Problem Player Issues & Gender Identity in D&D

Trigger warnings for (brief, non-explicit) mention of rape below the jump.

Spoiler

So I've been DMing games occasionally for my school's GSA for a few years now - college level - and I've had a good time of it. Now I'm trying to get a campaign going, but I'm having some issues with one of my players.

R is 38, and a biologically male transgender woman. (I'm 18, btw.) She's been in several of my games, one of my more consistent players, and also one of my more experienced - although she does VtM and Second Edition, and I do 3.5, she's still a big help, if a bit rulesy for my taste.

However, I have an issue with R.

She has a very... particular character, one that I'm not really that comfortable with DMing. She enjoys playing young (14-18) female characters, usually elves or catfolk, who have been enslaved and only recently escaped, but who are still 'broken' from their captivity. She prefers them to have clear signs of their previous status, like collars or brands, and the backstories often have a kind of... rapey subtext, I guess you could call it? I pulled her aside at the first game I DMed with her, and said that that particular aspect of things was a hard limit for me, and I wouldn't DM a rape victim character, and she said that that wasn't her intent, but it's pretty clearly implied in the backstory, although she does usually reign it in.

However, this whole thing makes me really, really uncomfortable. I feel bad, because if R was bio!fem, I don't think I would have an issue with it. But the fact remains that, despite the leotards and skirts she wears, when I look at R I see a balding middle-aged man, and it makes me extremely uncomfortable.

A big part of this, I feel, is my own personal hang-ups. I've let bio!fem players play characters with back-stories that were far more explicit when it came to sexual abuse - it's never made me feel uncomfortable like this; but I've also never felt uncomfortable with my other trans- players. At the same time, I am DMing for a GSA - I don't want to tell someone, "No, you can't play this character because I am not comfortable with your gender choices," but at the same time, this isn't something I'm going to get used to. I've DMed this character eight or nine times, and it still skives me out.

Also, I feel like the game is being used to deal with some issues that I'm not really comfortable dealing with. The collar gives me very strong bondage overtones, and there is an enforced master-slave element that I'm not sure I can handle, especially when the characters are young girls. At the same time, R is very resistant to suggestions to play a different character - I managed to convince her to play a slave-courtesan, rather than a low-ranked slave, once, but she was irritated by the lack of limitations and controls placed on the character by her owners.

None of my other players have voiced concerns about this to me, but I've only got one player who's played with R and I more than once. I need to know how to handle this - I don't want to have to deal with this character; it makes me uncomfortable in ways that I shouldn't have to feel in what's supposed to be a safe and supportive group, to the point I almost would rather not DM if I have to DM her, but at the same time, I feel like I should also be supportive - it's pretty clear that, whatever the hangups she's got that make her repeat this same character over and over, it's pretty major for R. And I don't want to be excluded from the GSA if everybody feels I'm being transphobic - we had someone coming to the Pride Room last year that we wound up needing a restraining order against because he wouldn't stop shouting transphobic slurs at some of our members, and it's kind of left everyone a bit defensive about that...

In the end, I can't help but look at R when she RPs this character and seeing a middle-aged man playing an abused little girl: I think age is also a really big part of this. Most of my players who have wanted to have rape in their backstories have been playing adults - the only one who hasn't was seventeen, and was playing a 16yo, which is understandable. And I also get a very fetishy vibe off of it, which I'm not really sure how to handle; but at the same time, I'm not sure if it's something I'm imagining, or something that my player's will pick up on too... My games are very RP heavy, and it's not really something easy for me to change, especially in a longer campaign - I DM to tell a story, and that's why my players play with me, but this isn't a story I can tell comfortably.

I think my issue is partially that I'm having a hard time separating the two. I want to tell R that she can't play this character and that it makes me uncomfortable, but at the same time, I'm trying to make sure that it's not misinterpreted as having a go at her gender choices. As much as I hate to say it, I feel like a big part of it is appearance; R looks like a man despite her leotard, balding middle-agedness and all, and that doesn't make me comfortable with her playing such young girls - if a cis!male were trying to play this character, it'd be a hard limit no for me, and I don't know if I'd ever be comfortable playing with them again... or introducing them to my little sis. Most of my cis!fem players are actually Women's Club members (like 90% of our school's gamers are in the gender/sexuality clubs) and so they're very sensitive about using rape as a backstory - usually, they prefer strong women overcoming the challenges, not broken victims. Likewise, people who want to be escaped slaves are usually more interested in the "killed all the slavers and escaped into the night after taking bloody vengance" type of backstory - they usually get annoyed by any sort of attempt to control PCs by the NPCs, which is fine by me...

Any suggestions?

 

DM and DMing are Dungeon Master(ing). It's the storyteller role in D&D and other paper&pencil RPGs - you narrate, make rules decisions, and control NPCs. This game is being run for my GSA - as I mentioned, the vast majority of LGBTect persons at my school are into D&D & gaming, so we run our own games within the GSA & Pride Alliance, as well as with the Woman's Group.

 

The thing is, there's no explicit or direct mention of rape - like I said, I killed that one at the outset. It's more the strong emphasis on master-slave relationships, and the bondage elements like the collar - especially when the character is so young, and the interest is in a "broken" victim, rather than, say, a strong character overcoming a tragic past. But those things tend to imply sexual abuse, at least to me, when the character is young and female - no offense to guys, but an abused male slave tends to make me think more rebellious scamp or defiant rebel; an abused female slave makes me think rape victim, although I understand that boys can be raped too.

I have several trans! players, and I've never had this issue with any of them - most prefer more standard characters, and they are also much closer to me in age. I'm more worried about the way other people, R in particular, will view this - I don't think it's appropriate, but at the same time, our GSA can be very hostile if they feel like someone's being attacked for their identity, and we've had serious issues with transphobia recently; I don't want to be ostracized from the group because people who don't play with us decide that I'm being unfair to R because she's trans, even though her character is much different in scope than those I've allowed. I rely on the GSA for support, too, even though I'm not out to them as asexual yet - I'm worried that being thought of as a straight ally makes me more prone to being thought of as biased and an outsider, and R has been in the GSA for almost four years longer than I have... They'd probably support her over me, if it came down to it.

 

I think that the age is more my issue than her gender - but it'd still be uncomfortable if it were a bio!fem person, just not necessarily as viscerally awful to me, and it would be easier to approach. The gender issue just makes things more complicated - like I said, she can be really touchy about things she thinks are because she's bio!male, and at the same time, I know that her gender does play a role in it - like I said, when she's playing this character, no matter how I see her in my everyday life, I can't help but see an almost 40yo guy playing a teenage rape victim. Please don't be offended, anyone, but this is something I'm trying to be honest about - it doesn't help that she really, really looks like a middle-aged man, despite the skirts - stubble, balding, unkempt long hair, no padding, that sort of thing; it sounds pretty awful, but visually the leap to creepy old man is much easier than that to woman, and it makes it hard to associate her as a female RPing a preteen/teenage girl, rather than a man (RPing a preteen/teenaged girl); I think that that's part of it for me. I'm trying to be fair to R by figuring how much of this is my own feelings about gender and how much is that it is legitimately creepy before I approach her and put us both into a potentially contentious situation; if I'm acting irrationally based on my own bias, I'll sit on my hands, but if this is reasonable, I want to address it so that I don't have to feel uncomfortable in my own game.

And I'm not out to my GSA for a couple reasons - I've gotten lots of bad, and sometimes very hostile, reactions to telling people that I'm asexual before. Most people I've met can't understand it, or assume I can't have a meaningful relationship with anyone because of it; and if I come out, I'll be the only out asexual at my school. It's not a risk I'm comfortable taking, especially when my own sister doesn't know...