Hey everyone! Marky here. 28 years old from the Philippines. I joined this site to gain new friends, share common experiences with people like me, and gain new insights on how to live one's life authentically as a gay man. I have this friend of mine who I've been secretly in love with since 2006. We haven't spoken after that because I quit my job. We were coworkers then. I've thought about him constantly since then even after I started dating guys and had boyfriends. Fast forward, we met again this year because we work in the same province and I thought God has really answered my prayer. He gave me this opportunity to finally confront my feelings for him. It's killing me inside all these years. I have a safe presumption that he is straight so I won't get hurt and expect too much. I thought of giving him a letter because I couldn't bring myself to say everything to him in person. I drafted it last week, read it for probably twenty times or less, and finally gave it to him this morning. The last part of the letter goes like this: "You were really nice and you were never scared and ashamed of holding my hand ever since we met almost seven years ago until now. I thought it meant something but I was just naive. Now that I realized, you were just being polite. It's a bro thing. Please don’t say sorry. You will only dishonor my feelings if you apologize. Please don’t say, if only I’m a girl, or I’ll eventually find the right one for me. To hell with all those crap. Just the thought of you settling down with somebody else is enough to make me feel bad for a day or two. You are never sorry for being honest about your feelings. I know that I just belong in your friend zone. I know it already, okay? It hurts like hell. I know things will definitely become awkward after this. Don’t feel pressured to reply or whatsoever. If silence is your way of telling me that you can never reciprocate, it’s better that way. If you don’t feel the same way, with all due respect, I think we have nothing to talk about. But we can still be civil, don’t worry. I know you just probably see me as a younger brother. Please don’t worry about me. I promise I’ll deal with this in a very mature way. I promise I’ll ask a lot of guys out and date each one of them to get over. I’m sure I’ll be able to find somebody, somebody who I can have a relationship that’s worth fighting for and dying for and hopefully last for a lifetime. I think that’s all I have to say. It feels as if a big weight has finally been lifted off my shoulders. I’m sorry that this has to be a bit corny and dramatic but it's the only remedy I know that could unburden this feeling I've been keeping ever since. I hope you understand. I wish us all the best. May God eventually lead us to our ultimate happiness." It's been 10 hours and I haven't received any feedback from him. So, I think it is safe to presume that he's really not into me. I feel that I destroyed our friendship but there's no other way I can think of to deal with this. I'm a bit worried that he's upset or angry with me.
Welcome I think you did the right thing. I'm sure that would be a massive burden off your shoulders and confessing your feelings is hard, but you overcame it. Well done . Try not think about him not replying, and occupy yourself with other things until he does reply to you. Maybe going out shopping, playing PlayStation, gardening - whatever will take your mind off it.
I just have to give you a (*hug*) I am very glad for you because you had the guts to write down your feelings and tell him everything. I just wanna say that you're so brave and I'm really happy for you. Hope things get better
Yeah. I don't know. Here in my country it's kind of different. A lot of guys would prefer to lock themselves in the closet. I can't really do much about it. You are right. I'll try to focus on other things starting today. I'll just work, listen to music and read posts online. We can't really do much about how other people will think or behave. That's beyond our control. But I'm glad i did my part already. I think telling him is already enough. The ball is in the other court. Wow, you're way younger than me. Just like what your signature says, I would go where there is no path and leave a trail... ---------- Post added 14th Aug 2013 at 09:34 AM ---------- Thanks for the welcome so far guys!
Grreetings, Lord Vader. Kill any rebels lately? No? Well welcome to EC. Don't sweat yourself. You did the right thing.
Thanks, stripe101. Been busy lately bonding with my son Luke. hehe.. I may have done the right thing that is correct. But I'm not sure how he would react. He might resent me or what.. The thought kinda freaks me out...
Aloha from Hawaii, Marky And welcome to EC! I think you will make some good contributions here. Regarding your friend, yes I think you did the right thing in telling him how you feel. And by giving him a letter, you've allowed him to think about things before reacting. Now you need to be patient. It's only 10 hours! You need to put this issue temporarily aside in both your head and your heart and let him consider what you've told him. And... don't forget that you gave him the option of not replying at all. I sincerely hope that's not his "answer" but if it is, you need to be prepared to respect that too. Sometimes we just have to put things out there for the universe to act on and wait and see what happens. But in any case, by a week from now you will have some sort of answer that will allow you to move forward. And that will be good. I wish you much wonderful fortune on this. With aloha, Milan
Thank you Milan for your reply. Yes, you are right. The important thing is I have finally done my part. Whatever will be, will be. I will set this aside for now and focus on other things. What I'm feeling right now is definitely better than before I told him everything. If I hadn't told him, I would be miserable for the rest of my life. Thanks again. :icon_wink
Update on this thread... after he resigned from his job last year he passed by my office one last time.. told me a bit of his plans and we shook hands. asked him if he read my letter, he just said: oh yes... after that, he didn't even bother to text me or ask me if i'm okay. alright, i get it okay? he's not into me.. he was shot by an unidentified gunman on the eve of May 30. he passed away at 1:35 pm of June 1st.. i don't understand why i have to go through with this.. should i feel lucky or blessed that it was a one-sided love? because if it was not then I don't know what will happen to me now.. do i even have the right to miss him? i cannot imagine the pain that his family and girlfriend is experiencing now.. will i be able to move on? how can i go through with this? i am on the process of letting him go and then this happened.. it seems that he is immortalized in my mind.. i do not want to live a life that is haunted by his memory.. please.. somebody help.. how can I recover from this tragedy?
oh wow, dude thats great that you told him how you felt instead of bottling up your feelings but thats just very sad i almost cried
Kumusta, Kaibigan? You know I agree with what you said about how gay guys in our country would lock themselves in the closet. In a way it's sad but at the same time I understand the given situation with how people treats gay people. I think it was a good idea to write how you really felt towards him. It seemed as if this guy had a strong feelings towards you but might possibly confused. Whatever the reason was, I applaud you for being true to yourself.
