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Bi: Sometimes you're attracted to a certain sex and sometimes you aren't?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Yoshi02, Jan 5, 2013.

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  1. Yoshi02

    Yoshi02
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    Hello. So I've been considering the possibility that I might be bi lately. In my later high school years I realized I could find certain kinds of guys physically attractive. But I've never met one, gay or otherwise, that I've really wanted to sleep with. And while I have had "man crushes" in the past they've always been the platonic kind, such as I think this dude is cool. I'd like to hang out with him more. And even those kind I can count on one hand.

    With girls it seems to be even stranger and inconsistent. I have seriously crushed on girls in the past in the romantic sense, but there doesn't often seem to be a physical spark to go with it. I really more want to hold them close and enjoy their company and companionship. There's this girl at work who came to my desk to discuss something. She's cute and I like her, and she came around to look at my computer screen. She was standing close enough I could feel her body heat and I suddenly had the urge to reach out and grab her (I didn't of course.:lol:slight_smile:.

    And I was looking at photos of certain girls this morning and found myself getting aroused pretty readily, enough that I was able to satisfy myself pretty quickly. But later in the same day I was looking at the same pictures of the same girls and nothing would happen.

    Does this happen to anyone else? I started out thinking I was Bi but now I'm kind of wondering if I might be asexual. Sex doesn't seem that important to me. I more want a partner to share life with.
     
    #1 Yoshi02, Jan 5, 2013
  2. Argentwing

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    Asexual sounds more likely. Having mixed reactions to the same pics doesn't really mean anything, because interest waxes and wanes even if you're straight I imagine.

    The most dynamism I've found with being bi is that I swing from being mostly straight to mostly gay, and back again. I'm always mildly interested in sex with SOMEBODY, though. Having your interest in one gender go up and down may just mean your libido varies, which like I said, sounds like nothing out of the ordinary.

    Best of luck figuring out what label you want for yourself. :slight_smile:
     
    #2 Argentwing, Jan 5, 2013
  3. Fate

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    It is quite possible your asexual, maybe bi-romantic I think is the term...
    It could be that at this point in your life your just not interested in sex....

    I'm sort of in the same situation, I like the comfort of a partner but the thought of sex is just, ehw... At this point i'm telling myself it's just cuz im young (19) and not interested in sex, and that there is a high possibility it will change as I get older and find the right person...

    What's your outlook on being asexual?
    Would you be ashamed? embarrassed? fine with it?
    You've had crushes, have you ever been in a relationship?
    If yes, could you maybe share your feelings when in said relationship?
     
    #3 Fate, Jan 5, 2013
  4. Yoshi02

    Yoshi02
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    Thanks. I suppose what concerns me most is that I'm kind of traditional in that I want a monogamous relationship, ideally with a women I could eventually marry. But what happens if I enter a phase where I'm not interested in sex with women...or anybody really? Doesn't seem fair to them.

    Personally sex has never been a big deal to me. I've never been in a serious relationship and truthfully never had real sex either. The first thing is something I want to change, but the second has just never seemed that important to me. Maybe if I actually had sex my outlook would be different. :lol:

    My biggest concern is if I were to find someone odds are they'd want sex more regularly than I would, if it all. If I can't perform for them I'd try other things to help them along but they may not be satisfied with that after a while.
     
    #4 Yoshi02, Jan 5, 2013
  5. Fate

    Fate
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    Well if you do come to the conclusion that you are asexual, then I can think of three options...
    1) Date another asexual (hard to find someone thats both asexual and "the right one"?)
    2) Be honest with your partner, they may be okay with it themselves
    3) Maybe consider the option of an "open relationship"

    You'd probably want better advice from someone who's had experience, that's been asexual and in relationships... These are just the thoughts that come to my mind on this situation....
     
    #5 Fate, Jan 5, 2013
  6. curlycats

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    perhaps you are some shade of Asexual. not all Asexuals are the same in their lack of sexual attraction, you know.

    watch this video about Gray-Asexuality and Demisexuality. does any of it ring a bell for you?

    Gray-A/Demisexuality Awareness! - YouTube
     
    #6 curlycats, Jan 5, 2013
  7. Yoshi02

    Yoshi02
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    Thank you. That was very interesting.

    You're right that since my experience with these things is limited at the moment it's hard to be sure what I am exactly. I figure I need to date more to get a better sense. If I were what the video calls a demi-sexual, only attracted to people I had a deep connection with, I could probably live just fine with that.

    It would actually make sense to me since while I can see people out in public I might consider attractive, I cannot remember the last time I was aroused by seeing a total stranger walk by regardless of how interesting I may have considered them. It seems like the urge will come sometimes when I'm at home or when I induce it myself.
     
    #7 Yoshi02, Jan 5, 2013
  8. curlycats

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    see, there is a difference between having an urge for sex/sexual pleasure and sexual attraction. many people don't see the difference, but among the asexual community the difference is clear.

    sexual attraction is when you find yourself wanting to have sex based on an attraction to someone else.

    whereas an urge for sex/sexual pleasure can come about without any attraction to anyone what so ever. for example, watching porn can flip a switch in your body that will make you crave sexual satisfaction, but that doesn't mean you're actually attracted to anyone in the video. it's purely a primal urge-- like the urge to use the bathroom when you have a full bladder and hear running water!

    in other words, an orgasm does not mean you're experiencing sexual attraction. some asexuals do indeed like sex, but still experience no sexual attraction.
     
    #8 curlycats, Jan 5, 2013
  9. Yoshi02

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    This is very helpful as it does sound a lot like me. I can find certain things about people attractive in videos and pictures which would make me want to satisfy myself, but I never picture myself actually doing the deed with the people. And meeting people in real life never seems to prompt that kind of response. I always want to connect with them on a more personal or even spiritual level. I don't even think about sex.
     
    #9 Yoshi02, Jan 5, 2013
  10. curlycats

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    sounds like we have a lot in common. :slight_smile: glad i could help.
     
    #10 curlycats, Jan 5, 2013
  11. Yoshi02

    Yoshi02
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    If you don't mind me asking, have you been in many serious relationships? When you were in serious relationships where you connected well with your partner did you always find sexual attraction to come along with it? If not how did you handle that with your partner?
     
    #11 Yoshi02, Jan 6, 2013
  12. skiff

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    Maybe "sometimes" depends on your brain serotonin levels shifting...

    Could a Brain Chemical Drive Male-Male Attraction? | Serotonin & Sexual Orientation | LiveScience

    Rao and his team genetically engineered male mice to lack either serotonin-producing neurons or a protein that is crucial for making serotonin in the brain. Both types of altered mouse couldn't make serotonin.

    Unlike typical males, mice deficient in the neurotransmitter showed no inclination to mount sexually receptive females more than males, nor did they prefer to smell females' genital odors or bedding. Instead, they climbed onto males and serenaded them with ultrasonic love songs more frequently than normal. Males emit these vocalizations when they encounter females to make them more receptive to mating.

    While all of the males who possessed serotonin mounted females first, nearly half of the mice that lacked serotonin clambered onto males before females, and about 60 percent spent more time sniffing or hovering over the genital odors and bedding from males than from females.

    When the researchers injected a compound into these mice to restore neurotransmitter levels, they found that the animals mounted females more than males. But too much serotonin reduced male-female mounting, suggesting that the amount of this chemical must stay within a certain range to foster heterosexual rather than homosexual behaviors.
     
    #12 skiff, Jan 6, 2013
  13. Yoshi02

    Yoshi02
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    That's interesting. I have been wondering if I should see a doctor about my sex drive. I'll remember this. Thanks.
     
    #13 Yoshi02, Jan 6, 2013
  14. skiff

    skiff Guest

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    Do something simple first... You are a naked ape. Apes are designed to make vitamin D (pre-hormone) from sunlight. Serum vitamin D then drives serotonin levels. Is there any seasonality to your sexual preference?

    Vitamin D and serotonin in winter
    Elsevier

    Vitamin D is no vitamin it is an epigenetic hormone. It was classified a vitamin prior to the discovery of hormones.

    Stuck
     
    #14 skiff, Jan 6, 2013
  15. cm81990

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    I'm not sure if it is as simple in humans. It really is difficult to compare animal sexuality to human standards or definitions of sexuality. So I guess for me to become heterosexual, I'll need to reduce serotonin levels :dry:
     
    #15 cm81990, Jan 6, 2013
  16. Yoshi02

    Yoshi02
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    I don't think he was saying orientation is all about chemical balance. More that sometimes individual sex drive can be affected by brain chemicals which it can.
     
    #16 Yoshi02, Jan 6, 2013
  17. sguyc

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    It is such a hard question and one that I am dealing with as well. For instance I get off on average everyday, but its all fantasy and porn. The few people I have been with, the sex has been very strained, and I pretty much could not orgasm with them. Does this sound like gray-A?

    To be honest, I will be very distraught if I am going to be that way forever. To me it would basically settling for being alone my whole life. And it is so so so frustrating that I can't enjoy the ectasy I get from orgasming with other people and bond with them that way. Right now I am basically in the process of exploring my sexual desires with a very close friend in a nsa type agreement. I am hoping that gives me more clarity.
     
    #17 sguyc, Jan 6, 2013
  18. skiff

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    Humans are animals first and foremost. We complicate it a bit with social rituals but for 5-7 million years of successful evolution we have primary animal programming.

    All I have posted is what the science is demonstrating that drives the basic animal model.

    Human arrogance is pretty strong as many of us have been victims to it. Do not allow that arrogance to blind you to science. Humans are animals first and over that animal we overlay the drape of civilization like a wolf in sheep's clothing.

    Look to the bonobo (ape with closest genetics to humans >99% same DNA) which incorporates homosexuality into the wild ape culture.

    Animals first. Same DNA for over 10,000 years.

    Stuck
     
    #18 skiff, Jan 6, 2013
  19. Yoshi02

    Yoshi02
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    Do you think you might be experiencing some anxiety that impedes your performance? Many people are nervous their first couple times. Perhaps you just need more experience or a partner you're more comfortable with. Or you could try seeing a counselor to figure it out.

    If it turns out you're just not motivated by actual sex that doesn't mean you have to be alone. You just need to find someone who accepts your individual sex drive.
     
    #19 Yoshi02, Jan 6, 2013
  20. cm81990

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    I realize the bonobo is bisexual and there aren't any "straight" or "gay" bonobos, they just have sex. How do you explain exclusively gay humans? It's an evolutionary paradox.
     
    #20 cm81990, Jan 6, 2013
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