The long introduction of Eevar

A Brief Autobiography of “Eevar”

I have never been one to write my thoughts. I have never kept a diary, all that is written is from what I recall, and is as truthful as I can possibly make it. It should also be pointed out, that I don’t cross-dress for excitement or arousal. It is purely because I feel comfortable. I feel like me. Also, although I consider myself to be bi-sexual, I have never done anything sexual with another man, and can’t imagine myself doing so, as a man. I do find some men attractive, and have fantasised about them, however, in these “scenarios” I imagine myself as a woman. When fantasising about women, my own gender becomes blurred...sometimes I'm female, others male, I've even had both or genderless and on the rare occasion, I've changed, although the 1st is most “effective”.

There is no better place to start than right at the beginning, which for me would be my early childhood. I lived with my parents and sister, my Dad was away a lot due to work, so I don’t remember seeing him much as a young boy. My Mum was always there, as was Sister.

My sister was my best friend. I did everything with her, we painted together, played in the garden together, played dress-up, even ate together. I couldn't imagine a happier childhood at this time, and for that I have my family to thank but my sister more so.

This changed when we moved to a village. My dad was still away a lot for work, so it was mainly just the 3 of us again. We were bullied incessantly and for a couple of years by every single other child in the village. We hated it there. My only friend was my sister.

It was due to the bullies that at the age of 6 I found there was a difference between a “girl” and a “boy”, but I didn't yet understand what that difference was, so I won’t go into details about that specific incident (it was just name calling and such nothing more).

It wasn't until about the age of 8 or 9 when I started to realise what the difference was, however at this time we had moved again, due to my parents getting a divorce, but I had made some friends. Which was good, since this along with us both getting older had caused my sister and I to drift apart. We spent less and less time playing together, and I remember on multiple occasions asking my sister to play “dress-up” with me again, and every time, she said no.

We swapped bedrooms quite often for the first 3 or 4 years of living at this house, most of the times this happened, it was I asking my sister if she wanted to. I wanted HER room.

At about the age of 8 or 9, when we went to visit relatives in another town, my Mum would let me pack my own bag. At about the age of 10/11, I started to deliberately forget some clothes, meaning I had to wear some of my sisters, or in the case of night clothes, my Nan's old nighties. I never owned up to deliberately forgetting things, I do however think my Mum started to catch on after a while.

Other than the cross-dressing, there was nothing unusual about me. When I went out with friends it was down to the BMX track, the woods, or on rare occasions to kick a ball about. I have never been a fan of football, or any sport for that matter.

At the age of 12, after my sister had started puberty, and because she was older, was allowed to go further afield, and stay out till later than myself. I on many occasion took this opportunity to sneak into her room, and try on her clothes. I did get caught, but not directly. It was usually because I didn't leave things as I found them.

Up until the age of 13/14 I was still quite content. It was at this age when the differences between the sexes became obvious. It was at this time I started to become depressed, and before my 15 birthday I started to see a psychiatrist. The root of my depression was never discovered, neither the talks with the psychiatrist, or tablets helped. About a year later, I’d stopped both. My depression has never left me. I also found myself looking at women and not just thinking “she’s nice" but also “I do like that [insert item of clothing here]”, or “I wonder how she did that with her hair”, whilst trying to imagine what I've seen on myself. It was only due to my quiet nature and that I “daydreamed" quite a lot, I got away with it amongst my friends.

At the age of 16 after I finished school, I got a job at a popular fast food chain. It didn't last long, but since the reason has nothing to do with the subject of this synopsis I will move on. I went to college for a 2 year IT course. I lasted 3 months. The course wasn't difficult, I had actually done a lot of it with my Dad 2 years previously, which is why I chose to take that specific course. I enjoyed it. I just stopped attending, it was becoming more and more difficult to get through each day. During this time I was also working at a high street store. I quit that job at the same time I dropped out of college. The reason is the same. My sister had gone on to University, and by this point we had drifted apart quite a lot. When we saw each other we hardly spoke.

For my college course I needed my own computer. Which I got, and internet access, which again, I got. This also opened up the world of on-line gaming to me. No not gambling. I don’t gamble. I mean gaming. Massively Multi-player On-line Role Playing Games where my thing. I spent hours in-front of that screen playing them (it later became 2 screens). I still remember the first MMO I played without real life friends. The first thing I did was make a female character, and introduce myself as a girl. This combined with some of the cross-dressing I did later which we will come to, made me feel so happy. I loved being thought of and accepted as a woman. Unfortunately, as I learned, VOIP (voice over IP) was already quite common, and a requirement in some cases to join “guilds” or “clans” (a group of people who play together on a regular basis). Since I had been saying such things as “Yes, I'm a real girl”, this made it very difficult to get around the VOIP requirement. I've had to cut ties to many great people over the years because of this, and it hurts every time. I quite often end up tears when I do this, but I can’t stop myself from doing it. I relish the feelings before it comes to that.

I don’t just play as female characters in MMO’s so you can discount that “your just trolling people” comment I know you've got brewing. I do it in EVERY. GAME. POSSIBLE. You name it, if I've played it and it gives you the option to play as a female, I have done, in most cases exclusively (I love The Elder Scrolls games for this as a lot of the time, the NPC’s talk to you as your characters sex).

After dropping out of college, and leaving my 2nd job, I got my 3rd on a farm. This was a job I loved. It was great, I saw very few people, and I loved working with the pigs. I felt seeing so few people a huge benefit as it let me be myself more. I didn't do any cross-dressing, I’ll point that out now. But it let me go around singing and dancing to myself, which I felt I couldn't do with people around. The smell got too much for me though. I stank or pigs every day, no matter how many showers and baths I had, the smell would just not go away easily. Eventually it got too much, and I left. The smell finally left my person about 2 weeks later, and my bedroom about 3 months later. I don’t regret leaving this job, it is a shame I did, however there is nothing I can do to change this so why dwell on it.

My next job was my favourite, despite it being a customer service assistant at quite a busy shop. What made it so great was the other staff. All but 4 (including myself) where female, this quickly dropped to 2. The Manager and myself. I integrated well here, and felt comfortable. I sang sometimes in the warehouse. Some of the staff thought I was gay, and it took some serious persuasion to convince them I'm bi. I eventually left this job to travel.

Strangely it was my sister who invited me to go. She had felt we had drifted apart a lot and wanted us to be close again. I asked how much money I needed and how long I had to save it up. I did this easily as I missed being close to my sister.

We were gone for 3 months. There was a group of us, My sister and I, and 3 of her friends. This was the most enjoyable holiday I have ever had. I still went off on my own for a day here and there, however most of the time was spent as a group, this meant I got to listen in on “girl-talk”, and although couldn't comfortably take part myself, I still felt content and included. It was during some of my days roaming solo, I took advantage of my solitude in a foreign country to cross-dress. This was mainly going into stores and trying on the clothes. I never bought any of them, at least not the female ones anyway. I wasn't ready to return home when we did.

I stayed out of work for a few months after returning, but eventually got my old job back at the shop. I hated it. The manager had changed. She took a disliking to myself and 2 other members of staff, and tried her hardest to play us off each other. Fortunately for us, 1 was and still is my Dads partner. The other was and still is the partner of a family friend, so we all spoke quite often. We did try to “fight back” unfortunately, nothing we tried within the rules of the company worked, so to drive the point home, we all left within a week of each other, which had a tremendous impact as we 3 were the only evening supervisors. I had started college again the previous year (the same year I got back from travelling), and played that I wanted the extra time to study for my exams. I failed them all. It should be noted I only saw this manager when I went in once a month on a Thursday to pick up my pay slip.

My time at college was OK, neither good nor bad. It was known amongst students as a very open and accepting college mainly attended by the “Alternative” crowd (goths, skaters and such), which to start with was great, however I had after a few months felt I was still hiding something from everyone. I didn't know what I was hiding. My depression worsened, I couldn't concentrate, my grades slipped. I failed every class, despite having promising grades (A's and B's) at the beginning of the year. It was April that year (2007) at the age of 20, I met my first girlfriend.

Our relationship lasted a year and a half, and we moved in together after the first year. It was at this point we started to drift. I felt I was hiding something, but didn't know what. I spent a lot of time puzzling over it, far too much time actually. June of 2008, we had planned on going to Download Festival together. Unfortunately, I was having issues with work. My pay was becoming more and more difficult to get, as the “financial crisis” was starting to hit, and the store I was working at suffered greatly. (I was paid cash in hand). I had to sell my ticket. She didn't. I spent that week, wearing her clothes. They fitted me great as her measurements where very similar to my own other than she had breasts, I didn't. I even wore them to work some days, as I could get away with it. At this point I was “lucky” to see a customer because of the financial crisis. We broke up in September or October, I can’t remember which, it was a mutual break-up, and I moved out shortly after.

It was around this time I found myself falling asleep on a regular basis wishing this has all been a terrible nightmare and I’d wake up a woman, just to wake up the following morning the same. I had to stop drinking apple juice as I found my dreams to be too clear, and unbearable, and found it was the juice causing them to be so. I’d often dream of waking up from my nightmare. These dreams brought me to tears every time.

I moved to my sisters. She was renting my Mums partners house. She took full advantage of me being there, and left me to look after the house, and pretty much moved in with her boyfriend. She took almost all her belonging with her. This didn't matter. I had my own female clothes now. I took full advantage of her not being there, and cross-dressed frequently, but still never left the house. I almost got caught on several occasions when she returned abruptly. Most of the time it was just to pick something up. Sometimes she stayed for a day or 2. We talked, we had become a lot closer since our travels together, and I recommend anyone having issues with siblings to do the same. It’s a magical experience.

Eventually she moved out completely. I had lost my job at the “questionable” store and had eventually found a job as a bar associate at a new bar which was set to open. I hated it there. Several of the staff and 1 of the managers made my life a living hell. I don’t know why, and I’d rather not go into it, it goes off topic anyway, as I had given no indication to my out of hours “habits”. I lasted the 13 weeks “probationary” period. I was the only person to lose their job. I was told they had no need for me as they had over employed whilst they saw what sort of business they would be getting. 3 people where employed almost immediately. I still can’t bring myself to go there despite knowing that manager has long since gone, as have the majority of the staff causing me issues, 1 of which has since apologized, and still works there as far as I know.

Due to losing this job, and with the job market in tatters at this time, I failed to get another job. I couldn't afford my rent or bills, I couldn't claim housing benefit as it was my Mums partners house. I was forced to move. I moved to my Dads. He still lives to this day in that village I spoke of earlier. His partner was also unemployed, and I knew this before I moved in with them. This meant no opportunity to discretely cross-dress. I sold and gave away my “female” clothes. Sometimes just adding them to peoples washing lines at night. I had nowhere to store them where they wouldn't be found. I didn't want to be seen as a cross-dresser, as I felt I wasn't.

I lived at my Dad’s for 2 years, before I eventually had enough of the childish behaviour of his partner, and moved back to mums. My mum was also home a lot, which again, meant no chance to do my thing, so I've found my wardrobe to be lacking ever since. My mum and her partner married a little over a year ago now, and bought a new house. I of course moved with them. It was at about the time of packing stuff in the weeks prior to moving I made a rare trip into the town centre. I stopped to have a chat with some friends who work on the market. One of them had also suffered a lot through depression, but had starting seeing a new psychiatrist. One who taught him some methods of getting to the root of his depression. He taught them to me. I combined these methods with some meditation techniques I had picked up in travels.

I found myself learning a lot about myself. I found myself coming to terms with and working through many of the barriers I’d built throughout my life. I found the root of my depression, and it made so much sense. This is where I have been led. I've heard a lot of people talk about Gender Dysphoria, I've read what I can understand about this, and in my heart, I truly hope I am one who suffers due to being undiagnosed with it. It explains my depression, my social anxiety, my cross-dressing, and my gaming habits etc.

Since learning all this about myself, I've become happier, though my depression and stress are still major concerns for me. I do believe though, these will fade with time if my hopes are real, and my dreams come true. I'm making an appointment with my doctor tomorrow.

I apologise if this is a bit long, but I just had to get it off my chest before I see the doctor, as obviously, as far as I can tell, no one knows, and having now effectively told the world though anonymously, I should find it much easier by the time I see my doctor. I'm also having difficulty sleeping due to excitement and was hoping this would tire me out a bit...it hasn't.

 

Thank you for slogging through the whole thing...I hadn't realised how much I'd written until the end, but couldn't bring myself to delete more than I have.