Hello, my name is Maggie and I am 27 years old. From the time I was young I thought I may be interested in girls. I was so disgusted by this thought that I repressed and rejected it for over a decade. I buried it deeper and deeper and dated a lot of different men. Through my extreme insecurities about who I was, male attention made me feel worth something. Eventually I found an amazing man who I stayed with for 4 years. We lived together, bought a house, a dog, and got engaged. We had set a wedding date for next year, but as the date approached, my anxiety about living an unfulfilling life, and potentially devastating this man that I loved down the road, was mounting. 3 weeks ago, I was in the middle of yoga class when an anxiety attack struck me and prompted me to drive home to see my parents. I cried the whole ride home, and out of the blue without planning or practicing, I ended up coming out to my mom and simultaneously coming out to myself. The next day I was faced with the heartbreaking task of telling my fiance, the most perfect man/ human being I had ever met. The pain of both hurting him and losing him all at once is indescribable. I have been staying with my parents for the past 3 weeks, taking a leave of absence from my job. I just started the process of putting my house back on the market. My whole life is turned upside down. While I have an amazing support system in my parents, family and extended family, I am still feeling so alone. I miss my fiance. I miss my house. I miss my old life. I still don't know what being gay feels like. I am still not comfortable with it and I am having trouble accepting it as part of my identity. I still can't say for sure that I definitely am gay, as I have never been with a girl. The feelings of confusion, loneliness, and sadness and overwhelming at times, but I am hoping the old adage is true: Time heals all.
Hi maggie don't be sad. We are here for you (*hug*). I don't know the feeling but I do believe that time will heal all wounds. I know you are still questioning about yourself and we are here to help you and give you advice. You'll be fine soon..
Welcome to EC MaggieD. You have found a wonderful place and terrific resource that is now at your disposal to help you through this really tough time. Believe me, that I know - to the Nth degree - what you are going through right now. I'm in just about the place that you are, but having only gotten here this summer, after 21 years of marriage, two kids, two dogs, 7 homes... well, you get the picture. So there's your first silver lining. You can be thankful that at least you figured it out LONG before not only myself, but quite a number of folks like myself here on EC. Long before your life was so completely and inextricably intertwined with an entire family of your own creation that you found it nearly impossible to see a way out. We understand your sadness, your loneliness, your grief over the loss of the life you had and all the visions you had for your future. But try to recognize this. It's not truly a loss in the sense that you're left with nothing. It's just a change. You're trading that particular future vision for another, you just haven't nailed that new one down yet. Give yourself time, it sounds like you've been living a whirlwind of changes and that in itself is a lot to deal with, now give yourself some time to adjust. While you take that time, may I suggest that you check out some of the threads in the "Later in Life" forum? I know, you are a young lady, but many young adults on EC dealing with the loss of lifetime goals and commitments find themselves there and finding comfort in what some of us not quite as young adults share in terms of life experience. You may be amazed by how much you'll find that you have in common with so many people here. I hope you'll stick around and look forward to getting to know you! (*hug*)
I can't tell you how much your kind words have helped me. It is so comforting to know someone has gone through some of what I am experiencing.
Hi MaggieD..Welcome..I'm new too. I'm a lot older than you are but share what you are feeling in terms of loss and loneliness. I was married for a very long time. Had the home, family, dogs..My marriage was a mistake from the beginning. I was abused in every way, but I stayed because that's all I knew. I had a very similar childhood. It got so bad, I turned numb to almost every feeling I had. I took care of my kids as best as I was able to, went to my job every day. As my kids got older, I tried to focus on myself outside of the house. I joined a gym. Became friends with a woman there who was gay. We talked all the time. I told her about my life outside the gym. She was the only one that knew how bad things were. Then I lost both my parents. I came down with an auto immune disease, my husband went away for a month to rehab then my son a year later. My word was spinning out of control. It took every ounce of courage, but I finally left. Felt so free and at peace for the first time in my life. For about a year, I loved my new life. Stayed "friends" with my gym friend, but somewhere along the way our friendship turned into something more. It was an amazing experience...something I have never felt before. That didn't last long..we were both going in different directions. Eventually, the friendship came to a screeching halt. So now I'm left with just a feeling of huge loss all around and wondering where I go from here...I just have to just trust that this is where I'm supposed to be right now and be grateful for all the support I have around me. Even though we each have our own journey, we are all in this thing called "life" together. What you did to change your life and be true to yourself took great courage and strength. Stay strong Maggie. You are where you need to be. It's hard right now..I know..but things WILL get better for you.
Hi Maggie. Feel welcome to EC, i know you will find all the help you can need, count with me and everybody for everything. So again, Welcome here!
Thanks for sharing your story Dahlia. It sounds like you are where you need to be, too even though you are feeling lonely. Think of it like a blank slate. The world can become your oyster now. Even though I am struggling at the moment, too, let me know if I can be of any help in any way.
Looks to me like you have a good support from your parents. Just wanted to let you know that I admire your courage.. Welcome.
I wish you all the courage and strength. Think of this as the start of a wonderful new adventure that, while scary, will lead you to exciting new experiences, new friendships and a new view of the world. All the best
