 2010	Re: Is it just me? It's completely normal to have a certain amount of internalized homophobia, even if you are outwardly accepting of the idea and live in an accepting community. It's no secret that there is still a lot of hatred and prejudice out there towards LGBT people, and this may be your mind's subconscious way of trying to protect yourself from that. Keep surrounding yourself with positive people who accept you for who you are, and with time hopefully your self-doubts will subside.