Hi -- I just found this site... and obviously I'm new here. I myself am teh straight mom of 4 children. My middle son, 16, came out ( on facebook) as bi not too long ago. It was something I had stumbled on prior to his coming out and never asked him about. Fast forward to this week, when I found, while searching our internet history, that my 11 year old is now identifying himself as gay. I decided to sit down and talk to him about it -- and that didn't go great, either. Soo... I guess now I am just trying to figure out what I should 'do'... or not do. hthat he is bisexual I waited for him to come home, let him know I'd seen his post, and gave him a hug and told him how proud I was of him and that I love him. Nothing has been mentioned about it since. I was really disappointed that my younger son chose to tell a few of his friends before talking to me... I understand that is selfish... but it's how I feel. he and I have always been very close -- but maybe not as much as I had thought? Anyway -- he told me I should have just left it alone and not brought it up with him. He also told me that he is sure ( well -- kinda -- since he woudln;t really talk I asked him to answer one of two questions - Do you think you are gay? or Are you gay? he answered by holding up two fingers and telling me ' the second one'. I want to make sure he is safe. I dont want him getting his information from internet porn and I dont want any of his 'friends' to turn on him and out him at school or online before he is ready. I guess I just dont really know what to do. I can't talk to anyone about this because he asked me not to.
Welcome! It's not a conversation that's easy for parents and children to have. Keep the lines of communication open and let your kids know that you support them, and they will come to you when they need to. Your sons are also lucky that they have each other. I admire your trying to learn more to help them. We at EC are certainly here for you! The organization PFLAG (Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays) sounds like it would also be a great resource for you.
Hello! Hmm... You know, with some things, it's actually easier to talk to people you're less close to. Especially in cases like this, it's possible to be more afraid of what that person you do really care about might think.
Hi! When I came out to my mother, she had the same concerns about having friends turn on me and what not. I can completely understand that. From the child's standpoint, sexuality was a big thing for me. I still find it hard and kinda awkward to talk about it with my parents. I think the best thing to do would be to get therapists for both of them. If they don't feel comfortable telling you about it yet, at least someone will be available to them. As a side note, I can't understand how an 11-year old would know he is gay. I feel like early puberty can be a somewhat confusing time and that your sexuality is not quite concrete yet at that age. Also, how supportive of gays is your community? Because if your community is more pro-gay, there could be less danger involved in your children coming out
Welcome to EC. I agree, sometimes it's easier to tell friends before parents, as you don't rely on your friends for financial support.
Welcome! First, you're an awesome mom for loving and accepting both of your kids without question. The world would be a very different place, and EC would hardly need to exist if there were more parents like you. Second, with regard to your 11 year old not telling you... I understand how you feel, and yet I think the piece that's difficult to get your hands around is, when you are gay and just coming to terms, there's a lot of shame and self-loathing about it. No matter how loving and accepting our parents are, we hear from society, media, organized religion, Westboro Baptist Church, and all sorts of other places that we're terrible, horrible people, or, at the least, that we're second-class citizens. And that message gets encoded deep in our unconscious. Shame researcher Brené Brown talks extensively about this. Basically, shame is the idea that we're not worthy of love and belonging. And recognizing that one is gay is recognizing that one doesn't "belong" to the majority (because we're not straight), and of course, there's a very deep fear that we won't be loved because of that. As a result, even for the people we know and love and trust the most, the fear is that we won't be accepted, because we're so deep in what Dr. Brown calls the "shame storm." And when one is coming to terms with being gay, and just starting to come out, that's what's going on. So this isn't a sign your son doesn't trust you, only that he probably doesn't trust much of *anyone* yet, because he isn't yet able to love and accept himself. You did the right thing, and your son let you know what's up, but now he just needs time. 11 may seem really young to you, but from what we've seen here over the past several years, kids are becoming aware at an earlier and earlier age, in large part because of discussion in the media, but also because of Internet porn. And as much as you may not want to think about it, your son probably has seen some porn, and that probably helped him figure himself out. The main thing to focus on is his safety, and it can be very delicate to talk about. If your older son has a good rapport with your younger son, and you with your older son, perhaps you could have a conversation with him about it. The biggest immediate concerns are online creepers and webcams, and your son getting talked into doing things that aren't a good idea (think webcam masturbation with strangers.) Not a pleasant thought, by any means, but a reality that parents need to be aware of. So perhaps if you have a decent rapport, you can discuss the concerns with your older son (or perhaps even send him here) and he in turn can talk to your younger son. My guess is your younger son is mortified of even talking about anything remotely sexual with his mother, so any sort of meaningful conversation is probably not likely to be easy. And the bottom line is, if you've instilled good values, at a certain point, you have to trust that you've done that and your kids can make wise choices on their own. The reality is, no matter what you do, to some extent, your sons will be able to access whatever they want somewhere, and so it's more about instilling values, encouraging smart choices, and doing your best to be nonjudgmental and maintain open lines of communication.
Hello. New to this site and the lgbt community. I am a 27 year old female that has just came out to most friends and family. I identify as bisexual but still in the midst of figuring things out. Feeling a little late the game, and thought I would look for some friendly discussion, hoping to hear about others journey, etc.
Hi, theirmom. Wow! That's so awesome that you sat down and wanted to talk to him about it. Honestly, I tried with my parents when I was that age, and it didn't get the support that you are offering your son. It actually varied from "I'm just trying to get attention" to "my hormones are all over the place" to "you've never been with a girl sexually so how would you know". Anyhow, I think the biggest thing I had issues with was being accepted. With parents, that's just it... they are your parents. You can't choose them. They are not like friends where they could come and go. They are around forever. They are the last thing you want to disappoint (in most cases), and they are the relationship that you hope never changes in regards to being alienated from them... at least in my case. For them, I shut my feelings away for 25+ years. When I did finally tell them, it still didn't receive the support I was hoping but they didn't hate me. Friends are kind of like the litmus test before laying it on "the parents". Kind of like when dating... things aren't serious until you bring your date home to meet "the parents"... right? Anyhow, I'm just so happy you were there for support! Way to go!!
I am jsut getting to these responses -- thank you SO much everyone for your support and comments. I have more to add --- and more questions --- but will need to wait until thsi evening. Just wanted to take a moment to again say thank you. My youngest was at his dad's over teh weekend so there wasn;t an opportunity for us to spend much time together, but we're pretty much by ourselves each evening for the next couple of days.... I'll see if he is comfortable talking any more. at thsi point his older brother doesn;t know ( or ta least I dont think so) and I promised I woudln;t tell anyone else until he is ready -- I do wish to see if he woudl fee comfortable with him, though. I also realized, over the weekend, that he has an older cousin ( on his dad's side) who is gay -- he mentioned it to me a month or two ago -- wondering now if that was his 'test' with me -- or, more importantly, if he woudl feel up to talking to him.... Tahnks again -- more to come!
