I found this site a few days ago and posted an introduction. As I am reading through posts, I am beginning to wonder if I am losing my mind or just coming to terms with me. There seem to be a lot of very young people on this site and I commend them for finding their voice so early in life. I feel as though I am just starting to find mine. I know there are no real signs of being gay or lesbian. I don't like stereotypes but sometimes I wish there was a list I could check off and say "yup, I'm gay" or "sorry but it's just a bi thing". I get so tired of not being able to identify with the "community". I'm in my mid thirties and I don't feel like I should have a secret decoder ring or a password to find my way. I'm frustrated and scared. I want to come out, I'm afraid that I'm going to lose my job if I do. I keep wondering where all this community support is when I feel like I'm not gay enough to fit in and in the straight world I don't fit. How do I figure this shit out? Seriously, I hate that I can't take my girlfriend to company events but I get strange looks when she sends me flowers at work. No one knows and even if I've slipped up on my verbage (terminology that's not gender specific) I feel like there is some definite tension. I feel kind of all over the place tonight. Thanks for taking the time to read my random rambling. Good night!
"sorry but it's just a bi thing"....?? do you, for some reason, feel that being bi is "just a thing"? that it's lesser than being gay? or is this something that someone else has said or hinted at to you...? i'm a little confused by your post. you say you don't feel gay enough to fit into the (LGBT?) community, but that you also don't fit in with the straight word, and yet you have a girlfriend about whom you would like to come out at work, but are afraid of possible repercussions. it seems like you're struggling with internal (and possibly external?) biphobia and general acceptance of yourself. am i correct...? many of us here have been through the same thing and it is, indeed, very hard. either way, welcome to EC. this place is great for getting stuff off your chest, self-discovery and support. stick around and you'll see that you'll find that you're definitely not alone on your journey towards self-acceptance and discovery.
I have been led to believe that the "bi" label is not openly accepted. I have some friends that are lesbian couples and they have added to that stigma of being bi is not fully supported in the community. My girlfriend has also added to that stigma when we have had discussions about sexuality and coming out. About coming to terms with oneself. About being accepted. She is much more active in the community and identifies more with being a lesbian although she has not come out. It's very hard on me as I am used to living my life in the open. I never once questioned who I was until now. When I dated women in the past, I never questioned what was happening. Or who I was because of it. I just accepted myself as I am and the other people in my life as they were. Now I feel like there is a ton of pressure about it. I definitely feel some pressure at work. I want to live my life out in the open. I'm afraid that there will be repercussions because I don't think my small office is as progressive and open minded as they like to believe they are. It's very much about appearances. And being under that umbrella of what the public sees as "normal" is definitely a tone I am picking up loud and clear. As for my girlfriend, her decision on not coming out is hard on me. How can I live my life out in the open if she is t ready to do the same? Aren't I outing her when I'm choosing to be open about who I am with and who I love? I'm very torn about it all. Like I said, I've never questioned who I was before. Now it seems that I'm reaching a place in my life where I feel like I have to pick sides and I don't really fit. I am definitely having some struggles with identity myself.
the stigmas and stereotypes that you've been facing are part of biphobia (ie. crap like "you're bisexual? great! let's have a threesome!") and monosexism (ie. crap like "you're either straight or gay. pick a side!"), which sadly can be found in both the LGBT community and in the world at large. it's so common that if you Google the two words or search EmptyClosets for them, you will find tons of information on it. people who spout such crap are generally ignorant, just like the people who think that being gay is just a lifestyle choice. how horrible it must be to not only be hearing that crap from your friends, but also from your partner... that really makes me mad/sad. what right does she or anyone else have to question or belittle your sexuality??? UGH... i'm really sorry that you've had to deal with all that and are now struggling because of it. whether in the end you choose to self-identify as bisexual or not, i highly recommend that you do some research on the history of bisexuality and on biphobia. i think that the more you know about these things the easier it will be to come to accept yourself and to educate the people around you. bisexuality is just as valid a sexuality as hetersexuality or homosexuality and it has just as strong and vibrant a history as them both, although it isn't as well known due to bisexual erasure. being bisexual is something to be proud of! if you try to educate your partner about it these things and she continues to pressure you or not believe you, then... i would seriously question if it's worth having someone like that in your life. she should be supportive of you and understanding, not weighing you down. about your work place... i'm not sure what to say. it's really hard to judge how people will take things, but going by what you've said i would be cautious about coming out at work as well. however, i would say first things first, you need to be come to terms with yourself first before you bring on the pressure of other people's opinions. i think that if you do come out at your office and reactions turn out to not be as you had hoped, it will be much easier to deal with those reactions if you are more confident in who you are. about your partner still being in the closet, that does complicate things a little. it wouldn't be impossible to come out to your office without also announcing who your partner is, thus leaving her in the closet. however, if your end goal is to be able to bring her to company events, well.... that would be totally dependent upon her coming out of the closet, which you can't force her to do. even so, you shouldn't let her closetedness stop you from coming out if and when you are ready to. you will just have to leave her out of it if that's what she wants. perhaps in time you two can work on her coming out of the closet together, but i think there are other things that need addressing first. err... sorry this ended up being so long. in closing, here are some links that may be of interest to you. hope this helps. Wipe Out Biphobia - Snippet #5: Internalized biphobia in intimate relationships | Bi radical http://emptyclosets.com/forum/chit-chat/73402-bisexual-hatred.html http://emptyclosets.com/forum/support-advice/61922-biphobia.html http://emptyclosets.com/forum/lgbt-...ne-know-any-good-articles-about-biphobia.html
Why are you afraid of being fired? Do you work in a hostile environment? Most companies have policies and there are certain laws to protect you from this type of thing. Also, in terms of coming out, I found it took the burden off of me to simply and causually (the best I could) slip it into general conversation while avoiding any labels (i.e. gay). For example, instead of feeling you have to announce, "I am a lesbian," in conversation you could say, "my girlfriend" and you would have "outed" yourself in a more indirect and casual way. I really prefer this way...why should I have to announce my orientation to people? Afterall, straight people don't have to say, "I am straight and my girlfriend/boyfriend did such-and-such over the weekend." Actually, when I came out to my mother, I told her I am coming to the house the over the weekend to visit her and the person I am dating is coming with me and I then said, "my date is a guy."
Hi, Regarding work... What does sexual preference have to do with work? In my opinion work is work and the bedroom is the bedroom and even porn stars don't mix their personal life with business. Look at it another way... Of all the people you work with how many of them do you know in what stule they decorate their homes? Do you care how they decorate their homes? Is it any of your business in the final analysis? If one liked "colonial" fixtures would you think less of them? What if one stood on their office chair jumping up and down shouting "I love colonial style" would you find that odd? I see no reason for your sexual preference to enter the workplace. No problem. Stuck
I agree completely about my private life being private. It seems to complicate things when my girlfriend sent me flowers at work. The gesture was completely heartfelt and appreciated but it led to the questions of "who sent you those?" And "tell us about him". As neutral as I try to be, it's hard to play the word game. I hate not being able to say my girlfriend. It's also a problem for her because of her career. So I'm as stuck in the closet as it seems. I know I have to distance myself from those kinds of questions and keep things on a professional level. At least until I can come to terms with things myself. I appreciate the links! I will do my research and see what I can find about myself and the history of these roles. I cannot express enough gratitude for the help and advice. I think I need to come to terms with me before I can address some of these other issues with my girlfriend. She is wonderful and brilliant, but sometimes we don't exactly see things the same way. Thanks again! I welcome any and all perspectives!
Hi, Matter of fact businesses are spending millions every year on workplace education to keep sex out of the workplace because it gets very expensive; I would bet you every business owner prefers that sex stays at home. It is only good business sense. Stuck
