hello :)

hi everyone .... i am not sure how to start, where to start .... i guess the point is to simply start
as i am experiencing a major change of my life right now i have also taken on some in deep issues that affected me for quite some time and now i finally deal with them. i have closed my eyes to this one, put it aside for later, ignored it but fact is it keeps coming back to me. i keep questioning whether i'm really only straight or if there's more.
i have only been in relationships with men so far but was really in love with a girl when i was 16. i even kissed her at a party one time but it was kind of a dare between us girls. everyone had to kiss another girl and i got to kiss the one i really liked at the time. i remember that i totally enjoyed it. we had these little touches going on for a while, hugs, small kisses on the lips, holding hands but all as just friends. it was kind of normal among the girls at the time but for me it was more than that. i tried to not let it show and never talked to anyone about it but my diary was full of her.
anyway, school passed, we lost touch but all throughout my life i have found women attractive. i find them way more beautiful than men. i have also had dreams about women and when i woke up i felt totally insecure and scared of what this meant?? i never took it seriously though, told myself it was just a dream. nothing more. and put it aside, continuing with my life as i knew it.
i have now just ended another relationship with a men, somehow they never work out, something's always missing. and my questions about whether i'm bi or whatever always come back. i started thinking, is it really just that i always pick the wrong guys or is there maybe more to it?
i really don't know what to do about it. i am in a totally straight circle, don't know any lesbians but i am attrackted to the idea of living with a woman. i just don't know how i should approach these feelings. i am scared to go to a lesbian place because i am miles and miles from coming out, i don't even know what all this means, i am basically very confused.
the reason i came on here is that i hope to find people who share the experience and can maybe tell me what's going on, whether all this means something and what did you do when you started taking your curiosities more seriously?
i start to think, the only way to know for sure is to actually try it out - i made out once with a girl but i was totally drunk that night, so i can't really say if it was the alcohol that influenced me? all i know is that i found the experience very exciting but then figured, it's kind of normal now for girls to experiment - but does it have to mean something?
i am definitely not ready to just walk into a gay bar or club and see what happens. i'm too scared for this. so maybe anyone has a piece of advice or something .... i realize i sound confused, so i'll stop now and thank you all for reading and the possibility to talk to someone about my feelings!!
take care everyone

 

thanks everyone for your warm welcomes!!

ScootalooBanzai, what you wrote about denial and confusion, i'm reading it over and over again and really letting it sink in. personal expectations, how things "have to be" .... definitely something i will reflect on. maybe i'm still somehow "programmed" and expecting to one day have the barbie & ken dream wedding maybe that's just not it for me, maybe i'm the one who's holding me back through these unreflected beliefs.
thanks a lot, these words you wrote are opening up another universe for me at the moment. you are right, i have experience in another forum with another topic and opening up to people who go through the same feelings helps in so many ways!

again, thanks a lot!