New Here

Hey there!

I'm Jay. That's not my birth name, but I'm trying it on for size. Let's start off with a little background...

I'm 20 years old and from the United States. I'm biologically female, to start off, and I've liked girls since I was little. I had my first girl crush in first grade at the age of 7, although I didn't officially recognize it as such until I was older. At that point in my life, I was still waiting for the day to come when I would like boys, because I thought that's what I was "supposed" to do. Needless to say, that day never came...

The first time that I ever thought that I might be gay, I was 10 years old and in the fourth grade. I quickly pushed the thought out of my head, as it just felt "wrong." I couldn't be gay! I was simply too young to like boys. And the feelings I had for girls? Nothing more than deep admiration. I kept telling myself that over and over again.

I began actively questioning my sexuality when I was around 12 or 13, when I developed a massive crush on one of my female teachers in middle school. This was a turning point in my life, because it was the first time I ever admitted that I actually liked a girl in that way. It was no longer a question -- I was into girls. However, I didn't come until I was 16. That was when I officially came out to my friends and family as a lesbian. This opened a whole new door for me, and my honesty regarding my sexuality allowed one of my best friends at the time to come forward and tell me that she, too, was questioning her sexuality. (This also happened to be the friend that I developed a huge crush on during my freshman year of high school. Can you see where this is going?) We became even better friends after that, and when I was 17, we started dating. Although there were some adjustments to be made (her mom and sister initially didn't accept us), things went quite smoothly for quite a while. My parents and younger sister accepted my sexuality and my girlfriend with no issue.

The two years that I dated her were some of the best in my life. We ended up breaking up last February due to distance (she had gone off to college and I was taking a gap year) and other strains that were put on the relationship, but I definitely don't regret the time I spent with her. She was my first love and best friend, and I learned so much about myself from her. She, apparently, did too, because she now identifies as a lesbian. But I digress...

So what, exactly, am I doing here, if I'm out and proud about my sexuality and am accepted by all my friends and family? Well, it runs a little deeper than that. For the last year and a half to two years, I've been questioning my gender identity. As I said, I'm biologically female, but I'm not sure I feel 100% girl. I can say with some certainty that I don't feel 100% male and don't wish to transition medically, but I've been wondering if perhaps I might be genderqueer or something similar to that.

My family's views on trans* issues have made it very hard to experiment and see what I like. I came out to my parents as questioning last year, and while they tried to be supportive and understand, they didn't really get it. They were concerned that it opened me up to a "sexually deviant" lifestyle, which, of course, is not what being trans* is about at all. So while they're not outright transphobic, I don't feel completely comfortable doing things like binding in front of them, although I want to.

So yeah, I'm here to explore, I suppose, and see what best fits me. Pronouns? Hm, I'm not sure yet, to be honest. Throw 'em at me! :lol:

Looking forward to getting to know you all!

 

Thanks for the welcome, Mia. I'll definitely post another thread in the Gender and Identity forum. Thanks for the suggestion!

Yeah, I can definitely see how it might take some time to adjust to the thought of my questioning. I'm grateful that they're at least trying to be supportive and that they're open to learning more about it.