So many questions, so little time

Hi there.

I joined this site because I have a lot of questions that I can't seem to find answers to out there on the web. I was born female but I feel male. I also like men. But inside I feel like I would be a very feminine man (even though I am not currently very feminine) to the point I would even crossdress a bit. I've always called myself a feminine gay crossdressing man. Which has confused a few people...even some trans people. It's really hard to explain, which leads people to think I'm just confused or I don't know what I'm talking about.

Thankfully my boyfriend is very open to this and just sees me for me, no matter what sex I want to be. Without him I know I wouldn't be able to face life. He's the only one in my life that knows about this. My mom is somewhat open to ideas and doesn't care if someone is gay or not but sadly my father is stuck in the 1950's when women were barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen and men were men who liked women. I've tried to change his way of thinking but he still looks down on gays (but not lesbians...because thats sooooo fair :rolle: )

So still stuck in the closet where my family is concerned.

I've been searching around the internet for info on FTM surgerys and still don't have a clear idea what is the best way to go for bottom. I want it to look realistic, look like a normal size, have good feeling (both sexual and non sexual) and of course to be able to use it to...go to the bathroom. I don't plan on penetrating at all since I'm a bottom not a top :icon_wink. Also above all I do not want tons of scars on my arm telling everyone what I did. I know I'll have scars from top because I have large breasts but they can be hidden better then an arm can. Maybe someone here can figure out what might be some good options for me. I know I should talk to a doctor but I'm not ready for that yet.

Also if someone could reccomend a good Seattle area (Kent/Federal Way/Auburn) therapist who deals with gay, transgender and so on and so forth issues, who takes the free health care plans for insurance, that would be great.

And maybe I can make some friends on here? I have only one friend and thats my boy friend. I'm not kidding. I've avoided people for years because of some mental health issues I have (which I'm slowly sorting out). So I would love some real life friends who are also in the Seattle area that I could relate to.