Finally starting to accept myself!

Hi! I'm not sure i can really call myself a late bloomer. Although I'm 44 and only now coming out to myself and others, I've known my whole life I'm interested in other females. I fought it so hard. I was raised to be uber-Catholic. Being a lesbian was not acceptable. I tried to force myself to like men. It just never worked for me.

In college, I dated (briefly) a man and a woman. I thought I was bi-curious. I guess I wanted to believe that. I was never able to be intimate with my boyfriend. It just felt so wrong to me. I was able to be intimate with my girlfriend. How I came out of those two relationships convinced I was really straight, I don't know, but I did.

I questioned my orientation several times in my life. At times, I swore I was straight, and at other times I was able to concede that I could be bisexual. I spent decades lying to myself. I now know that I am definitely a lesbian. I always have been. If I could have just been honest with myself, maybe I wouldn't have spent my whole life alone.

Finally coming to accept who I am has been bittersweet. I feel so much better about myself, but the thought of coming out completely so I can live an authentic life terrifies me. I have an aunt who is openly a very butch lesbian and a male cousin who is openly gay. Our family is rather homophobic, and so I already know how coming out is going to go. Not well. There are a few accepting people in the family, so I know to come out to them first (already came out to my sister and niece on Saturday - it felt amazing to say the words out loud!). I came out to my lesbian aunt and gay cousin today. The hardest part will be coming out to my parents. They're older and very narrow minded.

Fighting my orientation and caring my entire adult life for my chronically ill mother has caused me to languish in clinical depression with suicidal thoughts (and a few attempts). I'm shocked at how the depression lessened so dramatically once I accepted that I'm a lesbian! I can't wait to get to know myself better and start dating! I feel like I can finally have a real life!

Sorry this was so long. I've been lurking here for a week, and I'm so grateful that this community exists! I don't know anyone in the LGBT community locally (my aunt and cousin live several states away). I live in the suburbs of Chicago, which is apparently a good place to live for a lesbian, but there are no places out in the 'burbs that I know of to meet other LGBT people, and I don't feel safe going to the city alone. I don't know what to do next, I guess. I need to make some LGBT friends and hopefully start dating. Any ideas?

 

Thanks! It really does feel that way!

 

Thank you! It has been tough. I'm not offended by your statements on religion. I have come to feel the same way. I personally feel religion brings too much hate to the table, which I feel is cruelly ironic since they all yammer on and on about love. A lot of hatred and bloodshed can be attributed to religion, unfortunately. I've given up on religion entirely.

It's a relief that I know I have family who have gone before the firing squad and can tell me what to expect, but my family never changed their minds about homosexuality because of my aunt and cousin. I really thought they would. I mean, when it's your own family members who you say you love, how can you still think and say such hateful things about LGBT people? I don't get it.

Luckily, I'm fully grown, so I don't have to let what my parents think affect me too much. I hate the idea that they may not want to associate with me, and that our relationship will likely change a lot, but if that's the way it has to be, I accept that. I am definitely going to finally start living! They're elderly, and they've already lived their lives. I have no reason to hide anymore or feel guilty. My turn has been long overdue.

 

Thank you! There are so many questions I have, and so many observations I want to share. I know I'll be safe posting them here at EC.

 

Thanks for the warm welcome and support, everyone!