Introducing Myself

Hello new forum, I'm dancerdare. I'm 29, have had a crazy life so far, and am here because sometimes it's just good to have a place to talk.

I'm 6 months into a relationship with (in my highly biased opinion) the most amazing girl in the world. It's the longest lesbian relationship I have ever been in, though I have had others in the past. That's on the heels of a failed heterosexual marriage that ended in me being sexually abused - I'm still in the process of finalizing the divorce. When I was married, she was my best friend and the support I needed to get out. We live together and have a wonderful little family of animals.

We are not really out of the closet - three of her friends know, and my doctor and two friends know, but that's it. I think my family has suspicions that we're together, but I do not intend on coming out to them about our relationship or my sexual identity until well after the divorce process is over, if I do. I don't think they will take it well and they haven't known about any of my previous relationships. Her family has known about a previous relationship she had with another woman, but do not know about us either, though we do think it's possible they suspect it as well. We work together and are not out there, and given my job, probably never will be.

Sometimes it's really hard, because I am absolutely head over heels in love and truly happy for the first time in my life. I feel like I've met my soulmate, and while I know 6 months isn't long, I've carried a torch for her for almost a year before things really happened. Sometimes, you just want to be able to talk about things and share that, and knowing that I'm not in a safe place in order to do so makes it difficult.

I've never been sure if I'm bisexual or a lesbian, but I'm leaning more towards that I am a lesbian. That's the first time I've typed those words. I have dated both women and men (obviously), but my primary attraction has always been women. I remember when I got married I was happy more for the idea that I had a sense of belonging than because I was in love, which is terrible but true. I think it can be much easier to be straight, but it's not easy when you are so desperately unhappy.

Now I hope so much that someday, I will be ready and she will be ready and we will live in a place where we can get married and start a family together...a marriage that would beat the odds and that is above all created from love. I knew from the moment I first kissed her that I would do anything for her, that I was ready to commit to her for the rest of my life, and that she's the greatest love I have ever had.

I have my concerns - my ex-husband is a loose cannon who has harassed me still, my family will probably struggle with the idea that I'm in love with another woman, my current job community readily accepts gay men but not gay women, we're not out of the closet and lack comfort with coming out, and I know that while she is in love with me and we have the best relationship each of us has ever had, she struggles with the idea that we're not "normal" - that there's always a chance that we won't be accepted and that not being hetero-normative is just more difficult.

So, that's me. I'm happy to be here.

 

Hello and thanks!
I'm in figure skating. It's a weird life.