Sorry this may be kind of long. So I am a 33 yr old redneck from small town Iowa I grew up in a broken home and what a shrink calls a child abuse survivor. I was raised in both my mom and bio's very christian houses. It was drilled into my head from as early as I can remember that god made adam and eve. I remember as a young kid probably 7 or 8 my neighbor and I would aquire our sisters panties and wear them and play with eachother I remember always stressing that my parents would find out. I was caught one time looking at something gay and my father beat me to no end to beat the horrid Gay thoughts out of my head. It worked for a long time. But i always had the thoughts come back and I would fix that with self pleasure and feel gross about it. I have done physical things on a couple of occasions with other men and would e completely into it untill i climaxed then the disgust and self hatred came into my head. I cant recall but a handfull of times fantasizing about women and it was always just the male member. Its always ended with me being grossed out but the thoughts never went away ever. I have been with i couldnt even begin to tell u how many women in my 33 years but have only felt true love once and I lost interest in that shortly after. Most of my relationships and flings end because I never really had a drive to sleep with them after I had the notch on the bed post. Recently I had a very hot erotic dream about me and another man and i swear on my life I woke up and was all happy go lucky telling my best friend that I was gay and tjah I didnt care who knew it. I actually came out to some of my family members and shockingly they were supportive. My best friend told me she had nvr seen me so happy as Inwas that day. I freaked out. I couldnt be gay I was a ladies man I gpt whatever woman I wanted it scared me cause all these thoughts came rushing into my head. I was shocked that Inactually hought the movie broke back mountan was hot to me. That i actually found men hella sexy and hag sorry hate wreatelkmg but Randy Orton is a fine mfer. My problem I dont know what to think cause since then women no longer turn me on but then again neither do mn. Am I really gay or is it somethjng broken in my head. I am terrified to act on any thought or urge and wont look at men. Whats up with me? Anh imput or thoughts would be greatly appreciated.
Confusedrich, I saw that you are a a newbie on EC, and I would like to welcome you. I have to say that although your post is a good post, I feel it is a little inappropriate as to the context of it. It isn't a wrong post, but, it is very hard to understand. I will do my best to give my opinion on this post. It seems to me like you are confused with your feelings. There are many factors in your situation, and it probably won't be easy to figure out. In my opinion, and I not encouraging you to do this, because, it is your life, but, I think you should go on a date with a man or hang out with a guy and just see what happends. Tell him how you feel. You shouldn't be scared of your sexual feelings and confusions. You only live once, and, you should be able to express yourself without being scared of being who you are.
Welcome! Be true to your feelings and you will find happiness! It sounds to me like you need to find a man to experiment with and don't worry as it won't send you to hell no matter what you were brought up to think. God mad us the way we are, so why would he condemn us to hell for it? I assume you heard the hell fire and brimstone like I got growing up. For years and years I repented after sex to be sure! June
