Hello all, my name is Luke and I'm from Long Island, New York. For those of you who are not aware, Long Island is basically an island of endless suburbs and small towns, so yes I suppose it does seem to an outsider like something out of a weird 50's sitcom but whatever, it's home. I'm nineteen years old - soon to be twenty - and have only started to come to terms with my sexuality in the last two years. At the moment I consider myself to be Questioning, but the wall of evidence of my Bisexuality is becoming quite solid at this point. To make short of a long and complicated story, I grew up in a family and in a community where the Catholic Church was an important part of everyday life. Though I am still a practicing Catholic I have long had concerns about the religion's stance on LGBT rights, though not everyone around me feels the same. While my mother has slowly started to change her tone in recent years, my father is highly homophobic and has said point blank that he thinks "gays are freaks of nature". Needless to say, not the kind of environment that would welcome the kinds of thoughts I was having. As an awkward and unpopular boy struggling to fit in during Middle School, and gain my father's elusive approval, I ignored what I interpreted as strange and deviant thoughts about other boys and forced myself to look at girls, because I was a boy and I was supposed to like girls. And like them I did, making it easy to bury thoughts about other boys. All of this changed when I went away to college for the first time in the Fall of 2011. Suddenly far away from my parents, I was freed somewhat from the pressures their expectations had exerted over my thoughts. I started to wonder about those thoughts I had been fighting against, and I started to let myself think them for the first time. Obviously I still have a long way to go in my quest to truly understanding myself, I've never so much as kissed a boy, but I did get butterflies in my stomach when a guy flirted with me at the NYC Pride Rally this summer. Right now I'm looking to the future and hoping to continue this slow, painful, and frightening process of rediscovering this part of myself that I spent a good seven years trying to deny.
Welcome, and best of luck on your journey to explore your sexuality. There's nothing wrong with being bi you know, religious people like your parents and neighbours often tend to put their brain in a box and refuse to see beyond that.
Welcome to EC, ELILuke! You have come to the right place for this adventure, the one where it all more or less ends with you becoming yourself. Be well and post often!
Thanks to everyone for their words of welcome, it feels good to be in a space with people who understand what it's like. I would like to add in regards to Carpe Noctem's comment that I'm well aware that there's nothing wrong with being gay, bisexual, or anything else - but at the age of twelve/thirteen when I first had those thoughts I wasn't quite so sure, which is what lead to me suppressing those feelings for so long.
Welcome! I am sure you will find many kindred spitits on EC that surpressed their gay or bisexual natural urges due to social pressure or family intolerance. Enjoy the fellowship of common friends! No need to be nervous here, we welcome with open arms.
Also an islander =) It is a funny little place, especially out by Montauk. College is a liberating experience. I'm sure that the process of discovering yourself won't be all painful- there'll be those moments (like the guy at the pride rally) where it will be like an exciting new experience. Hope you feel welcome here!
Hey and welcome It sounds like you're on track to figure yourself out, and comfortable with whatever may come... which is really great! Hope we can help you along your way
Haha. Yeah, suffice it to say I'm not accustomed to being able to talk about this part of myself, so it's going to take a little adjustment before I'm used to it. It's great to feel welcomed though, and to see that my experiences really aren't as weird and out of the ordinary as I thought they were. Thanks! I'm thrilled to be here. Whoa, someone else from Long Island! That's awesome, I didn't think I'd encounter any other Long Islanders around here! Unfortunately I've already had a number of painful moments in my brief journey thus far, but I'm hoping that the worst of it is behind me [HA! Yeah right!] as I try to take the next steps toward understanding and accepting my sexuality. I hope that you're right, it feels like I'm doing everything wrong and like I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing. I'm still very apprehensive about the future, and I've spent so long repressing my sexuality that when I have sexual thoughts about other guys and enjoy it I get really scared, but I'm hoping that's something that I can get myself through. Once again thanks for all the warm welcomes! It's nice to feel included and welcome.
I think it's great you are opening up to your rich sexual self understanding as you turn 20 soon. May you a long life of joyful discoveries and the resilience to move on from painful experiences which can be learning moments, after all. I found this blessing that I think is beautiful: "May the God of Love be with you, telling you her secrets, giving himself to you, drawing you close as you tremble on the edge of self-gift. And may the love in you light fires of faith and hope which will grow and burn and burst and inflame the earth. May God's love in you glow in the eyes of your friend. May the blessing of love, the blessing friendship be upon you." Don't know who wrote it but sounds like John O'Donohue. All the best to you.
