27 year old Georgia boy...

Hi all!

I just want to introduce myself to you all. I have poked around the site a bit and found it to be amazingly welcoming and filled with warm hearts. I am excited to become a part of this little online community.

I've tried for years to come to terms with myself. I was raised in a very religious family in a very rural setting in a very conservative town. Raised in church I was taught that to be gay is to live in sin. My parents, loving and doting as they are, will never know I'm gay. I don't think I can put them through that again. My sister came out when I was 15. It wasn't pretty but they have managed. Now her "situation" is the white elephant in the room that nobody talks about.

I've known I was gay since I was a kid. I've always thought differently- very introspective and cognizant of others' reactions and emotions but not able to fit in the way normal boys did. When the kid called me a fag in 4th grade, I took it personally because I knew what it meant. He was just playing with words and didn't know better. I tried football for 6 years but hated every moment of it. I thought it might fix me. I tried hunting. Man's work. Boring. I wanted to fit in so badly. Middle school sucked for us all, and high school wasn't much better. I excelled in music and academics, went to college, and graduated with a nice degree and honors. I'm a musician. I did theater. I held to the belief that it was just a phase.

I don't walk with a swish and I can beat you up if I need to. I speak intelligently of religion, philosophy, theories, mechanics, and music. I am well educated and graduated in the top 10 of my class, with highest honors in college, and I now am well respected in my areas of work.

But... I want more. I want to date. I want to have someone to hold.

I've never thought someone's sexuality should define them. To me, a person's sexual preference is not WHO they are so much as it is a private part of them. But I've always held to the lie that I'm straight. I like girls. ...I lie. After all, what business is it of yours, anyway? That has been my mindset, at least. I still think that way and hold to it firmly, but that is progressive thinking.

In this area of the country you are defined by what makes you different. To think progressively is to think liberally. To express a different viewpoint than your parents is to be a heretic. To question long-held beliefs is anathema. To be different is to be hated, talked about, mocked. I know because I'm guilty of it myself.

I am not beginning my journey here. I hope to make friends here to help me along the way. The stories I've read so far have been incredibly heartwarming, and I hope to continue reading more great stories and making great friends.

I'm tired of this closet. I'm ready to step out but I'm scared. I would appreciate your thoughts and advice very much.


Much love,
Andrew

 

Hi all!
What a wonderful surprise to sign in to such welcoming and kind words! I'm certain this is going to be a great place to to for support and advice.

As for the part about my sister coming out, she was already out of the house (and married to a guy) when it all happened. I know my parents will always love me, but I also know that the faith they were raised with will not allow them to be accepting. I can't hold it against them because it is so much a part of them. I love them to the moon and back, but I just don't want to disappoint them as they get older. I'm okay with them not knowing for now.

Will be posting in the forums later. Probably the obligatory "how do I..." "when should I..." n00b stuff.

Have a great night, all!

 

Thanks, guys!

 

Thank you for the input, bingo. However, religion is something I do participate in and hold deeply to, as different as my views may be from many I worship with. My views on the gay issue have become a different thing entirely from what I was taught in my formative years. Reading scriptures for yourself will do wonders over taking doctrine by the spoonful each Sunday.

That is a discussion for another time, though.

 

THIS. THISTHISTHIS. YES.

There is choral piece by Morten Lauridsen called "Soneto de la Noche" that we learned in college. It struck me so powerfully that I wept each time we performed it. The poetry by Pablo Neruda tugs my heartstrings so powerfully that I cannot help but fall in love with it every time I read it, and it was this song and poem that helped me, truly, to come to terms with my sexuality. Strange as it may be, it was therapy for me. Please indulge me as I share it with you. The poem is completely in spanish, but I copied/pasted from a site where the translation is directly below each line, which makes it awkward to read but lovely to see the native language with the meaning.

Cuando yo muero quiero tus manos en mis ojos:
When I die, I want your hands upon my eyes:

quiero la luz y el trigo de tus manos amadas
I want the light and the wheat of your beloved hands

pasar una vez más sobre mí su frescura:
to pass their freshness over me one more time

sentir la suavidad que cambió mi destino.
I want to feel the gentleness that changed my destiny.

Quiero que vivas mientras yo, dormido, te espero,
I want you to live while I wait for you, asleep,

quiero que tus oídos sigan oyendo el viento,
I want your ears to stiil hear the wind,

que huelas el aroma del mar que amamos juntos
I want you to smell the scent of the sea we both loved,

y que sigas pisando la arena que pisamos.
and to continue walking on the sand we walked on.

Quiero que lo que amo siga vivo
I want all that I love to keep on living,

y a ti te amé y canté sobre todas las cosas,
and you whom I loved and sang above all things

por eso sigue tú floreciendo, florida,
To keep flowering into full bloom.

para que alcances todo lo que mi amor te ordena,
so that you can touch all that my love provides you,

para que se pasee mi sombra por tu pelo,
so that my shadow may pass over your hair,

para que así conozcan la razón de mi canto.
so that all may know the reason for my song.

-Pablo Neruda, trans. Nicholas Lauridsen



...and now I'm crying. Lorty.

 

For those of you following my story, I don't get to see my sister often and I am very likely having dinner with her and her partner on Tuesday (9/24). I would like to share with my sister what I've come to accept at that time, since I don't get to see her often, but simultaneously I hesitate to share it with them together. Does this make sense at all to anyone? I just almost feel like it would "cheapen" the moment with my sister. Am I thinking too much? I tend to do that.

You guys are awesome and I'm so grateful for you all and your kind words of encouragement.