Mu crush (part 3)

[goratrix]

Well. By now I'll assume you all know about this guy I have a crush on. Yeah, he's 15, blah blah blah... (so... no background on this one).

Ok, I thought I was getting over him, you know, having seen him many times and not feeling like I used to. I finally got to see him as a person and not as the perfect idealization I had of him. I started seeing things I didn't like in him... you know... some details. And I started to see he was really childish...

Anyway... I had a trigonometry test this morning, and I didn't do so well (I'll let you know as soon as I get the grade) and didn't meet the deadline of two history papers I had due. So it was kind of a crappy day. And I decided to go a lot earlyer to my class and get a chance to practice a little.

Yesterday (monday) I had an amazing day. I spent all morning studying trig with my friends, and then I had a couple of easy classes to attend. After that I went and practiced alone for about an hour and a half and then I had the most intensive class I've ever had. I almost didn't make it through the class... I got home SO tired that I couldn't even find the will to get into the shower. It felt great... it really did.

So, after my crappy day today (I didn't sleep well either), I just went to the gym and started practicing alone, as usual. It was 45 minutes... non-stop. I am used to it, but it was still a little bit tireing.

Oh, well. While I was practicing in a corner of the tatami (the place where we practice) HE was teaching a class to other less advanced students. Now... I didn't have much time, but every time I stopped for a few seconds to regain my breath, I found myself watching him. I tried to take my mind away from him, so I practiced even harder, and yes, it relaxed me a lot. I no longer care about that trigonometry test, or the history papers, or the Algebra test I have on saturday. I just had my mind clear.

Then, after about half and hour, he asked me If I wanted to practice (in a class, of course, with him leading) I said yes, and I assumed that if he invited me to a class there were other people comming. Yeah... I was wrong. It was just the two of us. Alone. Yeah, great for my concentration.

After that we kinda got to talk a little bit, waiting for the senior instructor to come. And I fell for him all over again. He now pushes every thought I have away, and copes my mind like he used to.

And that's not all. Since Lately I've been with a lot, and I MEAN A LOT of stuff going on, I had plenty of things to do, and in my free time I just went to some friend's or something, In the last week or so I didn't get a chance to <not sure if the idea is really acceptable in this forum>. And my sexual tension was up in the sky. So, when the class ended, I was dropping some people, including him... I got hard. Nobody noticed (thankfully) because it was night, and because I hid it the best I could... but The problem is that I got hard because of him. He said something with a sexual tone (joking, of course) and I inmideatly brought up an image to my head... and just that image was enough to get me hard.

I don't know what to do. I don't want to like him in that way... yet I don't want to not like him at all.

I tried to be friends with him, but He's just not too bright (hey, if he was as nerd as I am he would be the perfect guy) and sometimes (most times) he doesn't get my jokes... and that is a bit frustrating.

And the worst of all is that I like him, even though he know nothing about physics, tcp/ip, rpgs. It's like the atraction is physical... but I know way hotter guys, and I don't feel that way when arround them.

Why? whay is a crush? Why does it happen? Why is it that I just want to hug him, to cuddle, to be with him... even if he is not with me, Just being in the same room with him fills me with feeling I've never experience befroe, It's a kind of joy, amusement perhaps, about everything he does, and even some pride about him. What is that? is that love? is that just my mind playing tricks on my trying to channel my sexual tension?

what can I do?

[nisomer]

I think, my friend, that this would be the feeling of love. My opinion is, that if you want to avoid it, stay away as much as possible, and you will soon forget about this feeling (as you did before). Yeah, you will probably be thinking about him for a few days, but it will leave you in time...just try not to be around him. The less you see him, the easier and faster it will be.

[joeyconnick]

Originally Posted by goratrix

I don't know what to do. I don't want to like him in that way... yet I don't want to not like him at all.

I tried to be friends with him, but He's just not too bright (hey, if he was as nerd as I am he would be the perfect guy) and sometimes (most times) he doesn't get my jokes... and that is a bit frustrating.

And the worst of all is that I like him, even though he know nothing about physics, tcp/ip, rpgs. It's like the atraction is physical... but I know way hotter guys, and I don't feel that way when arround them.

Why? whay is a crush? Why does it happen? Why is it that I just want to hug him, to cuddle, to be with him... even if he is not with me, Just being in the same room with him fills me with feeling I've never experience befroe, It's a kind of joy, amusement perhaps, about everything he does, and even some pride about him. What is that? is that love? is that just my mind playing tricks on my trying to channel my sexual tension?

what can I do?

Oh... I replied to one of your other posts with less info than this one. So now i have more of the backstory.

I think you nailed it when you said it was like it was physical. Sometimes we just end up atracted to people who are not a) what we normally consider "attractive" and b) who we don't necessarily like as people. It's called "chemistry," which sounds lame but is quite real in practice. I dated this guy who most people thought looked a bit like a weasel and I had to agree but there was just something so... HOT about him. To me, at least.

The chemistry thing can be quite insane to deal with a) when it's new and b) when you're in your teens and all the chemicals we normally have pumping through us are going insane themselves, in terms of quantity and frequency.

If you don't really like him as a person and you don't have that much in common with him, my opinion is that it's a crush based on (legitimate) sexual attraction. Don't compound the frustration by beating yourself up because you're attracted to someone who you think you shouldn't be attracted to. If you only knew how many stupid-ass jocks I had crushes on in high school... there's no point feeling bad about yourself. Sometimes we're attracted to who we're attracted to and that's that.

Or maybe you see something more in him than he knows about. The thing is, even if you're spot on, you can't really force people to live up to their potential. In fact, falling for what you think someone COULD be is about the worst reason to fall for someone. It's good to see the good in others and to be idealistic (and I definitely don't think being idealistic is the same as being naive, which a lot of people do) but idealising PEOPLE is fraught with problems. People are people... they often don't live up to our standards for them. Or at least a lot of them don't live up to my (admittedly freakishly high) standards for them.

At the end of the day, though, he might not be into you (either because he's straight or because he doesn't feel the same way about you as you do about him). So try not to beat yourself up because of how you're feeling. Just feel it, let it flow through you, don't try to fight it or analyse it... kinda make your peace with it? I don't know if that makes any sense.


P.S. Oh yeah, I'm pretty sure you can say "masturbate" in this forum. But I'm new, so maybe I'm crazy.

[goratrix]

Originally Posted by joeyconnick

Oh... I replied to one of your other posts with less info than this one. So now i have more of the backstory.

I think you nailed it when you said it was like it was physical. Sometimes we just end up atracted to people who are not a) what we normally consider "attractive" and b) who we don't necessarily like as people. It's called "chemistry," which sounds lame but is quite real in practice. I dated this guy who most people thought looked a bit like a weasel and I had to agree but there was just something so... HOT about him. To me, at least.

The chemistry thing can be quite insane to deal with a) when it's new and b) when you're in your teens and all the chemicals we normally have pumping through us are going insane themselves, in terms of quantity and frequency.

Someone told me this a few days ago. I didn't want to belive her... I don't like to believe that there are aspects of my life that I can't voluntarily control. I mean, I usually let go, but the idea that there is something stronger than my mind that can turn me into a mindless-guy is just plain scary for me. It's the first time I've felt this way about anyone... and I'm most certainly not used to it. I guess I'll just let myself go and try to stop thinking... perhaps that's what I am supposed to learn from this...

Originally Posted by joeyconnick

If you don't really like him as a person and you don't have that much in common with him, my opinion is that it's a crush based on (legitimate) sexual attraction. Don't compound the frustration by beating yourself up because you're attracted to someone who you think you shouldn't be attracted to. If you only knew how many stupid-ass jocks I had crushes on in high school... there's no point feeling bad about yourself. Sometimes we're attracted to who we're attracted to and that's that.

Or maybe you see something more in him than he knows about. The thing is, even if you're spot on, you can't really force people to live up to their potential. In fact, falling for what you think someone COULD be is about the worst reason to fall for someone. It's good to see the good in others and to be idealistic (and I definitely don't think being idealistic is the same as being naive, which a lot of people do) but idealising PEOPLE is fraught with problems. People are people... they often don't live up to our standards for them. Or at least a lot of them don't live up to my (admittedly freakishly high) standards for them.

Oh, well... I guess I already knew that... hehe... as I said many times, I know I liked an idealized version of him. But the thing that surprised me the most is how after I destroyed that ideal in my mind I kept liking him just like before... or perhaps even more, because he is now a real person.

Originally Posted by joeyconnick

At the end of the day, though, he might not be into you (either because he's straight or because he doesn't feel the same way about you as you do about him). So try not to beat yourself up because of how you're feeling. Just feel it, let it flow through you, don't try to fight it or analyse it... kinda make your peace with it? I don't know if that makes any sense.

I guess that make sense. I will try to let it flow through me... and I will try to stop thinking... perhaps there is room in my life for a little more feeling... XD

Originally Posted by joeyconnick

P.S. Oh yeah, I'm pretty sure you can say "masturbate" in this forum. But I'm new, so maybe I'm crazy.

Yeah, I know... I was being sarcastic... I do that a lot, and most of the times people don't get it. I just like to joke with those things...

Anyway, thanks a lot for this reply.

[joeyconnick]

Originally Posted by goratrix

Someone told me this a few days ago. I didn't want to belive her... I don't like to believe that there are aspects of my life that I can't voluntarily control. I mean, I usually let go, but the idea that there is something stronger than my mind that can turn me into a mindless-guy is just plain scary for me. It's the first time I've felt this way about anyone... and I'm most certainly not used to it. I guess I'll just let myself go and try to stop thinking... perhaps that's what I am supposed to learn from this...

Well... feelings and physical reactions aren't like thoughts. You can't really "control" them the same way. Probably even calling it "control" is a bit misleading.

I mean, you're totally in charge of your behaviour and how you ACT upon what's going on inside. It's not like you're some kind of hormone-driven zombie... you get to be the one who chooses how you act upon what you're feeling. What I was trying to get at is that focussing on trying to fight how you're feeling prevents you from focussing on the much more important thing, which is what you decide to do about how you're feeling. It's doesn't do any good to be all, "Oh my gosh, I can't feel like this" and try to go into denial over it.

Originally Posted by goratrix

Anyway, thanks a lot for this reply.

You're welcome.

[goratrix]

I know I have control over my acts (most of the times anyway). And I guess that what scares me the most is that I don't have control over my feelings. Then again, feelings are what makes us human.

I guess I'll just have to let it all happen, deal with things as they come up, trying not to worry too much. And eventually tell him I'm gay.

I promised myself that I would tell him the day I recieved my first degree black belt certification.

That gives me two years at least... Anyway,I think I'll be out sooner. And perhaps telling them (the taekwondo group) will be one of the hardest. I guess I'll use the same method. I'll just tell my closest friends first and with their support tell the others... oh.. . sorry, I said I wasn't going to worry that much... heh...