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Yo!

Discussion in 'The Welcome Lounge' started by Ceruleann, Sep 18, 2013.

  1. Ceruleann

    Regular Member

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    Hello, my name is Cici, I am new, conflicted and excited! I am an 18 year old mechanical engineering and product design/sociology major with super diverse interests including cheerleading, hiking, dancing, cars, playing guitar, camping, art/design, singing, electronic dance music and thrash metal. I'm normally pretty happy but lately I've been thoughtful because I've been realizing how little I actually know myself. Most of this realization has been in regards to my gender. I've only just in the past year learned of the idea of non-binary gender identities, and I feel like it might apply to me. In the past I have had a lot of phases during which I've thought now I must know myself, this is who I am. I never felt fully satisfied though, I always felt an internal conflict between my love of cute, girly, sweet things and awesome, energy-filled, more typically masculine things. As a little girl (I am biologically female, and including the qualifier "biologically" feels weird to me because I don't wish to reject my very present feminine side), don't get me wrong I loved dressing up and being cute sometimes but, I would often find myself hanging out with boys and feeling more interested in their pastimes, like sports, toy cars, and roughhousing. My first good friend was a boy named AJ and to this day I find it a lot easier to understand guys than girls. some of my earliest memories consist of me and him playing together doing little boy things like hunt rocks in the woods and freak people out with toy reptiles. I did spend time with other girls, I had a few female best friends and only ever had a sister, no brothers, but playing with the neighborhood boys excited me most. This all started way before I ever had a first crush (I am attracted to males) in third grade, arguably rather early, but it makes sense given how I was never one of the girls who thought boys "had cooties" and that I'd say I'm quite in favor of and open to sexuality and sensuality today. And so that leaves me today. I’ve been a cheerleader, I’ve fronted a metal band, I skateboard sometimes, I go to a university that’s only 25% girls; I love all of it. But I have trouble feeling either like a cohesive person who makes sense to myself or like I can fully connect with a lot of the less diverse people interests-wise who I meet. When I’m with girls I’ve had a lot of fun times and am able to connect, but don’t feel the most comfortable that I ever feel. I feel my absolute most comfortable interacting with guys; sometimes I even forget or don’t notice that I’m the only girl in a room of guys, totally acting like one of them, until someone points it out, making me feel kind of disappointed that the differences between me and them have to be so incessantly called out. So I guess what I’m saying is that I more often than not feel like a guy and think like them. The problem is that I don’t feel like I am a guy, at all. So then comes the whole gender-non-binary stuff, but I really don’t even fit the mold there. I often express myself outwardly as a very girly, femme, as I’ve been called, girl, so much so that when people meet me they are pretty surprised at how “not boring” I am. (The reason that my appearing girly causes people to expect me to be girly is of course its own societal question.) I mean sometimes if I can rationalize it socially in my own mind I dress androgynously and get a thrill out of it, but I couldn’t enjoy doing that all of the time without feeling incomplete. So if I am a biologically female, straight person who generally appears female, does it even matter how I feel? Is gender purely an expression from a person to others? I don’t think so; I think that gender also has a major component of helping people understand their own self talk and themselves as people. So in that case, I guess I really don’t know what my deal is. I’m sufficiently confident that there is more to my gender than just plain cisgender female, but I still wish to present and identify myself as female. I guess understanding my gender would help me to understand my perspective and inner talk a lot better and maybe help my mental state to in general be better. Thanks for reading all of that and feel free to give your opinion and whatnot or just say hi!
     
  2. Mysz

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    Hmm, yes; there are often conflicts that come with appearing girly and not actually acting girly! I can attest to that =P You don't have to slap any labels on just yet; stick around and maybe your EC experience will help you figure things out! =) Personal feelings about your gender matter quite a lot. They're what drive some people to undergo transition, and others just to re-evaluate themselves.
    Welcome to EC!
     
  3. purplekitty

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    Hello! I'm new here too. I can understand you confusion; I don't feel like I fit the gender binary either. I have done some research trying to figure myself out. I think there are a few terms that you could look up that might fit you. Maybe you could try demigirl, demiguy, genderfluid, bigender, androgyny, pangender, transgender, or genderqueer. I hope this helps!
     
  4. Ceruleann

    Regular Member

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    Thank you for giving me a well-thought-out response, I appreciate that! :slight_smile: I am not inclined to slap labels on it, don't worry, I was just being driven a little crazy by not feeling like I have anyone to talk to about it. The internet is a good listener. :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes: I do hope that my experience on EC will help me to formulate my thoughts on it all!

    ---------- Post added 18th Sep 2013 at 11:27 PM ----------

    That was for Mysz, and to purplekitty: thanks for the terms to look up, maybe they'll be helpful!