Hai Everyone :)

Ok so obviously I'm new to this site. I came here because I was under a lot of stress, what with being the only open gay person at my ALL MALE CATHOLIC SCHOOL and having to accept that the only person I have ever loved is straight and does not feel the same way about me. Um like I said I'm under a lot of stress so I want to try and get everything out. To anyone reading, stay with me please.
So it began in the beginning of August, the beginning of my Junior year in high school. My parents are extremely religious, literally we are the kind of family that sits down every day and prays together before we eat supper. I've always found the idea of God to be strange and I've never really believed in him, so this year when my parents wanted me to get confirmed, I was extremely conflicted. I'm a catholic and I've always been taught that gays are not allowed to have sex, get married, hell for awhile my parents were able to convince me, a gay teenager, that being gay is a choice. Needless to say I did not want to have anything to do with a religion that did not allow me to fully experience life. When the time came around and my parents wanted me to go to the first of many confirmation meetings, I stood my ground and told them, "No, I'm not going."
Well it couldn't have gone much worse. After grounding me and taking away everything I had, they sat me down for a long "talk" telling me how it was evil to disobey God and that by refusing to go to confirmation I was disappointing them very much. I won't go into much detail because I can feel myself tearing up at this part, but by the end of the night I was lying on the cold hard ground telling these bitches that I was gay.I believe the first thing that my mom said to me afterwards was, "Son the devil tempts people."
Weeks passed blah blah blah they slowly had to accept me blah blah blah they sent me to a priest for counseling to find out if I really was gay blah blah blah they still can't look me in the eyes. Done. I'm really over it, if they don't want to have anything to do with me then I'm fine with that. As long as we don't bother each other I think I can make it a few more years living under the same roof as them.
So despite all of the bad things happening at home, I felt a lot better after I had told them. I had always felt like I had this horrible dark secret that I was keeping from everyone, and when I finally told them, regardless of what happened afterwards I was really happy. I made the decision to tell all of my close friends, including... him. One by one I told my friends, getting closer and closer to the guy that I had been in love with for months. Mister tall, dashing, swimming bastard had stolen my heart, tied it to a cinderblock and sent it hurtling down the pacific ocean. He had been my best friend, and we had done so much together. I was fully convinced that he was gay, but I suppose most of that was just me WANTING him to be gay. I told him I was gay, and I immediately
told him how I felt about him. The emotions spilled out like the drugs in lindsey lohan's ratchet carrion bag. (Endlessly) When I was finally done, he just stared at me. He told me that he was flattered, but he was straight and he didn't love me back. I guess I shouldn't have to tell everyone how I felt after this right?
I'm not really sure what to call the emotion, because it feels like a mixture of several of the worst feelings I can think of. Emptyness, sadness, jealousy towards all the girls that he likes and all the happiness that he will give to said girls. It just sucks, it really does. Naturally he's all I think about, and I think he's also having an effect on my grades. My straight A's have gone to straight B's. For most of the day I'm fine, but everytime I see him walk away or every time I hear him talking about the girls he likes or what party he's going to, I can't help but run home and cry.
Bare with me hear, this part is going to sound weird but I can assure you I'm not crazy. On multiple occasions I've been able to hear the blood inside of my head circulating. It's a horrible, irritating sound that drowns out everything else and gets louder and louder to the point where I have to scream into my pillow to keep from going mad. Everytime this experience has happened, it's always when I've been thinking about him, or rather, thinking about how he and I will never be together.
So yea, I've really just been looking for a site like this to get all my feelings out. I want to talk with others about their experiences and how their lives are. I want to hear from others who have had worse lives than I have, and I want, rather I need them to tell me that it gets better after high school, that there are attractive gay swimmers better than him in every way who will love me back. So yes hello everyone, I hope I'm welcomed to the site and all that :eusa_danc