Bi is possible but who is bipossible?

I guess it is time that I introduce myself. I have posted comments on several threads over the past couple of weeks and so I figured there might be a couple of people out there wondering about my story, or maybe not. Either way here goes . . .

I don’t like labels, but for those of your who like your information in short sound bites and have already looked at the length of this posting and thought, “I am not reading all that!” here is the filing tab version of me. Bisexual (although as I get older I prefer sexually fluid), Poly, married (to a MOS), boyfriend, father, teacher, meditator, writer, nurturer, Buddhist, recovering Mormon, bicyclist, reader, introvert, social extrovert, creative, organized, highly sensitive, enneagram 6 with a 5 wing, INFJ, ectomorph, middle-aged, non-conforming male. Well that about sums me up. Now if you would really like to get a slightly better idea as to who I am continue reading.

I am in the midst of my second coming out. I first came out in my early twenties. Following my Mormon mission to Argentina I realized that what I was seeking and who I was becoming didn’t line up very well with the LDS dogma, so I liberated myself and began exploring my sexuality. I dated both men and woman and found both to be enthralling and yet different. After a while I wanted to settle down and have a family, as was the cultural norm in Utah plus it was something for which I had a strong personal desire, so I fell in love with my college housemate and we married. I came out to her from the moment we started dating and she being a modern dancer (and fancying herself a bit of a bohemian) thought it was cool. Right about that same time the AIDS scare was in full swing so that combined with the pressures of career, then home ownership, then a child, it was oh so easy for me to slip back into the closet and cloak myself in heteronormativity. For the longest time I hardly even thought about men, but I also guarded myself from interacting too closely with any of them out of fear they would discover my “secret.” We moved around a lot, changed jobs a lot, and over time I became totally enmeshed with my wife and isolated. Leaving what few friends we had, we moved once again to the Midwest for my wife’s career and I found myself even more isolated, jobless with a lot of time on my hands, and too much time to think.

It didn’t take long before I became clinically depressed, and had to be hospitalized for attempting suicide. My life was spiraling downward fast and I couldn’t figure out why. So I worked my ass off exploring several different types of therapies, studying Buddhism with a passion, exercising, changing my diet, and reading, reading, reading, along with meditating, meditating, and meditating. I had hit bottom but I was determined to climb my way back out of the abyss. BTW that is why Wile-E-Coyote is my avatar. Well after several years of really hard work, pieces began falling into place and then one day a tectonic shift occurred. I discovered that I had formed a shame-based identity around my sexuality and gender issues. I had internalized homophobia and hated just about ever facet of my life. I came to the realization that there was a huge part of me that I had disavowed over the years and it was now calling for attention. That part was my same sex attraction. So I began the coming out process all over again, but this time with the intent living a more authentic and integrated life.

After a lot of talking my wife and I agreed to open our marriage. I came out to my teenage son (who also identifies as bi) and began dating men. Next I came out to coworkers, neighbors and friends. I am estranged from my family of origin (having left home at 16) so at this point I am not out to any of them. I think they would be more shocked that I had contacted them than they would be that I was bisexual. I have had a couple of longish term relationships. I have been dating a man now for nearly a year and up until recently I had been splitting my time living one week with him and one week with my family. I have lost friendships over the way I have chosen to live my identity; my career (I teach Pre-K) has been threatened (luckily I have a very supportive school); and now I find myself at a new crossroad — my wife of 29 years has revealed to me that she no longer wants to share me and my boyfriend also recently revealed with me that he feels the same.

So here I sit like that awful Mary Macgregor song from the 1970s — torn between two lovers and feeling like a fool.

BTW a quick disclaimer, I will be the one talking a lot about shame when commenting on your posts. It cannot help but have a negative effect on anyone who does not conform to the heteronormative culture. I will also be the one hounding you to get out of your heads and try to stay in the present moment. Our thoughts lead to all of our suffering. It’s that simple. And I will be the one reminding you that you are beautiful and perfect just the way you are in this very moment, because it is true. I just thought I would be upfront about that because my comments will probably sound repetitive over time, but I firmly believe that is the work we all need to do and it is a little easier doing it with the support of a wonderful community like EC.