I am a 35 year old male, I have been married for 10 years but I have known my wife since I was 9. I have 1 child. Here is the kicker.....I am gay and have always been attracted to men. I have been able to enjoy all parts of my relationship with my wife but it is getting harder to engage in anykind of sex. I have been with 2 men, both before we were married. I long to be with men again, the older I get the more sex with my wife seems unbearable only because of the guilt I feel in having to think about men to get me to climax. I FEEL LIKE A COMPLETE PIECE OF S$#T. I know I need to tell her but I will loose everything. I also cant go on in this manner anymore. Looking for input please. Have any of you been in this position? What happened when you told your spouse? Is there a way to save the marriage? There has been a man in my life that I met about 3 months ago, I havent had any form of sex with him but it is getting to the point that I know I will soon. Th guilt of cheating on my wife in the only thing holding me back but im afraid that even that wont hold me down for much longer.
Hi there. First, been there.. No wait.. i AM there.. I have 3 kids, am 43, and my ratio of same sex partners to opposite is at least 50 to 1. When I met my wife, the hardest part was me thinking I was not gay but instead bisexual (what the heck?! you are in love with a woman?!). 15 years later, we (my wife is included in the we) are pretty sure I am just gay and going through a phase. The only thing that is keeping me from doing something stupid is the fact that I am doing everything I can to avoid having a available guy in my life (we moved to chicago from the sf bay area to help avoid my group of 'friends'). I also have to use my active fantasy life to perform I guess what it really boils down to is physical love verses emotional love. It sounds like you still emotionally love your wife and child. Are you trying to save "the marriage" or are you trying to save your relationship with this person you have loved since you were 9? Right now, we are also desperately trying to find a solution to the fact that my physical "needs" are overwhelming my mind. My wife has made it pretty clear she has no interest in me opening up the marriage. She knew my history when we met but that doesn't really help. I can tell you that if you start sleeping with this guy, your emotional attachment to him will become so overwhelming nothing else will matter. There is no half way here. wow, I am not really helping.. am I?
Hi there, Welcome to EC! Actually there are quite a few guys here who are in, or have been in your situation. Id suggest introducing yourself over on the LGBT Later in Life sub forum here and explaining your situation. I think you'll find you have a lot in common with many of the guys there and can get both support and input on possible options moving forward. Of course you're also welcome to visit and take part in any of the discussions going on elsewhere in EC. But the later in life section may be the best option for the specific situation you are describing. Hope this helps, Todd
Thanks guys, I am interested in saving my marriage but if I come out to my wife I dont think that will be an option. In a perfect world we could remain best friends and live together for the sake of my daughter but I dont think she would go for that. Plus how unfair would that be? She has been on me for the sexual part of our relationship, I have NO interest and as a male we cant "fake" it. So we havent had sex in 8 or so months and she is hurt but she has no idea that I am gay. She thinks I have another woman on the side so we have been fighting and home is miserable. I wish I wasnt like this but I know I can not change, I have tried. I will look into re posting on LGBT later in life...thanks.
You will be amazed at how many men there are who are going through the same kind of thing. We're all working through it in our own way, but knowing you're not alone is a huge help. You've come to the right place.
-----My circumstances are different than yours, but there are common areas. I am in a LTR with a man - older than me - for about 15 years. He developed prostate cancer. It was caught in early stages, and a variety of chemical, radiation and surgical treatments have eliminated the cancer. That is the good news. The bad news is that his sex drive, interest, and erection capability have been destroyed. The early relief of a return to good general health allowed the sidelining of (seemingly selfish) sexual needs on MY part. We just stopped discussing sex, since he is the alpha male, and his new status has been devastating to his ego and self-esteem. -----We are very close, committed to each other, and financially meshed together. Other than sex, things are fine. After wrestling with guilt, in late 2011, I secretly launched myself into internet dating, seeking men for sexual release and my needs. I have enjoyed the men I have met, and look forward to meeting more men. Almost all of the men I have met are married straight (but wife has shut down sex) or married (to women) GAY men, like yourself. ----- The point is, the sexual needs have been improved or satisfied, and my relationship with my partner has had many of stresses from the non-sex removed. I am a better partner than I was, ironically. The husbands I have met often say the same thing. "Cheating" has actually helped preserve the relationship. ---- I AM NOT PRESCRIBING THAT EVERYONE CHEAT ON PARTNERS / SPOUSES. I am simply suggesting that discreetly meeting a man for sex might work for some, when sex at home is not happening. It MIGHT actually de-fuse a growing problem that threatens the ENTIRE relationship at home. It is a difficult decision to make, and a bit of a minefield. -----I have stressed with guilt over this, but emerged believing it has helped. Is masturbation cheating, since the spouse was not in bed? I honestly feel that a sex-buddy is a possible solution for some people, filling in the one missing component in an otherwise stable and loving relationship. I may be wrong, but honestly think it has saved me, and the relationship. I could just be telling myself what I want to hear, but things are better here at home, that is a fact. My mood and disposition have improved, and made it possible for me to do the other things that make a household work. -----I hope this helps. Good Luck.
Mtown, Thank you, I have wrestled with the thought of "cheating" just being a form of sexual release. My heart is with my wife. As much as it would kill me if my wife was getting her sexual needs met elsewhere, It would alleviate the issue at home. Vise versa. I am glad you found something that works for you. The more I read the posts here the more I see there are a lot of men in the same boat as me. I also realize that there doesn't seem to be one clear cut answer. Every situation as alike as it is has a different dynamic because of the personalities involved. I hope to find a answer as you have and just be at peace with it because it has been hell living this way. Thanks man.
