I'd like to hear from other 'late bloomers.' I'm 72. Have been married twice. Two children. 50 years of pretty satistactory hetero sex. But there's always been someting left out. Something awakened with news a few months ago of the death of friend I knew from eary childhood into my 20's. Saw (seems not that long ago) in a reunion for his 60's birthday. The news of his death was a blow I could not have anticipated... and woke in me a realization that, not only did I love him... I was in love. Had been early on. We never had sex. The usual early adolescent masterbation sessions... but had we, had he been receptive, I think my whole life might have taken a different turn. I did have sex with boys... 11 or 12 years old. Never fully consumated. I wanted. They didn't. This was the early 50's. A different world. I live in a sort of 'commune' --as sexually diverse as possible, 12 to 20 people living in an old warehouse. So I've listend to people tell their stories... from any orientation you can pin label on. I know, there are those who KNOW, without doubt or question--one way. Boys who always liked boys. I was more on the cusp. I was attracted to women, maybe more than I would have been in a world that didn't expect that of me, but it's wasn't false. I wasn't in a closet. But those 11, 12 year old experiments, and that I was... secretely, even to myself, in love... profoundly in love with a boy... this never left me. I'm 72. An activist. An artist. I've started my life over... like, all my life. And living in a family of wonderfully crazy queer trans radical fairies...and open accepting straight housemates... made this ever so much easier. Since hearing of the death of my friend... my never would be lover... my erotic fantasy life has been, obsesively, and persistently homo erot... of fuck that. About men. Penises. Affection and touch, the kind that sex releases and makes possible by erasing the inhibitioins. Other than those pre-pubescent cock sucking not quite to finish sessions...I'm a gay virgin. No, I am NOT 'bi-curious' or any of those awful (to me) labels. I want. I desire. Though it only ever live in my fantasy--if the chemestry were right, the person compatable, I so so want this. Again, yes, for the sex. Always for the sex... but for the affection, the touch... all that is made possible... by sex. I've told people where I live. I left revealing messages on FB. I'm not ashamed or in any way inclined to hide...though it makes me anxious. I mean, like anyone. I want to be accepted. I fear rejection. (Oh, you're not REALLY gay! You haven't experienced the rejection, the... )... and I haven't. I don't want to claim the victimization. I just want the company. And even if I don't find it. I want to be open. Ecorche vif... skinned, if that's what it takes. Look at me. This is what I am. What I have become. Has anyone on this site (I love all the rules left here... they make perfect sense)... at close to my age, gone though this? Oh... after a late night confession in our kitchen, someone wrote on the chalk board: "Who is to say that you can't come out to your slut phase at 70!" I almost broke into tears... ---------- Post added 4th Aug 2013 at 03:45 PM ---------- Is it ok if I post the text of this message elsewhere, without mention of this site?
Welcome to the EC forum! I'm sorry for the loss of your friend. I wish I could offer you company in person. Hopefully you will find a bit of what you're looking for here.
Your life sound outrageously interesting, and your path to self-discovery wonderful. I loved your description of how you are adopted into a family of diversity. It sounds great. I'm by no means a late bloomer, but my father was. He came out after a divorce and three children in his late 40's. He is extremely happy now! I'm sorry for the loss of your friend. I hope you experience every one of your desires. Welcome to empty closets!
Thanks for the replies... kinda anxious making, taking your skin off, but that's the best reason to come out--no other way to find support and confirmation for who and what you are, if you're hiding out of a false sense of protecting yourself.
Seem to have broken through the anxiety barrier... moving toward accpetace. So fortunate to be living in a collective of trans/gay/les...every color of the spectrum. I'm guessing there is a similar pattern in coming out... like the stages of mourning. Has anyone written about this?
Thank you for your story. I am younger than you but have also been married, happily I might say, and fathered a child. I am now divorced and realize that I am gay. Not an easy thing to acknowledge, but one that I hope I can come to accept over time. Hearing your story gives me hope that I too can find happiness for being myself.
Hi and welcome. I like your story and absolutely love your style of writing. I am kind of latebloomer myself, but with very different problems. Anyway, I hope that you will enjoy the change in your lifestyle
Still trying to relate two marriages, and at times, passioate hetero sex life with where my mind and body want to be now. It makes me wonder whether some of that passion was displaced--a kind of blocking off or redirecting this side of myself. But that's a minor thing at this point in the rewriting of my life narrative. ---------- Post added 6th Aug 2013 at 07:06 AM ---------- I woke up this morning, my gut not tied in knots of anxiety, not cursing myself "you stupid asshole, you fucking this or that" ... which I'd find myself doing just walking down the street. This has been a long journey. I only yesterday called to mind a short story I wrote--one that was selected for a reading by InterAct Theater... about a man in mid-life, married with a child, who comes out of the closet. I wrote that 8 years ago. In imagination we see ourselves... to paraphrase Wallace Stevens... more truely, and more truely strange.
you just put a huge smile on my face. Thanks I so wish I could read some of your work. As I said, your style is so close to mine, and I love it. But that's OK. I hope you will stay and post more about your experiences It's nice to hear you are feeling better about yourself.
I went to a meet with a group of older gay men. Ha! I could not have been more out of place, with my can-tab earrings and can-tab bling, my outrageously adorned spirit stick, bandana and broad brimed hat--paint on my cheekbones. A room full of men in polo shirts button down collar retiree uniforms... talking, for an hour. About BANKS. Checking accounts. What was your experience at TD, or BOA... just waiting for some one to mention Wells Fargo. Hee! Would have raised my hand and told I was arrested for sitting in at WF--protesting their theft of millions from the city of Phila. and the Phila School District (found not guilty in a jury trial--on the basis of our protest doing less damange that the bank's practices we were there to protest) I won't, and can't judge these men. They have lived through very difficult times, and surely have experienced difficulties I never had to face, and can't even imagine. On the other hand, it is incomprehesible to me how someone who has felt the cruely inherent in this so-called civilization, cruelty that strikes at the core of one's identity, would want to, or even feel comfortable blending in, become a part of this Empire of Money & Death. They were polite and kind. But no thanks. Where are the Old Queer anarchist collectives? Ancient Radical Fairies? Queer Revolutionary Wierdos? I'm glad that I went, but I can see this is going to be an interesting journey... and not easy to find someone close to my age I will feel comfortable around... or who will feel comfortable around me! I guess I've been Queer long before I came out as gay, and I will never want to 'blend in.'
