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Hello!! I'm new :)

Discussion in 'The Welcome Lounge' started by woddy, Jan 8, 2014.

  1. woddy

    Regular Member

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    Hello guys, I'm new in this forum and I joined because I can't take it anymore. This is my story.

    I have known I'm gay since I was little. I had a "girlfriend" in kindergarden but I felt like eww, I didn't like it, but I remember thinking it was normal or the right thing to do. Later in life, i had a few girlfriends, nothing serious and never had sex with a girl. I always knew I was gay but I didn't want to think about it.

    While I was growing up, I had straight friends which i found/find attractive, and we sometimes did a "circle jerk". For me it was paradise, but never sexually, like oral sex or something happened. It was just "straight fun", and that was my only sexual encounter.

    A few months ago, I joined a dating/network website to meet guys. I wanted to experience gay sex. It was time or so I thought. I met this guy and I gave him oral sex without a condom, but he didn't ejaculate. He never did because I had to leave. At that time and maybe the next day, I thought "what if he had HIV? what if I'm infected now?", but I know it's almost impossible and there's nothing wrong with it.

    However, a few days ago, I met another guy. I thought I was ready to really do it, you know, the complete sex. I gave him oral sex, without a condom and he didn't ejaculate. Then he penetrated me with a condom, and again, he didn't ejaculate. He later did but outside of me, in the bed. He seems like a nice guy, but I can't keep out of my mind the possibility of being infected with HIV. I asked later that if he knew his status, and he told me that he had never been tested, but that a few weeks ago he donated blood and that if something was wrong, then the hospital would have told him.

    I have searched about it and even talked to doctors and they all agree: it's almost impossible to be infected, I protected myself, so move on. The thing is that I can't move on.

    I feel like I'm infected, if it's not with HIV, then it most be with something else. I'm starting to feel that this is guilt, and my guilt for doing it it's killing me. I can't sleep, I can't eat, I can't stop shaking. I'm terrified, I'm paralyzed by fear, and I know it's all in my mind.

    I have never accepted the fact that I'm gay. I know I am but don't want to be. I always thought about the wife, the kids, the dog, the house, you know, the perfect family, and I know that's never going to happen. My family has no problems with gay people, neither does my friends. Even I don't have a problem with the rest of the world being gay. However, it seems like I have a problem with being gay myself.

    My anxiety is just too much for me, it's getting out of my hands. Today it's my 25th birthday and I cancelled everything because of it. I'm shaking right now, and I can't take it anymore. What should I do?

    Thank you for reading this.
     
  2. willycubed28

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    Okay first thing to do is to calm down. Secondly if you are worried that much then go get tested. I am sure wherever you are that there is a clinic to get tested. I think you have nothing to worry about, but believe me I have been in your shoes before. I went and got tested and found out I was negative. So just go get tested. Welcome to EC!!! AND HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! Enjoy it
     
    #2 willycubed28, Jan 8, 2014
    Last edited: Jan 8, 2014
  3. EmilyAnn

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    Wellcome to EC!!
    I have had "gay sex" several times and as a rule gay men are more careful in having sex than hetro men (exempting the public bathroom crowd they can be reckless). I'm sure you are fine. All you can do is be careful and date smart. Get tested aand stop worrying about it. Untill then, unless you were definatly getting lucky tonite, go out and enjoy your birthday it might help to clear your head.
    HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!

    Emily Ann
     
  4. woddy

    Regular Member

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    Thank you :slight_smile:

    I think the best way to celebrate my Bday is in therapy. I'm about to go to a clinic to get tested and to talk to a therapist.
     
  5. FireSmoke

    FireSmoke Guest

    Welcome and...

    [​IMG]

    :icon_bigg
     
  6. EmilyAnn

    Regular Member

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    Good luck with both. and after that go celebrate, you are 25 for only one year!!!