Dazed and confused - Empty Closets - A safe online community for gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgendered people coming out

Easy · 13th Apr 2005, 12:32 PM

HI All,

I'd appreciate your feedback on my sisuation. I meet my best mate in our local sports club. I was 25 and he was 29. I had never been with a guy but this was love / lust at first sight with John. He is a tall rugby player, fit, handsome and hung. Women want to be with him and guys admired him and want to be his mate. I think he suspected I was attarcted to him. We became best mates and have a very close relationship total trust discussing business matters and confidances.
We have been in threesome together a couple of times. He has always tacktile with me but I think it might be just his way. When we were last with a girl together I grabed his cock and he didn't stop me so I felt his balls I think he was getting off on it but I didn't want to go to fast and risk an important friendship. To be honest I think I was in love with him for about 6 - 7 years.In recent acitivity trips 8 years down the road when we are alone he has been testing the water in what I took to be gay way. Saying he is horny and we have masterbated together. The first time he sugessted the first to come does it over the otherperson and he came over me. The next trip it went a little further.I have had encounters with guys but noone knows. I haven't ever gone to a gay club or bar, mostly sauns when I'm drunk.I haven't been in a relationship with agirl in about 5 years. I think most people think I'm gay. But appart from random and infrequent encounters I'm celibate and in denial about my true orienation.My attitude to John was if he wants to fuck he can dam well say so I'm not going to and be the fag that hits on him. I expect him to at least meet we half way with the emotional / social risk. Last weekend after a big party we were both drunk and again he says he's horny and test the waters I always encourage him to go furthur. I'm driving and he takes out his cock and starts slowly wanking. I saying what a great cock and that I was horny. We pullover start fooling around.He wanted me to grab his ass and rub my cock over his ass. I sucked his cock. It freaked me out beacuse up till now I contained my gay encounters now this was someone in my social circle who could out me.
What do you all think.

goratrix · 13th Apr 2005, 01:29 PM

Well. I take it for your post that you are not out.

However, you say that you still don't accept your sexuality. The only advice I will give you, is take it easy, let him make the next move. Try not to make alcohol a factor. It seems that you are always drunk when you have these experiences. Also, and that's my BFN talkin, DONT DRINK AND DRIVE! EVER! FOR NO REASON AT ALL!.

And if you find the strength to finally accept you sexual orientation, and be comfortable with it. Then I guess that would be the time to come out to him. He doesn't seem extremely disgusted with male-male relations... so... I guess he'd take it all right.

Easy · 15th Apr 2005, 10:19 AM

Thanks for the advice. The dui isn't the norm for me.( big slap on the hand for me then) I think your right, I'll just see how things develop. I have already told him that I've fooled around with guys. My problem is that I think it's natural to be with a guy, but I'm from a large close family who may not see things as I do. So I don't wish to alienate myself with open lifestyle choices.

Thanks again.

joeyconnick · 15th Apr 2005, 12:57 PM

Hey there,

My experience has been that if you depend on someone else to "make the first/next move," you are setting yourself up for disappointment because you are essentially putting your happiness/satisfaction completely in their hands.

Putting aside your pseudo-relationship with this guy, it sounds like your primary concern should be coming to grips with your sexuality, which does not sound very hetero. While it may seem unusual at this point to be coming out in your early 30s, it definitely still happens and you're definitely going to be facing a lot of the same issues that someone will if they come out earlier in life. But yeah, I would advise coming out and maybe meeting up with some real-life actual gay people as opposed to occasionally getting it on with your sexuality-indeterminate best friend.

Talking about your sexual orientation online is definitely useful but actually talking to people who are supportive and not going to freak out at you because you're into guys will feel, I predict, pretty amazing. Many people describe coming out as a feeling of having a huge weight lifted from them--I know that's how it felt to me.

Any major city will have resources specifically for gay people, and a big chunk of those resources will often focus on coming out because it's the most common thing that all gay people face--how to accept and reconcile their feelings for "members of the same sex." Many people seek out resources in neighbouring cities so that the chance they'll be found out at first is lessened.

Another thing to keep in mind is that whatever your current concepts of how "fags" are or what they do, chances are there's a lot more diversity to gay people than you're aware of. It's not all "Queer As Folk/Will and Grace/Queer Eye for the Straight Guy." There's a whole range of ways that gay people live and oraganise their lives, and a whole lot of different things that various gay people consider important. In fact, gay people as a group or community of people often struggle to find their commonalities because in a lot of cases, many people feel the only thing a group of random gay guys, for example, has in common is that they fall in love and have sex with other men.

(Personally I think there are some more commonalities than those ones but that's definitely the big obvious one; the others are a lot more subtle.)

So you might be a lot better off asking yourself the big overarching questions (like "I like guys so what am I gonna do with that?") rather than the more immediate ones (like "How do I get into my friend's pants on a regular basis?"). Chances are if you keep having sex with this guy, someone will eventually find out, and you'll be way better off if you've done some prep work on the bigger-picture stuff.

Hope that helps!

Easy · 17th Apr 2005, 03:28 AM

Thanks joeyconnick.
I really appericate the time and thought you put into your reply. I think a fantasy of mine has been to be with him and it may just have been a way of keeping the question of my sexuality in a bubble.
Food for thought thanks.
I say him last night, it was the first time to see each other since the party last weekend. God I was nervous and I did think things between us were a bit strained. O well.

joeyconnick · 17th Apr 2005, 11:41 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Easy

Thanks joeyconnick.
I really appericate the time and thought you put into your reply. I think a fantasy of mine has been to be with him and it may just have been a way of keeping the question of my sexuality in a bubble.
Food for thought thanks.
I say him last night, it was the first time to see each other since the party last weekend. God I was nervous and I did think things between us were a bit strained. O well.

Hey you're welcome. I'm sure most of the people here have been extremely wrapped up in their attraction to someone at some point or another. I know I have.

I hope things between you and your friend get more comfortable.

Easy · 19th Apr 2005, 12:26 PM

Just thought I'd give a update. We talked on the phone today. I just said that I thought it was an awkward meeting on the weekend. I felt it was a load off beacuse he was totaly cool wasn't judgemental at all. We laughted about it. Friendship intacked. I didn't realise how much I valued the friendship until I thought it was spoiled.
I think I'll step back and clear my own haed first.

It's cool being able to express yourself to people equiped to relate.
Thanks.

13th Apr 2005, 12:32 PM	#1
Easy Newbie Regular Member Age: 41 Posts: 4 Join Date: Apr 2005	Dazed and confused HI All, I'd appreciate your feedback on my sisuation. I meet my best mate in our local sports club. I was 25 and he was 29. I had never been with a guy but this was love / lust at first sight with John. He is a tall rugby player, fit, handsome and hung. Women want to be with him and guys admired him and want to be his mate. I think he suspected I was attarcted to him. We became best mates and have a very close relationship total trust discussing business matters and confidances. We have been in threesome together a couple of times. He has always tacktile with me but I think it might be just his way. When we were last with a girl together I grabed his cock and he didn't stop me so I felt his balls I think he was getting off on it but I didn't want to go to fast and risk an important friendship. To be honest I think I was in love with him for about 6 - 7 years.In recent acitivity trips 8 years down the road when we are alone he has been testing the water in what I took to be gay way. Saying he is horny and we have masterbated together. The first time he sugessted the first to come does it over the otherperson and he came over me. The next trip it went a little further.I have had encounters with guys but noone knows. I haven't ever gone to a gay club or bar, mostly sauns when I'm drunk.I haven't been in a relationship with agirl in about 5 years. I think most people think I'm gay. But appart from random and infrequent encounters I'm celibate and in denial about my true orienation.My attitude to John was if he wants to fuck he can dam well say so I'm not going to and be the fag that hits on him. I expect him to at least meet we half way with the emotional / social risk. Last weekend after a big party we were both drunk and again he says he's horny and test the waters I always encourage him to go furthur. I'm driving and he takes out his cock and starts slowly wanking. I saying what a great cock and that I was horny. We pullover start fooling around.He wanted me to grab his ass and rub my cock over his ass. I sucked his cock. It freaked me out beacuse up till now I contained my gay encounters now this was someone in my social circle who could out me. What do you all think. Last edited by Easy; 13th Apr 2005 at 12:37 PM..

13th Apr 2005, 01:29 PM	#2
goratrix EC Addict Full Member Age: 25 Posts: 570 Join Date: Apr 2005	Well. I take it for your post that you are not out. However, you say that you still don't accept your sexuality. The only advice I will give you, is take it easy, let him make the next move. Try not to make alcohol a factor. It seems that you are always drunk when you have these experiences. Also, and that's my BFN talkin, DONT DRINK AND DRIVE! EVER! FOR NO REASON AT ALL!. And if you find the strength to finally accept you sexual orientation, and be comfortable with it. Then I guess that would be the time to come out to him. He doesn't seem extremely disgusted with male-male relations... so... I guess he'd take it all right. __________________ Cicciux Back from beyond. A different dog.

15th Apr 2005, 10:19 AM	#3
Easy Newbie Regular Member Age: 41 Posts: 4 Join Date: Apr 2005	Thanks for the advice. The dui isn't the norm for me.( big slap on the hand for me then) I think your right, I'll just see how things develop. I have already told him that I've fooled around with guys. My problem is that I think it's natural to be with a guy, but I'm from a large close family who may not see things as I do. So I don't wish to alienate myself with open lifestyle choices. Thanks again.

15th Apr 2005, 12:57 PM	#4
joeyconnick sine qua non Full Member Gender: Male Orientation: Gay Out Status: Out to everyone Location: Toronto, ON Posts: 3,332 Join Date: Apr 2005	Hey there, My experience has been that if you depend on someone else to "make the first/next move," you are setting yourself up for disappointment because you are essentially putting your happiness/satisfaction completely in their hands. Putting aside your pseudo-relationship with this guy, it sounds like your primary concern should be coming to grips with your sexuality, which does not sound very hetero. While it may seem unusual at this point to be coming out in your early 30s, it definitely still happens and you're definitely going to be facing a lot of the same issues that someone will if they come out earlier in life. But yeah, I would advise coming out and maybe meeting up with some real-life actual gay people as opposed to occasionally getting it on with your sexuality-indeterminate best friend. Talking about your sexual orientation online is definitely useful but actually talking to people who are supportive and not going to freak out at you because you're into guys will feel, I predict, pretty amazing. Many people describe coming out as a feeling of having a huge weight lifted from them--I know that's how it felt to me. Any major city will have resources specifically for gay people, and a big chunk of those resources will often focus on coming out because it's the most common thing that all gay people face--how to accept and reconcile their feelings for "members of the same sex." Many people seek out resources in neighbouring cities so that the chance they'll be found out at first is lessened. Another thing to keep in mind is that whatever your current concepts of how "fags" are or what they do, chances are there's a lot more diversity to gay people than you're aware of. It's not all "Queer As Folk/Will and Grace/Queer Eye for the Straight Guy." There's a whole range of ways that gay people live and oraganise their lives, and a whole lot of different things that various gay people consider important. In fact, gay people as a group or community of people often struggle to find their commonalities because in a lot of cases, many people feel the only thing a group of random gay guys, for example, has in common is that they fall in love and have sex with other men. (Personally I think there are some more commonalities than those ones but that's definitely the big obvious one; the others are a lot more subtle.) So you might be a lot better off asking yourself the big overarching questions (like "I like guys so what am I gonna do with that?") rather than the more immediate ones (like "How do I get into my friend's pants on a regular basis?"). Chances are if you keep having sex with this guy, someone will eventually find out, and you'll be way better off if you've done some prep work on the bigger-picture stuff. Hope that helps!

17th Apr 2005, 03:28 AM	#5
Easy Newbie Regular Member Age: 41 Posts: 4 Join Date: Apr 2005	Thanks joeyconnick. I really appericate the time and thought you put into your reply. I think a fantasy of mine has been to be with him and it may just have been a way of keeping the question of my sexuality in a bubble. Food for thought thanks. I say him last night, it was the first time to see each other since the party last weekend. God I was nervous and I did think things between us were a bit strained. O well.

19th Apr 2005, 12:26 PM	#7
Easy Newbie Regular Member Age: 41 Posts: 4 Join Date: Apr 2005	Just thought I'd give a update. We talked on the phone today. I just said that I thought it was an awkward meeting on the weekend. I felt it was a load off beacuse he was totaly cool wasn't judgemental at all. We laughted about it. Friendship intacked. I didn't realise how much I valued the friendship until I thought it was spoiled. I think I'll step back and clear my own haed first. It's cool being able to express yourself to people equiped to relate. Thanks.