my intro and my story so far...

So... I've decided to join up EC here after being a long time lurker. This is gonna be a really, really long winded post, but I have to just get it all off my chest. There's gonna probably be a lot of "TL;DR", and I can deal with that...
I'm Alex, I'm 20, and I'm gay. I've kinda known since I was 13, but I've been in denial until I was 19. I finally admitted it to myself after a failed internet relationship with a girl (Which I really, really don't want to get into, but it was a last-ditch effort to prove to myself I wasn't gay.... which was obviously bunk). I told my first friend from one of the forums I frequent who was a couple years younger than me, and I also knew was gay. Chuck was (as expected) very supportive, and told me about gayteenforum.net, which I promptly joined. (I'm on there as well as on gayteenforum.org--if you're on there feel free to shoot me a PM or somethin, my username is TMA both places) I soon learned the owner of the board was someone I'd met from the same site I knew chuck from, who knew cell phone geeks were all gay lol! Anyways, I got most of my inner fears out on that site, and with a lot of help, told my psychiatrist, followed shortly by my parents. My parents were stellar about it, but my mom kept hoping it was a phase, even though she said she'd support me no matter what. These days, she's got the message that me being gay is here to stay, and fully supports me in whatever I choose to do, although she's pretty paranoid about diseases :bang:. (I'm not a slut, mom! :rolleyes I told my friends, and every single one of them accepted me. Some said they knew, but most were very surprised. I told my siblings. My brother is fine with it, but he can't deal with talking about intimate things or seeing me cuddling with/kissing a guy. My sister decided it would ruin her social life, and was dismayed and crying for a few days. She still feels it will ruin her social life, so I'm deleted from her facebook and it's never mentioned around her friends, but she's accepting otherwise...:dry: My extended family was all told, and everyone was cool with it! Anyways, I had a few relationships, some on the net, some off. I got into a 4 month relationship with a friend of mine from gayteenforum. He was amazing. I fell in love with him pretty damn quickly. I'm going to condense the story since it alone could fill 20 pages, but essentially, he lived in maryland, I live in cali, and yet i cared enough about him to go and see him one weekend, just for the hell of it, not knowing what would come of it. So started our relationship. We loved the same things: Photography, cars, music (even the same kind of music!), computers (macs haha!), and everything inbetween. Hell, we even both enjoyed smoking herb together (drugs are bad kids!). He became my life, and I was way too consumed by him. I had kind of been barely limping along in my life before him, and he brought me happiness and got rid of the horrible feeling of loneliness i'd had. Our relationship progressed quickly, and we were visiting each other regularly (he was poor, and i was ending up paying for the tickets >.> was NOT cheap but i still feel it was worth it). He loved my family, and they loved him. Never met his parents, they weren't exactly super cool with him being gay. Anywho...... Flash forward to a few weeks ago--I thought everything was going great, he came out here to stay with me for 10 days, and i was stoked! He was staying at my place in my bed, and i was a happy camper. Something seemed different though... He didn't really want to go out, all he wanted to do was sit around and smoke all day, and screw around occasionally of course. I didn't really complain, i found spending time with him very rewarding and enjoyable. So, I had another friend of mine, who i met on Dlist, that i was going to set up with yet another friend (from the cellphone site again!!! haha sooo many gay people on there its ridiculous!), so i arranged for an epic double date -- a couple nights of fun for all 4 of us. We all threw down for a hotel in the city one night, and the next day the guy from Dlist was moving into his apartment in berkeley, and we'd all stay there that night. I have to say, we had a blast. We got a handle of captain morgan (drinking is bad, kids! lol) and a ton of coke (The soda!) for the weekend... soo... I had to run an errand (1.5 hr errand total), and offered to just drop my BF at the hotel and he and my friend could hang out and they didn't have to come along with me all the way on the errand. No worries, I could trust my bf, right?... wrong. I came back an hour and a half later, and what i saw scared the living shit out of me. I saw the look of love in my BF's eyes, and it wasn't being directed at me, but at my friend. From that moment on, i knew i was fucked and it was only a matter of time. I also looked over and saw that 1/3 of the handle was gone already. My bf comes up to me and goes "where did you find this kid" and tells me about how they're exactly the same person, and blah blah blah. (It is true, their similarities are really freaky!) Sooo now im thinkin greaaat. I only have one glass of cap'n and coke to drink since i'm a lightweight and i hate the feeling of being drunk. It gets to be around 3 and we're all talking and having a good time, but i'm getting tired. I tell the guys i'm gonna get to bed, and they're cool with it. At that point, i still completely trusted my BF, even when drunk, not to screw around. By that point, 3/4 of the handle was gone... I wake up the next morning at like 8:30 to my BF shaking me awake, telling me he's going over to berkeley to help my friend move into his new apartment, asking if i wanted to continue sleeping or go along. I stupidly decided to sleep since i was not fully conscious, and they took the train over there. I got over there around 1:30, and i could already tell they had bonded more since last night, and there was something awkward going on. Every time i made a move to kiss my bf, or hold hands, he seemed to pull away or behave oddly about it. I began to grow suspicious. So now, the 4th guy (The date for my friend) has to get picked up, and my BF and my friend decide to stay while i go get him (grr... im getting ticked at this point). I get back an hour later with my friends date... and its even more awkward with my bf. They've drank the remainder of the handle already, and decide that we need to go on a mission for more shortly after i got back with the 4th guy... While my BF goes into the liquor store to attempt to get some (he failed, lol). While he's in there, I ask my friend about my suspicions. he tells me don't worry about it, nothin happened, and nothing's going to. I was relieved, and felt like a TOTAL asshole for even THINKING my boyfriend would cheat on me. So, we were all 4 relaxing at his apartment when we got back, and I snuggled up next to my bf, and he kinda jerked away. I'd had enough... I looked at my friend, and looked at his "date", and suggested that they go outside and get to know each other. They got the picture, and got outta there. Before i can say anything, my bf goes "you know we need to talk about xxxx" and I'm like "uhhhh... we do?" and he goes on to tell me how from the moment he met him he felt something for him, and blah blah. Basically telling me that he's fallen for him, and that he didn't know what to do. I asked the question that would scar me the most... "so... did you guys do anything last night...." "yeah, i'm not going to lie, i kissed him".... and i literally said "OK, we're done." I was floored. My boyfriend, who I have done everything for, and always tried to take good care of, cheated on me with my friend. He didn't necessarily want to break up, but didn't know what to do. I knew that even though i still loved him and had VERY strong feelings for him, it would be bad for me if the relationship continued, because he obviously did it once and would do it again.... So i ended it. I called my parents, told them what happened, and they got me a hotel for the night (i LOVE YOU MOM!) I took my other friend who was to be my dlist buddy's date with me and left my now ex-bf and my friend at his apartment. Thankfully my friend came with me with no hassles, and was actually SUPER supportive, and was able to help me through the night. If I hadn't had him there, I have no idea what I would have done. So, the next day, I went home heartbroken. I had no idea what I was going to do, or how I was going to handle it. My life fell into shambles. I didn't want to do anything. Since it's summer i have no school, and at this point i have no job. All i did was smoke all day, and sit around moping. My friends thankfully were here for me, and all came to the rescue. They all took turns dragging me out of the house and trying to return me to normalcy. Unfortunately, their efforts only helped so much. I shrank further into my hole. My room became littered with dirty clothes and cookie boxes (lolz). I stopped eating almost completely because my appetite was just GONE. Like an idiot, I'm still in contact with my ex throughout all of this, and every time he manages to make me feel like a complete asshole, or just make me feel like shit. Saying things like how he never really loved me, he just said it back since I said it first so it wasn't awkward (bullshit, he told me he loved me on valentines day, i'll never forget that day...) or telling me how he hated when i called him babe (if he did why didn't he say something-thats what he called me all the fucking time!!! :***: ) or how he hated sex with me and he only did it because he thought i liked it (I am a top and i BOTTOMED for him, purely for him... i didn't enjoy it at all!). So, flash forward like... a week or less. It's official, my friend and my ex are going out. fucking brutal. Now i get to hear about how my ex is now comfortable with PDA (he REFUSED to even hold my fucking hand before around my closest friends, and he'll now cuddle up with my friend on the train, hold hands, kiss, etc... whatever) and how the sex is amazing and we "must have been doing something wrong".... All of these horrible things he says to me and I still can't pull away. I found out a couple days ago (its been like 3-4 weeksish, ive kinda lost track of time) that he's moving to california for the summer with my friend, and hes going to live with him... 40 minutes from me. Depression hit me like a ton of bricks. Back to feeling on the verge of suicide again, like i've been wavering for the past 3-4 weeks. Just shitty. And then all sorts of other bad shit happens at the same time. My best friend's dad became more and more uncomfortable with me being at his house since he found out i'm gay... His kid and i have shared a bed a number of times, and he's completely straight. He has no problems with me being gay, and knows i'd never make a move on him or anything, so we're completely comfortable around each other (finally.. someone who understands the way it SHOULD BE!). So now, i can't sleep over at his house anymore, and he can't sleep over at mine, I can't bring him on trips unless he lies to his dad about who he's with (his mom doesn't care), and i certainly can't go on trips with him. It's pretty brutal. And at this point, it's just awkward with me going over there, and I can't stand to be there when his dad is home--it's just too damn painful to know that there's a man in the other room that hates my guts for something i have no control over. So now, I'm miserable, trying to decide whether to try and date again or not. I'm really lonely, but i'm still not over my ex, and i don't think i'm going to be any time soon. Hell, he shits all over me every time i talk to him and yet i still can't stop myself from talking with him!!

I don't know what to do at this point, and i'm just kind of hanging on by the threads here...

Thanks for reading this... any advice is greatly appreciated.

Alex

 

yeah, total brick wall. like i said, had to get it off my chest! lol:bang::bang:

 

haha i knew i would get hella these!
thanks for the welcome guys

 

thanks for the hug,
i believe that was actually trip number 5 or 6... i'd have to check. i went and saw him a bunch of times, that was his 2nd trip to cali.

 

that's what everyone tells me and deep down i know it's the truth, but its hard getting over him, he was my first REAL (aka relatively long term) boyfriend...

 

aww thanks haha i bet. it was almost 4 pages in word >.>