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Hello from an oldie but a goodie!

Discussion in 'The Welcome Lounge' started by howcanitbe52, Nov 9, 2013.

  1. howcanitbe52

    Regular Member

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    To start just call me Jeff, not my real name but it will do for now. I am a middle aged, divorced single dad of two finally grown kids, now a grandfather of four. Ok, so I see 52 as middle aged, prob wrong but it helps me feel a little younger. I have known since I was between 5 and 7 that I found men interesting, more pleasing to look at that women. Don't know why or how, but I remember that feeling. As I got older, junior high or early high school, a new kid moved down the street from me, my grade level. He was hot, we spent tons of time together, swimming, hanging around, riding bikes, you name it. Finally one day, I became brave enough to ask him to see him without clothes on, told him I had see down his swim trunks one day when he pulled them out to readjust them and I was curious about his pubes. Well, that led to touching it, and playing with it, then I got the nerve up to put my tongue on it. Of course this led to a lot of time in his room while everyone was gone, or camping in his yard so we had privacy. We never had intercourse, he did try one day but it was way to painful so I stopped him. This went on for two years until kids in my class started calling me fag. I was devastated, scared and embarrassed. I stayed to myself for most of my high school days, I was in a lot of sports and other school activities, but I didn't have many friends. Next was college, nothing happened during those days, I was too scared due to what happened in High School, so I stayed to myself. After graduation I was introduced to someone that was semi easy as far as sex was concerned, female, and eventually we had sex. It was good, and I enjoyed it, so I kind of left my fears behind me. I had kids with her, we were married when our first was on the way. Sometime later in our marriage she was different, wasn't interested sexually as well as a wife. We finally divorced and due to many things she did during the last three years of our marriage, I gained custody of our kids. I was in the military, a single dad, and my desires for men came back around. I ended up with a man without anyone knowing for about five years, but what I learned was that I was his hit and run guy, he had a boyfriend/husband at home, but I filled his other urges. That ended, but some of my co-workers started asking me if I was gay, seeing that I didn't date. I explained what my ex had done to me and that was why I didn't date anyone (women). Somehow one or two of them didn't let go of the idea I was gay. I finally retired from the military, and started working for a company knowing I could keep things quiet. Somehow I must have stared too long at someone or something, not really sure, but then a few rumors started. I was able to just keep it to gossip. Finally, my health due to the military and some things my ex wife did to me without me knowing caused my health to fade some and I had to retire from working all together. Now, I am older, my kids know about me, but none of my family does, anyone I knew before still don't know. But I am lonely, sexually frustrated because I don't want one night stands, I want a relationship and love, then sex. Sex with a man is beyond that of with a woman, from my standpoint. It doesn't mean women are not good in bed, it is that I have that desire and drive for men, man, and that is what I am attracted to. Anyway, I am here now, just venting, writing. I have been told that I should write a book about my marriage and everything I was put through, but I don't like to talk about things of the past, I have forgiven and I have moved on. Don't get me wrong, I may have forgiven, but I will never forget. So, here I am, in the closet, scared, and lonely. Hope jut to hear from anyone and to let everyone know that it is hard for people my age and background to come out, and it sucks. Thanks for reading and I hope to hear from you. Take care.
     
  2. CupcakeKisses

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    Hey Jeff!

    Welcome to EC! :slight_smile: I'm sure you'll find all of the answers/support you are looking for here.

    Lots of love!
     
  3. toushirojaylee

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    Hi and welcome to EC Jeff!If you need someone to talk to we are here. :slight_smile:
     
  4. GayNerd

    Regular Member

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    Hi and welcome to EC! :grin: :wink: :slight_smile:

    If you have any questions or problems, EC can help you. (*hug*)
     
  5. bingostring

    Full Member

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    Hey welcome Jeff :eusa_danc

    Many people on this site in your sort of situation... check out the "later in life" forum too

    :icon_bigg