Hello! I'm only one-foot out of the closet, if you will...

Hi all,

I am out to a few of my closest friends and my sister. But not my parents. And interestingly, I'm the vice-president of my grad school's queer student organization--so obviously I'm very out in school. But the thing is, I'm in school far far away from all my previous friends and family...so it's sort of like two worlds I live in.

Then there's a third world: my partner is genderqueer (MAB but identifies as neither male nor female nor trans) and very very in the closet. Let's call my partner Pat. Pat still looks like a guy, and doesn't do anything to disabuse their parents, friends, etc of the notion that they're a guy. But they don't identify as a guy, and we don't do heteronormative things (outside of bedroom nor :***.

But it's still feeling very off... even after 3 years of being best friends and so so so close... the more out of the closet I get, the more likely I am to feel like I should
a) be with a woman, since I'm finally becoming willing to admit it publically
b) be with someone who is out of the closet
c) and yet I still want to be with Pat because they've been next to me through all the ups and downs of coming out and haven't ever made me feel bad about it...and they're great for 1000 other reasons... so why do I feel so strongly about a) and b)???

Okay long intro, but it's all out there!
Thanks!
Tanya

 

Hi, Cigsmoker! Thanks so much for this thoughtful reply! :smilewave Also ShadowSpririt26 and TJ, I think this reply applies to your helpful suggestions as well (thanks!!) :icon_bigg

I wanted to address your questions--and yes, you hit the nail right on the head (I do want to explore my sexuality, but I also don't want to lose what Pat and I have together).

But yes, we have talked about it--actually right after I wrote that post! So thank you for the advice, I think it was sound. However one of the biggest problems has been that while Pat is super super supportive of me, they don't really want to explore themselves at all. And how do I encourage them to explore? I think at the end of the day, I would be happier with Pat if they expressed their more feminine side....but they're super in the closet, so alas I'm stuck feeling like I'm with a guy when we're in public. So it's not very affirming for me, I guess? And I hate that they are trapped and when we talk about their gender identity, they get really upset about the prospect of sharing it publically with even their closest friends. That fear is wrenching and I feel for Pat. But I also don't like staying in the closet with them...

Thanks again for your reply! We can discuss more on my wall or something if this is getting to in-depth for the welcome lounge!