Hello Everyone, My name is Stephanie and im 24 years old. I am a Lesbian and I am very proud of who I am but was not always that way. I was raised southern baptist and was taught that "homosexuality" is a sin. So I hid who I was for years and years from my Father and Step Mother as well as my church family. I have always known I was different and have been attracted to women since i was a little girl. I grew up ashamed of how I felt and those feeling's fueled a on again off again drug addiction that started in 2007. Since I came out when I was 18 I have been through hell and back. I suffered from severe mental and physical abuse from my Step-Mother since I was 9, she was the only mother I ever knew since mine was incarcerated at age 8. My parents divorced soon after she was arrested and I went 12 years without seeing my Mother. Who is Also Bi-Sexual come to find out. After being kicked out when I was 18 i finally was able to experiment with a girl, and I knew immediately that I was a Lesbian. The girl was my best friend and at such a young age growing up in the bible belt in Georgia where there is 7 churchs on every road she was not ready to enter into a real relationship, choosing her boyfriend over me i was devastated. I decided to reconnect with my mother during this time who had 4 years worth of sobriety. She offered me a plane ticket and a place to stay (she was doing very well at this time) so i took her up on the offer. I called my dad and talked to him for the first time in months since i was kicked out, he of course was not supportive of me moving to Arizona. Long story short, while living with my mother in Arizona we began doing drugs together. I met my first real gf out there, she was 10 years my senior and I thought i was in love. Little did I know she had a horrible cocaine addiction and I started using with her. Me and my ex and my mom were all using together....it was a very messed up time. I had officially came out to my father (who told me I was going to hell and wanted know part of what I was involved in) so as messed up as things were at my mom's house I had no home to go back to. I eventually moved out of my mother's house and moved in with my gf. Loosing my mother twice to drugs was devastating. I pleaded with my gf Rachel at the time to quit using and she did for a few months. As you can imagine everything fell apart because addiction is nothing more than a dark path of destruction. I had no choice but to move back to Georgia. My best friend at the time (who I had known since middle school) offered me a place to stay at her house (she was not accepting of my "lifestyle") and the agreement was I had a place to stay but i had to act straight.....like it's a choice. But I agreed..I came home on a bus, traveled from arizona to albany,ga. Once again i was forced back in the shadows....back to church, back to trying to please my family. It was hell on earth. I tried to reconnect with my father, the only time I saw my family is if I went to church. I wanted so badly to be home again, my drug addiction grew worse at my friends house. I was kicked out from stealing from my friend and was about to be homeless. This all happened from 2007-july 2010. I finally had got to the place where my family was trusting me a little and letting me come to their house after church for supper. I pleaded with them to let me come home.... they agreed. Under the condition that I checked into a Place called Wellspring for Women. A faith-based program that is a 12-18 month commitment....my parent's wanted me to be straight & sober. I went to the Wellspring for Women program July 4th 2010. This just so happened to be the same program the court had sent my mother too when she got out of jail. So my journey at Wellspring began. I was brain-washed. It was like being locked up without the actual metal bars. I was on a strict diet, bible mediation started from the time I woke up and didn't end till lights out at 9:45. I was taught that there was a demon latching onto me and I had to use the word of God to combat those demons. I was really starting to believe I could beat this "disease" or "sickness" and have a husband and Kids and be "normal". But the feeling's were still there. It didn't matter how many times I prayed to God & begged to be normal. I decided to leave the program and take what I leaned and run with it. After all i was not adjudicated to this facility. I left one morning and went back to georgia to stay with my friend again. January of 2011. Took me 6 months to convince my family I was straight but I did it. I was a good girl. Got a good job, payed my rent, went to church every sunday and wed. But deep down inside something was missing and I assure you it was not God. I still had feeling's for women and decided I could hide my feelings from everyone and just have someone on the down low. I thought I had it all figured out. My parent's let me move into a small apartment they had on their property, I got a new vehicle. Was able to finally catch up on things financially. Wasn't too long before It all fell through. I met a girl and was starting to fall for her pretty hard...all the while i'm living this double life. Month's into the relationship and I find out she cheated on me. My best friend busted me for having a girlfriend and her and her friend began to gang up on me giving the "being with another girl is a sin speech" i turned to drugs for peace and got hooked on Crack Cocaine. Because I thought the Church had the answer's and I was scared of what I had become while using hard drugs I begged my way back to Wellspring in early 2012. Things were not the same. I stayed another 6 months and left again....this time I found a more open organization in Montgomery, Alabama. I stayed their for many months...but while I was there i met another young lady named Chaz who influenced my life in a very positive way. She too was a Lesbian, who also believed in God. She took me under her wing's and began to show me truth I had never known before. I knew it was time to come out for good, and stand up to my parent's. So I did. Since then, I have been a outcast in my family as well as my church. in 2012 my father was given his own church in Dawson, Georgia. I had tried even after I came out to smooth things over with my family (because what person wants to be disowned) and that lasted for a few months. Everything changed in May of 2013 when I met my current Girlfriend and Life Partner Abigail. You know how you feel when you meet that one person that just get's you....she was beautiful and smart and I fell head over heels in love with her. I could not and would not keep her hidden from my family and told my dad what was going on. I was told once again I was going to hell and got the disappointment lecture. But nevertheless I ended up packing my bags June of last year to move in with my girlfriend who resides in North Florida. Now mind you I do have a little brother who is now 20...who is also bisexual. He has been supportive on the low, he also hid his secret from my parents. Many months past without speaking to my parents. Life has been so much better now that I am out and proud and have surrounded myself with people who are supportive. My way of thinking has changed and even though I STILL consider myself a christian I believe God made me this way....and it's okay to be who I was made to be. And love whoever I choose. I feel like all those years in the church kept me ignorant of the knowledge that there is nothing wrong with me. The REAL problem is in these church's. There is nothing anointed about the hate that is being preached today as well as the false doctrine. I wish i could tell you all that I have hope of things getting better with my family. December of last year my dad got sick with Pneumonia and passed away 2 days before Christmas. I did not attend the funeral, I was not asked by any family member's if I wanted to be apart of the ceremony. My Step-Mom wouldn't even talk to me. Everyone has turned their backs on me.....when I tell you everyone I mean everyone but My gf and her family who has been supportive the whole time. This hatred has got to stop, and it stops with each one of us who decide to use our voices and speak up. Im looking for others who can relate to my story or just offer words of encouragement. I consider all of you family, as I know there are millions of people like me that are struggling. Please contact me......you are not alone. Stephanie
